Alan examined a 3D map of the twenty-eight-floor Unending Maze surrounding the capital that he was projecting from the metal tip of his shovel.
“I-It doesn’t matter how sturdy the walls are, it won’t be enough,” said Odessa.
Adamantine walls could largely stand against the strength of individual demons, but they weren’t an absolute defense. If the demons came at adamantine with all of their power, it inevitably failed.
“Hrm. Odessa, there are three basic qualities a dungeon must have.”
“And they are?”
“The first is… All right, perfect timing. Some demons just got through.”
As Alan pointed at the map, ten little red lights began to flash. The lights broke through the first floor of the dungeon with a quickness, infiltrating the second floor in mere minutes.
“It took only three minutes to get past the first floor. Odessa, do you know what needs to happen now?”
“I don’t.”
“We need to use a shovel.”
“I still don’t.”
Alan channeled power into his shovel. The tool shone and Alan dug his way into the dungeon.
Shoop, shoop, shoop!
In about five seconds, Alan had returned and there was now a twenty-ninth floor on top of the twenty-eighth floor on the map.
There was another…floor?
Meanwhile, the demons were still wandering the halls of the second floor.
“We have to outpace the intruders by building more floors,” said Alan.
“Wait.”
“There’s no time for waiting. The first basic quality of a dungeon is that it is ‘infinite.’”
“No, seriously. Wait.”
“Are you worried about space issues? Don’t worry. By tapping something with the head of my shovel, I can ‘expand’ space-time in the ground. We can build as large a dungeon as we want.”
Odessa felt like airholes were being punched into her brain. But she did her best to persist. “Um, Alan, only you’re capable of doing that. Humans can’t. Get me?”
“Don’t worry about that, either. Our Shovel Squad can handle this.”
The miner called over Kuronono and her twenty-person Shovel Squad, and explained to them the first basic quality of a dungeon was its “infinitude.” The members of the squad of course complained that this was impossible and that Alan was weird in the head.
Thank goodness, they still have common sense.
But just as Odessa felt relief, Kuronono made her move.
“U-um, everyone!” Kuronono stood pigeon-toed, her knees closed together. She bent backward, her small chest thrust out, and held her shovel to hide her mouth, overcome with shyness. “Um, I really, really love when you all try to do the impossible… Y’know?”
“LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!”
Flaming shovels lit up in the squad’s eyes and with that, they instantly dug to the dungeon. They weren’t as fast as Alan, but they were a sight to behold. A new, thirtieth floor of the dungeon began to appear on the map and in about two minutes, it was finished.
“Thank you all so much! Make sure you practice really hard so you can do it even scoopily faster!”
“LOVE! KURONONO IS LOVE! MUST PRACTICE SCOOPS!”
Odessa gripped her head in her hands, but Alan continued.
“The second basic quality of a dungeon is its ‘economic efficiency.’”
Alan flourished his shovel to create tens of Shovel Soldiers. However, these were different from his usual oeuvre. They each held an abacus, and also had tens of shovels strapped to their backs with price tags attached.
“Welcome! What’re you buyin’?” one of them said.
These Shovel Soldiers would serve as store clerks.
“Dungeon excavation is hard work, which means people need to be paid. We’re going to extract that money from the invading demons.”
“Wait just a second.”
“There’s no time for waiting! Time is money!” said Alan.
“No, seriously. Wait just a second.”
But Alan did not wait. He snapped his fingers and the Shovel Soldiers spread throughout the dungeon. Some set up shop by the entrance, selling the demons shovels in exchange for jewels, souls, or even demon currency known as “macca.” All this money would go to paying the miners as well as for food. With this setup, the dungeon would be able to function infinitely.
“Economic efficiency is key to getting an infinite dungeon up and running…hm? What’s the matter, Odessa?”
A headache. Her head throbbed as if someone had bashed it with a shovel as hard as they could.
“Anyway, onward. The last basic quality of a dungeon. Odessa, do you know what it is?”
“I know nothing.”
“Precisely.”
“Huh?”
“The most important thing about a dungeon is that the invader keeps getting turned around so often that they have no clue what’s going on.”
Alan focused energy into his shovel and began to dig. A great rumbling erupted from the earth, as if the capital itself were shaking. This was Alan “randomizing” the dungeon. By doing so, he was rearranging the traps, shops, and general layout of the maze.
Crustal movement via earthquake. By using a shovel, one could initiate this artificially. The shovel was king of the underground, capable of complete manipulative supremacy.
“A dungeon with the same layout won’t last forever. That’s why you randomize.’”
A dungeon had to be everchanging, otherwise it would fall to anyone who could map it. Randomization was the most important quality a dungeon could have.
“Randomizing a dungeon is a fairly high-level technique, but with Kuronono at the head of operations… What’s wrong, Odessa?”
Odessa’s brain was moving a mile a minute, on the verge of dishing out a million descriptions of how insane this all was.
This is nothing like the dungeons I’m familiar with.
She wanted to say as much, but she couldn’t grasp the degree of insanity with words. Her head had been dug out entirely.
“Phew…”
It really is too late for me. I’m sorry, Kuronono, Odessa said in her heart. Just as she was about to collapse, Kuronono skipped over in her micro bikini.
“Ah! Sir Alan! Um, excuse me!” She seemed apologetic. “Um, I’m sorry. The folks in the Shovel Squad have been complaining… ‘An earthquake? Is he out of his mind?’ ‘I love Lady Kuronono, but that’s impossible.’ ‘Even with my love for princesses in micro bikinis, that’s impossible.’ Stuff like that…”
“Hrm, I see. I’m not sure I understand, but the long and short of it is you’re struggling, yeah?”
Odessa felt newly at ease. So the Shovel Squad retained some semblance of human common sense.
Thank goodness. The Kingdom of Darkness is still a country of humans, not demons or worse, shovels.
“Odessa, that’s why…” Kuronono turned to her friend and threw a bomb right in her face. “I want you to perform a shovelive with me.”
In the background, someone heard a shovel fall off a cliff. Odessa’s consciousness fell off a cliff as well.
“And then everyone’ll say things like ‘All scoop the super serious Lady Odessa!’ ‘Resistance is love!’ ‘Red-haired pony-tailed C-cup white bikini is love!’ ‘My shovel is quivering!’ If you perform, they’ll be able to do it! Pleeease?”
Odessa’s consciousness was fading.
I understand nothing. I know nothing. Well, there is a single thing I understand.
“Hrm, you don’t appear to be doing so well. Let me use Shovel Healing on you.”
“Thank you so much, Sir Alan!”
✦ ✦ ✦
As of today, the Kingdom of Darkness is now the Kingdom of Shovels.