Chapter 126

Sketch 5 …Even though people die, they don’t become nothingness. That’s what I think. Like their soul still exists even after they die? Their soul…I suppose so. Though I don’t know if that’s the right word for it. So they go to heaven or hell? I don’t know about that, either, but… …What about ghosts? Hm? Do ghosts exist? If a soul stays in the world of the living, does it become a ghost? There’s no such thing as ghosts. It’s the job of a proper adult to say that…But hmm. I suppose they might. Hmmm. Maybe I just want them to exist. Anyway, even if they do exist, I doubt that every single person becomes a ghost… 1 On that night of May 3, as I lay on the verge of death, the movement of my lips… What I had seen reflected in the mirror in that moment often rose vividly to mind and nothing could quiet my anxiety. What had I been trying to say? What had I said? My face spattered in blood. The contorted, taut expression slackening suddenly…and then— At first, my mouth opened slightly, as if in a gasp of surprise. But—I think—it was just open; I wasn’t able to say anything. Then, my lips moved ever so slightly. The movement was slight and trembling, but this time words came out…I’m sure of it. The sound of the words, my voice, was barely audible… No matter how hard I try to remember, even now I continue to feel tantalized impatience, the words just on the verge of hearing, just on the verge of seeing, just on the verge of reaching me…Now, finally, it’s… …The first word I’d spoken. I feel like it was “tsu.” And the second was “ki.” And then my lips moved again. There was no sound to accompany it, but the round shape of my lips—like the vowel o… …Meaning? The last sounds I spoke that night were “tsu” and “ki.” “Tsu” and “ki”—that could be tsuki, the word for moon. And it’s true that there was a half-moon in the sky that night. But that didn’t seem to be related at all. So then what did it mean? “Tsu” and “ki” may not have been the entire word I’d been trying to say. It was only a part of it, not the entire thing. There had actually been more, but I hadn’t spoken it. That thought led me to… The round shape of my open mouth—forming the vowel o. So I could have been saying “o,” “ko,” “so,” “to,” “no,” “ho,” “mo,” “yo,” or “ro”…But… What if I had been saying “ho”? “Tsu” and “ki” and “ho”—“Tsukiho.” Tsukiho—the name of my sister. That night, I might have been trying to convey the name Tsukiho. But why would I do that, lying on the verge of death…? … … …With a faint, almost uneasy smile on her face, Tsukiho had said, “You’re right, he did. It seems my brother has been off on a solo trip since the spring.” “Where did he go?” The person asking had been Kirika. She was Mei Misaki’s mother, as well as the craftswoman who had made my doll of the young girl in the black dress. She was a few years older than Tsukiho, a woman with majestic features. “I’m not sure…” Tsukiho had cocked her head to one side, never losing her smile. “He’s been like that for a long time. He’ll just take off without telling a soul where he’s going. And he’ll be gone for long stretches at a time…I suppose you could call it wanderlust.” “He sounds as if he enjoys his freedom.” “There have been so many times when I thought he had come back for a while, and he’d be off again to some foreign country or other. So you might say that we’re used to this sort of thing from him.” No, that’s not what happened—that’s not true. I wanted to stamp my foot, listening to them talk. That’s not what happened this time. I died and turned into a ghost, and I’m here… …It was at the Misakis’ vacation home. In their spacious living room where bright sunlight streamed through lace curtains. The house was built beside the sea, the windows thrown open to let the breeze in, so the sound of the waves outside was constant. There were also the sounds of seagulls or some other seabirds calling. At Kirika’s invitation, Tsukiho had come over with her two children for afternoon tea. I had appeared right in the middle of it. As if stepping down into the scene. There were six people seated around a large table, on which glasses for drinks and snack plates were arranged. They included Kirika’s invited guests Tsukiho, Sou, and Mirei. From the Misaki family, Kirika and Mei. Mr. Misaki—Mei’s father—was also there. Apparently he was in the same age range as Tsukiho’s husband, Shuji Hiratsuka, but he seemed much younger than Shuji and had a sort of athletic cheerfulness about him. “We really do appreciate the invitation, but unfortunately my husband had a prior