Part 64:
The Fake Princess Understands All
AMIDST THE RISING smoke and dust, Catria stood absolutely still. Shovel Hell was no more, but the sight before her was even worse.
Rostir, engulfed in the Wave Motion Shovel Blast, had been annihilated. All that remained was a mountain of rubble. The only other objects left were a sheet laid out on the ground and two nearly naked Lithisias sprawled out upon it.
Yup. Two princesses. One of them was even the real deal. She was staring blankly at the other Lithisia. Said other Lithisia was staring down at her own stomach.
“Huh?” She appeared to not comprehend a single thing that had just transpired.
This was the fake princess, Elise. Surrounding her were pieces of her dress that’d been blown off by Alan’s attack. Her skin was drenched with sweat, and her body was splashed with some kind of goop (probably residue from the Wave Motion Shovel Blast.) Her breasts heaved with each breath she took.
Something around Elise’s stomach shone. In fact, it looked a little swollen.
Lucy flapped her way over to the fake princess.
“Um, so…” She seemed unsure of what to say, but for the meantime she smiled. That was all she could do. And with dead eyes, she did her job as an angel. “Congratulations on your pregnancy!”
Thus was Elise congratulated by a divine entity for the miracle of her immaculate conception.
“Huh?” Elise stared up at Lucy. What the hell? (What the hell?)
“…”
Alan drew close to Elise. He actually looked way worse for wear than the princesses; wounds covered his upper body and his adamantine shovel looked several millions of years older—basically a rock. The aftershock of a miracle, no doubt. Said miner looked down upon Elise and laid it all out frankly. “…Sorry. I misfired.”
“YOU WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!” The small piece of Catria’s mind that had managed to return exploded. Being such a small piece, her mind soon collapsed again. All she could do was laugh. “What are you going to do about this?! Seriously! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!”
“I have to do something,” Alan agreed, “but for now…I need rest… Catria, Lithisia, I leave the rest to…”
And just as he was about to finish his sentence, Alan collapsed in place between Elise (a virgin, if pregnant) and Lithisia (still just a virgin).
Next to him, the seven orbs fell from the shovel and turned to ash, signaling that their job was done. Immaculate conception via Wave Motion Shovel Blast. In order to forge this miracle, the orbs had used the last of their power.
Illuminated by the sun’s light, the ash of Rostir was carried into the distance by a gust of wind.
“Shovel!” Lithisia gently caressed Alan. “Sir Miner, aaaah… I’m so sorry…!”
A misfire. He’d misfired. All because of Lithisia. All because she had wished for more time. Sir Miner had done nothing wrong. He had missed because her conviction faltered, ultimately leading to Elise’s virgin pregnancy. The princess continued to apologize as the tears streamed down her cheeks.
“Wait, pregnant? This has gotta be some kind of j-joke.” Elise stared at her round stomach and once again whispered to herself. She hadn’t yet collected herself.
“It’s no joke. If anything, it’s legendary,” Catria snorted.
Indeed. What had transpired on this day was undoubtedly legendary. The strongest man in the world had fallen in love with the maddest woman in the world, and due to incredible powers, induced an immaculate conception that was subsequently announced by the angels themselves. Except the pregnant girl in question was a fake.
What a fascinating new legend. And Catria had been present for it all.
Crack.
Something snapped. It was the sound of Catria’s entire self snapping in half. She suddenly started digging at the ground.
“Um, Catria?”
“Oh, Lucy. Hey. I was just thinking of taking a brief eternal rest.”
“There’s nothing brief about eternity!”
“If I have to watch the world devolve any further into a shovel, I’m going to end up becoming one myself.”
Catria chuckled. It was all over. Shovel Hell was gone, but Rostir was now the Holy Land of Shovelir, and it even had a brand-new legend thanks to the Wave Motion Shovel Blast. The world no longer had any common sense for regular human Catria to protect.
“Y-you can’t! Without you, who will save the world?!” Lucy pleaded.
“Please, let me rest… The world is over… I just want to die as a human.”
“No, no, no! And plus, you’ve basically already given up on being a human anyway!”
“Excuse me?!”
“Hey, you guys!” Elise shouted. “C-could someone please explain to me what’s going on?!”
“You’re asking for the impossible,” said Catria.
Nobody present could give Elise what she wanted. If anyone could, they’d be a shovel.
But Catria’s knightly obligations compelled her to give in and give it a shot anyway. “First, let me cut to the chase. You’re pregnant. You can thank that Wave Motion Shovel Blast.”
Talk about starting with the impossible.
“Excuse me?”
“Alan meant to do it to Lithisia, but he missed.”
“What? Huh? What sort of lazy joke is that? This must be some kind of bad dream.”
If only it were a dream. Sadly, it was reality.
Sweat beaded Elise’s forehead. “N-no, seriously. Stop joking around. I mean, I’ve finally attained the power of a god…”
“You mean the power of shovel. Could you please just understand that one simple fact?”
“But! If this isn’t a miracle caused by a god, then we’re on the path to destruction!”
Catria attempted to clear up this misconception, but before she could, Lucy and Elise both stiffened in terror.
“?!”
An overwhelmingly powerful presence descended, one defined by unimaginable heat and pressure.