His looks and future potential made him a boyfriend that any woman would envy, and he’d been the only person she’d met with both of those traits… Up until now, that is.
Stupid, trusting, poor Junya.
As the people around them grew more and more suspicious, Junya had repeatedly visited Satsuki’s apartment and tried to talk things out.
So Satsuki had let him have it:
“The thing is, I never actually wanted to be your family.”
She knew just what to say to shatter him.
And…
“If you hate having parents like that so much, you should just hang yourself.”
That remark of hers had definitely brought Junya sorrow and misfortune.
He’d quit the seminar without ever seeing Satsuki again. She’d heard rumors that he was back at his parents’ house and had practically dropped out of society.
She assumed she’d never see him again, but…
“Hey, want to hang yourself with me?”
Four months ago.
As she was walking home from her college reunion, Junya had appeared in front of her and revealed himself as the sender of those nasty emails. She barely recognized him. The shoulders of his dingy jacket were speckled with flakes of dandruff, and there were horrible dark circles under his eyes that peeked through long, unkempt hair.
He was the picture of misfortune.
At that very thought, irritation and loathing welled up inside Satsuki, and she turned her back on Junya without saying a word. Just like her mother on the day she’d hanged herself, he didn’t even seem worth speaking to.
Then, all of a sudden, a stabbing pain ran through her neck. As she was blacking out, she realized he’d used a stun gun on her, after which he carried her unconscious body to an abandoned building. When she woke up, his corpse was hanging right in front of her. She screamed, dashed out of the building, and ran back home to her apartment— And that had been the end of it.
Junya hadn’t left a suicide note. The public accepted that he was a former elite who’d failed at life and killed himself, and he was forgotten without even getting a proper funeral. No one knew about Satsuki’s sin, about the abuse she’d fabricated.
Everything was over. There was nothing left to threaten her now. Or there shouldn’t have been…
I had no idea I was pregnant at the time.
As her belly grew rounder by the day, Satsuki’s unease grew more insistent.
What if Junya had assaulted her while she was unconscious?
He’d carried her off and planned to die with her, but at the last moment, he’d decided not to kill her. Had he been betting on the possibility that she’d conceived his child?
Would the baby growing inside her become the seed of some irreparable misfortune?
Oh, why me, why me?
Her husband’s behavior increased her anxiety. Had he instinctively realized the baby wasn’t his? Was that why he was being so cruel?
He couldn’t have, and yet…
No matter how many times she told herself it wasn’t true, Ryousuke really was avoiding her. His disgusted expression was exactly like the one her father had used with her mother.
Oh, why me, why me? Why am I all alone?
A voice rose in the back of her mind, and Satsuki shook her head firmly, driving it away.
I have to try harder, harder, harder.
She had to be happier than anyone else.
After all, if she ended up unhappy, she’d hang herself, just as her mother’s last words had predicted.
Oh, I see.
She’d figured it out. The true form of the whisper that had possessed her was that scrap of paper, the one that said Someday you’ll end up like this, too.
“Oh, Satsuki!”
A voice had abruptly called out to her, and Satsuki stopped so suddenly she almost pitched forward. Turning back, she saw her former teacher, the one who’d once introduced her to Ryousuke. Once Satsuki had married her nephew, the self-declared “doting aunt” had treated her with affection as well, taking her shopping or out to lunch whenever she had the opportunity.
Satsuki did feel lucky.
If cracks developed in their marriage, though, this woman would definitely side with her nephew. That was why Satsuki hadn’t wanted to see her lately. Especially not right now.
“Perfect timing! I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d stop by. You haven’t let me see much of you lately, you know. I’ve been wondering how you were doing.”
“I’m sorry. Ryousuke’s job has kept him very busy lately.”
“Oh, my dear, that’s fine. They do say husbands are best when they’re happy and out of the way, but running a household by yourself is an awful lot of work. Listen, why don’t you come have dinner with me? There’s a brand-new café in front of the station.”
It’s that same café, Satsuki thought.
Come to think of it, that was why she’d left the apartment in the first place. On top of that, she could feel her mood growing lighter the longer she spent with this energetic, generous woman.
That settles it: We’ll go to the café together.
For the first time in a long while, she felt genuinely cheerful—and that’s when it happened.
“I’m sorry, I can’t. I promised I’d go hang myself.”
Even Satsuki couldn’t believe the words she’d blurted out.
What did I just say?
“Um, I’m sorry. I forgot I had something I needed to do. Excuse me.”
Hastily bowing to her dumbfounded teacher, Satsuki fled.
Hang myself? …Me?
The idea seemed ridiculous, and yet an unsettling premonition was swelling inside her. She couldn’t take any more anxiety and tension; it felt as if her nerves might snap with a bang at any moment.
She wanted to scream Help me! to anyone who’d listen.
She wanted to stamp her feet like a small child and wail I’m so unhappy!
She’d only ever been able to do things like that with Junya.
The apartment’s no good; I’ll be alone there. I have to go somewhere with people.
With no idea where to go, she kept walking at random. She got the feeling she was headed toward the park, but she felt oddly detached from the idea, as if this were happening to somebody else, when all of a sudden, a pair of legs swung down to dangle in front of her. They seemed to be blocking her way, telling her she’d reached the end of the line.
Come to think of it…
The memory of her mother’s corpse rose to her mind. She’d been wearing that apron—the one Satsuki had given her as a child. The plastic-wrapped plates on the kitchen table had held dinner for two.
Maybe her mother had wasted away to skin and bones because she’d been waiting until she could eat with Satsuki again.
“Mom…”
She murmured the word almost involuntarily, and then—
Something that had been squirming restlessly inside her gathered heavily in her lower abdomen, bearing down, and then a hot, viscous mass flowed out between her legs.
Oh, it’s been born…, Satsuki thought silently.
Then her mind shut off as if someone had flipped a switch.
✦ ✦ ✦
Waaah, waaaaaah.
She heard crying, somewhere in the darkness.
Was that a small child?
No. A baby.
It was in pain, suffering, sad…lonely.
It seemed to be insisting that it had to cry.
It kept screaming Help me, help me to anyone who’d listen.
Just hear how miserable I am, it said.
Oh, I need to hurry.
I need to hold it close.
I need to make it shut up.
I need to stop it.
I can’t let anybody else notice it.
Before anybody tells me, “You’re unhappy.”
I need to strangle it, fast.
Waaaah. Waaaah.
When Satsuki opened her eyes, she was on the cold, tiled floor of a public bathroom. Right beside her, an infant was wailing at the top of its lungs.
“Stop crying.”
She crawled over to it and set a hand on its neck.
Immediately, its head warped as if it were made of clay, transforming into a terribly familiar face.
Mom?
She almost called out to her on reflex, but then she noticed…
Oh, no, it’s not her. That face belongs to—
“If you don’t like it, why don’t you die?” the baby whispered, and then it leered at her with a truly disgusting expression. By the time Satsuki realized it was her own face, her hand was already clenched around the infant’s throat.
There was a light krikk and a sensation as if she’d broken a twig in her hands.
How can it have been so easy?
I’ve always, always wanted to do that to myself.
I have to be happy.
Happier than anyone else.
After all, if I’m not, I won’t be able to forgive myself.
And yet…
All of a sudden, she didn’t know what she should do anymore.
Oh, what do I do?
Hurry, hurry. I need to be happy right this minute, but…
What did I have to do again?
Oh, that’s right. I remember.
I need to hang myself.
Then Satsuki took the strap of her shoulder bag, hooked it onto the ventilation window, wrapped its end around her throat, and let herself drop.
……Krikk.