My vision swam. My legs shook. I was having trouble even breathing...
“I’m sorry, Alicia.”
“Aah... Ah...?” I couldn’t form words properly anymore.
I went limp in Cion’s arms, and she laid me down in the grass.
“Just wait here. I’ll be back by morning.”
W...ait...
I tried to move my lips, but I couldn’t push out enough breath to form a sound. My involuntarily twitching limbs, my uncooperative body, felt strange and heavy—as though they weren’t mine at all. It was taking everything I had just to stay conscious.
Cion...
As I stared at her small figure receding into the distance, my vision started to blur with tears.
“Ngh...”
I was a fool. A complete and total fool. I’d gotten tamed by the girl I was supposed to tame; I’d tried to get close to her and let her get in close to me. I— If we’d been fighting for our lives, Cion would already have killed me.
“Idiot...”
That was the first word I said once my tongue finally managed to form syllables again.
“What an idiot...”
Thick, heavy clouds covered the sky, hiding the moon from view. Occasionally, a faint glow of light would shine through, only to vanish right away. The horses had decided that our lovers’ quarrel wasn’t their problem, and now they’d gone to sleep. It was silent all around me, without even the buzz of a single insect.
What am I even doing?
I’d spun elaborate excuses to justify ignoring my orders from on high. Using the Gods for my own benefit was supposed to be my policy or whatever, but I’d been the one getting dragged all over the place.
I knew what happened to children who got abandoned by the Gods. They ended up as pig feed, or as amusements living on some master’s whim. When you reached out your hand for help, the only ones who’d take it were sick perverts. There weren’t any Gods out there. And because there weren’t any, I’d spent my life working as hard as I could to make sure the Gods needed me, but...
“Why am I...?”
What did I think I was doing, trying to turn against them now?
My defeated heart was hopelessly frail and weak. Exhaustion kept on breeding regret.
A woman can’t be the Hero. We don’t need champions who disobey the Church. Just obey the Gods’ teachings; just carry out your duties.
If I could just throw all of that garbage away, then my thoughts would be so much simpler. But trying to live a simple life was more complicated than it sounded—it meant setting yourself up for endless frustration and pain. The world was too complex for one person to change; whatever power structures controlled it, they were too sturdy for me to overthrow on my own. That was why I’d chosen to live my life clinging to the Gods, doing my best to obey them... So why was I out here now, all alone in the middle of nowhere, staring up at the night sky?
At some point, my tears had run dry. My body was still too heavy and sluggish to move. But my mind was strangely clear, and it wouldn’t let me give up.
If I’d been able to stay ignorant, just an assassin eliminating my targets as the Gods commanded, then my life would’ve been so much easier. I’d just keep telling Glasses to drop dead, keep averting my eyes from the things I didn’t want to see, keep staining my hands with blood, keep being needed, keep being protected...
But I’d met that girl, and I’d learned things I could never unlearn. Even in the midst of this absurd world—this world twisted and warped by the schemes of the powerful—I’d learned that there were people who kept on living, who kept on fighting back.
I’d spent so long turning my back on it all, letting it slip out of sight and out of mind, letting it be someone else’s problem. So why had I stopped being able to shut my mouth and stand idly by?
I knew the answer. But I couldn’t speak it aloud—not yet. I didn’t have a good enough handle on my feelings. So...
“I’ll lie to whoever I have to... I want to protect her!”
I shouted it out in the only words I might still be able to get away with saying before the Gods.
It didn’t matter whether I was up against demons or stupid, inflexible archbishops. So what if my life was already stained with blood, so what if the people I’d murdered would curse and berate me for my hypocrisy, so what if I was just spouting pretty platitudes—I didn’t care.
“I don’t want to leave her to die!” I grunted out.
I tried to muster my strength to sit myself up, but with a groan, I fell right back over again.
Mana was essentially life force. I’d had it stolen away from me, so of course I couldn’t move.
“Energy Drain... Was she repurposing Scarlet Brave?”
I’d been too confused in the moment to think it through, but it was probably something along those lines. Veiss took in demons’ power by showering himself in their blood, and Cion had developed her own version of that skill while watching him fight. Unlike spells and orisons, skills couldn’t be taught. Not even a skill’s wielder could explain its operating principles logically; it was closer to muscle memory. Even if you managed to put together roughly how a skill worked and reproduce it yourself, it’d still be heavily colored by your personal experience and perception. You wouldn’t have the same skill, just something similar.
“So that must’ve been her ace in the hole...”
For a mercenary, revealing your skills meant exposing your weaknesses. Skills weren’t something you could pick up in a day, and they couldn’t be reworked or fine-tuned either. Whenever you used those abilities, you were in a life-and-death battle; if anyone learned your secrets, they had to be eliminated.
“I guess that means she trusts me that much...”
She had a stealth ability that let her instantly slip outside an opponent’s awareness, and an Energy Drain-type something or other that let her incapacitate targets with a touch. On top of that, she was an experienced sword fighter. Everything she’d picked up made her a perfect assassin...
“So why are you such a softy?”
She thought she could carry everything on her own shoulders, but she was just a crybaby who put on a brave front. That was exactly why I couldn’t leave her alone. If I let her be, she’d just keep on walking a path toward her own destruction.
I’d thought my eyes had run dry, but the tears came spilling out again. I was so utterly weak. Without the Gods, the Church, someone to protect me, I didn’t have what it took to survive or to fight. So...
“So please... Lend me strength!”
I called out to the heavens, gritting my teeth at the sound of approaching footsteps.