engagement…I do apologize.” Mr. Misaki waved off Tsukiho’s explanation. “We’re here on vacation, but I’m sure your husband is very busy. I heard that he’s in the prefectural assembly now?” “Yes, that’s right. People were just so insistent, and I suppose he’d made up his mind to do it, too.” “He’s a man of so many talents, it’s only natural people would turn to him. The election was at the beginning of autumn, was it?” “Yes. Somehow he pulled through.” “It must be very difficult for you, as his wife,” Kirika said. “Oh no, there isn’t really anything for me to help with…” “Actually, we invited you over today at Mei’s request.” “Really! Mei wanted me to come over?” “She suggested it out of the blue, that she wanted to see everyone. And asked us to be sure to include Teruya, too…Isn’t that right, Mei?” With attention now turned on her, Mei Misaki replied with due politeness. “Yes, it is. Kirika told me so many interesting stories about Lakeshore Manor last year…” “Oh-ho. Is that what it was?” This from Mr. Misaki. He smiled, stroking his sparse mustache. “Yes,” Mei answered, again with all due politeness. “Now that you mention it, you visited the mansion last year, didn’t you, Mei?” Tsukiho asked. “I happened to be over at the same time. Along with Sou and Mirei…” Tsukiho’s eyes crinkled suddenly. It looked to me as if she were holding back tears, but the members of the Misaki family seemed not to notice and she quickly pulled herself together. “I’m very sorry that Teruya couldn’t come.” “When do you think Mr. Sakaki will be back?” Mei asked, and Tsukiho once again set her head to one side with a faint smile. “Who can say? He really is so fickle and unconstrained.” “Um…have you tried reaching him by cell phone or anything?” “Teruya doesn’t have a cell phone. There still isn’t much signal out at that house.” “This area seems to be out of cell phone range, according to the telecom companies.” This from Kirika. “Oh. I see,” Mei replied, nodding. Her gaze, which had alternated between Tsukiho and Kirika, now slid off to one side and stopped on a certain spot. A space behind where Mirei and Sou sat beside each other in chairs. Straight at the spot where I had appeared this time. She wasn’t wearing her eye patch. I sensed a strange light in the blue iris of her left eye for a moment. So that’s what it was. She could see me again today. 2 “But, Mei, what happened? Why are you wearing that bandage?” Tsukiho asked. I suspected that she wanted to change the subject, but it was true that Mei had a bandage around her right elbow. “Oh, I was on my bicycle yesterday and just…,” Mei answered. “It’s not that bad.” “She was practicing,” Kirika supplied, amending Mei’s response. “Oh, Mei. Do you not know how to ride a bike?” “I was thinking it must be embarrassing at this age and offered to get her private lessons, but, well,” Mr. Misaki amended further. “Oh, but you know, there’s no sense forcing the issue, eh? Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Right, Mei?” Looking toward his daughter, Mr. Misaki laughed loudly. Mei was silent, her face a blank—but she didn’t particularly look like she was sulking, either. “Meiii! Meiii!” Standing up from her seat, Mirei walked over to Mei. “Meiii, you wanna play dolls with me?” “Hm?” Mei cocked her head quizzically, so Mirei pointed toward the display shelf standing in the room. “That. Dolls.” “Now now, Mirei,” Tsukiho said, reining her daughter in. “Those dolls aren’t for playing with. Understand?” Several dolls, presumably made by Kirika, decorated the shelf. The dolls were of little girls and were small, but each had a delicate beauty about it. Mirei whined unhappily, and Sou gave her a contemptuous look as he moved over to the sofa by himself. Tsukiho’s gaze followed him. “Sou seems a bit down, don’t you think?” Kirika observed. “Yes…There’s been a lot going on, and he’s at a difficult age,” Tsukiho replied, sounding a little awkward and looking anxiously in Sou’s direction. “I got the feeling he didn’t want to come along today. But when I said we were having tea at the Misakis’ house, he said, ‘I’m coming, too!’” “Maybe it’s because Sou is so close to Teruya, so he misses him?” Kirika suggested. Then she twisted around in her chair and called out, “Sou? “Would you like some more sweets? Maybe some juice?” Sou shook his head without a word. The next moment, he stood up from his newly taken seat on the sofa and walked toward the display shelf Mirei had been pointing at. He stood in front of it and peered through the glass at the dolls inside. “Do you like this kind of doll, too, Sou?” Mei Misaki asked, coming to stand beside Sou. Sou’s shoulders jumped, as if he’d been caught off guard for a moment, then he gave a swift nod. “Um, yeah.” “Mr. Sakaki liked dolls, too, right?” “—Yeah.” “Is that why you like them?” “—I dunno.” “Which of these dolls do you like?” “Oh, uh…” “Meiii! Meiii!” Mirei came over to her again. “Mei, let’s play. I wanna play with dolls.” “Now now, Mirei,” Tsukiho repeated to get her under control. “It isn’t nice to pester people.” During this exchange, Sou returned to the sofa by himself. He lowered his gaze, which held a hint of loneliness, and a quiet sigh escaped him…Then finally— “I don’t know,” he whispered faintly. “I don’t know…anything.” “Sou?” Calling her son’s name, a hint of alarm in her voice, Tsukiho rose from her chair. “You know better than to start talking that way again…” “Oh…yes, ma’am.” “Wow, the weather is so nice.” Now it was Mei who spoke. She turned to the windows where the lace curtains rippled in the wind, and favoring her bandaged right elbow, she stretched her entire body stiffly. “I’m going to step outside.” 3 The “outside” Mei referred to was the terrace just outside the room— I felt somehow as if I’d been invited to join her, and though I hesitated somewhat, in the end I followed after her. From the terrace, Mei had stepped down onto the grass of the yard and was gazing out at the sea. I gradually approached behind her and— “Mr. Sakaki?” she asked, turning smoothly to look back over her shoulder. The blue iris of her left eye was aimed straight at me. “Yes. His ghost anyway.” “Is this the first time you’ve appeared since two days ago at Lakeshore Manor?” “—I suppose so.” “I see.” Mei twisted her body back around and returned her gaze to the sea. The house was beside the sea, but that doesn’t mean there were waves right in front of us. We were located a few minutes’ walk from the shore, a short distance away on a slight rise, giving an excellent view. After a long while, Mei spoke. “I saw a mirage from here once.” “Wow. When?” “August last year. The day before we went back to Yomiyama.” “A midsummer’s vision, eh?” “It wasn’t anything as amazing as that. There was a ship going along offshore, and it looked like the same ship was floating above it, but upside down.” “That’s really unusual to see in the summertime.” “The air close to the water is cooler and the air higher up is warmer, so light is refracted by the temperature difference and looks like a false image…” “Right. That’s a spring-type superior mirage.” I recited this knowledge that came so easily to me. “The winter type is the opposite, where the air close to the water is warmer and the air higher up is cooler, so you see the false image below the actual object. Which is an inferior mirage. I have photos of both kinds of mirage at my house.” “—I saw. You actually told me this same stuff last year.” “Oh. Did I?” “By the way—” Mei Misaki turned to look back at me once again. “I feel like we didn’t talk about why I was at Lakeshore Manor two days ago.” “Oh yes. I suppose that’s true…” Because I had been busy enough talking about my own situation. “The fact is,” Mei said, then closed both her eyes before slowly opening them again. “I wanted to ask you more details about the accident you’d been in when you were younger. Eleven years ago, in 1987, when you were in middle school.” “…” “You told me the other day that you were in Class 3 at North Yomi through the first semester of your third year in middle school. You said the bus accident that hurt your left leg so badly happened on the class trip…and a lot of people died in it.” “—That’s right.” “After that, your mother also died and you moved here from Yomiyama and transferred schools before summer break. So you managed to escape from the disasters.” “Disasters…that’s right. All of that is exactly like I told you before.” I nodded dutifully. After returning my nod in the same spirit, Mei started to speak. “Actually, I—” I cut her off. “You’re in third-year Class 3 at North Yomi yourself now. Is that it?” I suggested, anticipating where this was going. I had thought about the possibility when I read the newspaper article about a student’s accidental death…“It’s not impossible.” Mei nodded silently, seeming to tremble. I said, “I happened to see something in the paper at the end of May. Yukari Sakuragi, I think it was. The article said she was a third-year at North Yomi who had died at the school and that her mother had died the same day…Then my imagination just started running wild. Including the possibility that you were in the same class…” Mei nodded, again seeming to tremble. “Is this an on year?” I asked. “With an extra person slipped into your class…What about the disasters?” “—They’ve begun,” Mei replied, her voice subdued. “A couple people have already died. Even the head teacher before summer break.” “Oh…” “…That’s why.” “Why what?” “If you had lived through 1987, I thought I could ask you for information that might, in some small way, be useful…So that’s why I went to your house, I guess.” “And then you found out I had already died and become this ghost…I see. Were you surprised? Or disappointed?” Mei didn’t reply, and instead only leaned her head slightly to one side. Creee! Creee! a bird called out in the sky overhead. Looking up, I saw several seagulls circling low in the sky. “Even if I had been alive, I don’t think I would have been able to give you any useful information.” Her head still cocked to one side, Mei asked, “No?” “If anything, I think all I could have told you is ‘All you can do is run.’ Like we did all those years ago.” “Run…” “Because at least that saved us. And my classmates who came here for refuge over summer break were safe while they were here.” “Those people in the photo?” “Yes, them.” Yagisawa. Higuchi. Mitarai. Arai. As I answered, the faces of the four people who’d been in the photo with me rose in my mind, one after the other, when— I heard the sound of some sort of commotion. A sound quite unlike the various noises that had pervaded the air to that point; a sound that stirred up a powerful, instinctive unease… …The shrill sound of a siren. Probably a police car. Several of them. They came closer and closer and finally stopped. On the road running alongside the sea, visible from where we stood. “I wonder what it is.” In the same moment Mei spoke, I murmured unconsciously, “What could that be? An accident maybe…” “Hmm. If it had been a car accident, we would have heard a crash or something loud like that. It isn’t that far away really.” “Then what…?” “Maybe someone drowned. They’re close to a swimming spot.” As she spoke, Mei stretched to a fuller height and looked down at where the police cars had stopped. Squinting my eyes to focus, I tried to make out what was happening as best I could. “Oh…look at all the people they have down there. The police are all heading to the shore…” The sea breeze carried the sound of people’s voices. I couldn’t make out what they were saying clearly, but the air felt charged with tension. “Maybe something did happen in the water?” “Maybe not a crash, but some kind of incident.” Mei turned back to me. “Maybe there was some kind of scuffle between people on the beach and they had to call the police, or maybe—” She trailed off suggestively. “Maybe what?” I prodded. And after pausing a bit longer, she responded with this: “Maybe a dead body washed up on the shore or something. It’s not totally impossible that’s what happened, right?” “Er…” The words dead body naturally elicited a strong reaction in me. A body washed up on the beach. A body that, until it washed up, had been floating in the ocean or sunk below the water. It could be— It—that dead body…was it mine? The thought made my vision lurch. …My body. Had it been tossed into the ocean after I’d died? And only now… My body over there. Soaking in the water for so long, it would certainly have gotten bloated. The flesh picked at by fish, it would have been reduced to tatters… “If it’s bothering you, I can go find out?” Mei offered, as if seeing through to my turbulent thoughts within. “Though I think the information will come in before too long, even if we don’t rush down there.” “Yes…you’re right.” I nodded, but I felt too unnerved to stand still and I staggered, as if hypnotized by the distant sight of the spinning lights of the police cars. Just then— “What’s all this noise about?” Mr. Misaki asked as he came out onto the terrace. “Hmm? What are the police doing in a place like that…? I wonder what happened.” It was at that precise moment— I don’t know why, but I could feel my presence fading. If this continued, I would soon be dragged into the “hollow darkness.” I would disappear, in the opposite sense of how I appeared. Such was the sense of foreboding I experienced. “…I don’t think we should talk,” Mei Misaki said in a whisper. “I’ll see you later, when no one else is around, Mr. Ghost.” 4 Afterward, I only barely managed to stay in that place, but with an entirely unprecedented lack of stability. I suppose the word sporadic applies best. Over a short span of time, I appeared and nearly disappeared, then actually did disappear before reappearing…repeating over and over. I don’t know what I looked like to the left eye of Mei Misaki. The commotion of the apparent emergency on the beach went on for a bit, but in the end we never “went to find out” what was going on…We heard the information from Mr. Misaki about twenty minutes later. I don’t know how he obtained the information. He seemed to have gone to another room and made a phone call to someone or other, so perhaps he had a connection with the police. Regardless— When he returned from the other room, Mr. Misaki informed everyone that “it seems they’ve found someone’s corpse on the beach.” I had started to disappear yet again, but then he said that. It felt as if his words riveted me to the spot momentarily. Everyone’s reactions were very different. Kirika murmured, “Oh my,” and put a hand to her mouth. Despite her furrowed brow, her face was nevertheless majestic as she turned it to look out the window. Tsukiho gave tiny cry of “What!” and then bowed her head, looking somewhat agitated. The color seemed to be draining ever so slightly from her face. Mirei tilted her head to one side, then turned to her mother and asked, “What’s a corpse?” Distracted by this, Tsukiho told her, “Uh…it’s nothing,” and hugged her daughter close. “You don’t need to worry about it, Mirei.” Sou stood up, swaying, from the sofa where he had been sitting away from his mother and little sister. His eyes still as expressionless as ever, he looked around the room and abruptly murmured in a low voice, “…I don’t know,” then lowered himself back onto on the sofa. “What did they say about the corpse?” Mei was the one who had asked this question. Mr. Misaki stroked his mustache with a slightly uncomfortable look, evidently regretting how inappropriate the information was for his audience. “They said it was a missing couple. They took a boat out from a beach on the other side of Raimizaki and never came back…And I didn’t know this, but apparently there’s been quite a flap about it the past few days. The body they just found was probably one of the two of them.” “—That’s awful.” “They said it was the drowned body of a woman. They still haven’t found the man.” “So it was a woman.” “Yes. That’s what I was told, at least.” …The drowned body of a woman. As my presence began once again to gradually fade away, I listened intently to this conversation between the two of them, and I understood. The drowned body of a woman had washed up on the beach. A woman…Meaning it wasn’t my body. When I realized that, I noticed that I felt relieved. It was a bizarre feeling. Why should I be relieved? Why would that make me feel better? At this very moment, I still didn’t know where my body was or what had become of it. I would have to keep looking for it, and yet…Why? Perhaps I didn’t actually want to acknowledge my death. Could thoughts like that still be inside me, after all this time? I doubted it. It couldn’t be that. This was nothing more than a trick of my mind…Or rather, perhaps, something instinctive deriving from sensations experienced when I was alive. 5 When the day’s social call broke up, I was again barely holding on to the place, appearing and disappearing, beginning to disappear…going through that cycle. While I was in this state, Mei Misaki spoke to me, seizing a moment when no one else was nearby. “I’m thinking of going back to Lakeshore Manor tomorrow.” She presented the information matter-of-factly in a low voice. “In the afternoon, say around two o’clock.” “Huh?” Surprised, I equivocated. She fixed her eyes on me and smiled. “Can we talk some more there?” “—It doesn’t do much good asking me.” It wasn’t as if I could say, Oh yes, I see, and promise to appear there. That was the reality of being a ghost. “You can’t make it tomorrow?” “Well…it’s not really a question of whether or not it’s convenient for me.” “Hmmm. I guess I get that.” Mei Misaki pulled a bit of a face, twisting one cheek, but quickly regained her neutrality. “Well, whatever. I’ll still try going.” Then suddenly Mei raised her right hand and covered her right eye with her palm. One end of the bandage wrapped around her elbow came loose and swayed. “There are a bunch of things I’ve been thinking about.” “Oh…um.” I was at a loss for how to respond, and she turned her blue eye directly onto me. Then she said: “I think I understand the situation, but…That place was your home, so please put a little effort into appearing there. All right, Mr. Ghost?”