She could try encouraging him, but all that did was make him sink further into his depression. She could get mad at him, but mad? At her captain? No, that was not happening. Besides, that would be too self-centered. She could cry, but she got the feeling that that would be an utter disaster. She could be cheerful—but would that make her look like a weirdo? Good thing she wasn’t one. (At least, according to Fie.) She searched all her past interactions with Crow, Queen, and the rest of the boys but couldn’t find an answer.
Just then, Conrad’s smirking face, and a suggestion—make him pamper you—came to mind. For some reason, Fie felt like this was the right answer, although, according to Conrad, it was too obviously manipulative of a trick. Her cheeks flushed slightly at the thought of trying to have Captain Yore pamper her. Acting like a spoiled child on purpose is kind of embarrassing, she thought. But she had to do her best. Her captain had to feel forgiven.
“Um, Captain...” she began. “I have a favor I was hoping I could ask you.”
Roy reacted with great vigor. “O-Oh, yes! Just say the word, and I’ll do it to the best of my ability!”
Good, his usual liveliness had returned. Even in the midst of her embarrassment, Fie was relieved that this had worked. However, she wasn’t used to relying on other people, so she hadn’t been prepared to actually ask for something. So, she settled on something she actually wanted. “Um, you see...I was hoping that I could meet Queen and Gormus and all... You know, my friends from the squires.”
Was that even possible? Fie began to worry that this might be too much for a simple attempt to cheer up Roy.
Roy looked pained. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I can’t let you meet with them...at least for now.”
Great, now they were right back at square one. Fie considered it further and hit upon one thing she actually wanted more. It was her true wish, the one that had come to mind when she asked to see her friends. She had begun this exercise as a means to cheer her captain up, but now she truly felt invested, so, a bit anxiously, she asked, “Um... Captain, I was wondering...when can I return to the north dorm?”
The tea party fell into an unprecedented silence. It was a loaded question. To Fie, the time she had spent in that dorm was the best in her entire life. There she had been treated properly for the first time ever, made her first ever friends, was watched out for by older adults, reprimanded, praised—all the things that she wanted in life. And Roy knew this as well as she did. Even as the main cause of Fie’s misfortune, he was one of the adults who had watched out for her even when she was being a fool, listened to her cheerful reports, and given her advice with a smile. Therefore, he understood her wish so badly that it hurt. It was a natural thing to want, but the only answer Roy could give Fie was downright demonic. Roy knew that he, himself, was the demon to Fie.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I know I have no right to say this after everything I put you through, but Heath...no, Fie, excuse me. Considering your social standing, there is no way you can return to being a squire. After all, more people are becoming aware of the fact that you are my second wife. For you to return to your life as a squire is...well...impossible.”
Even as he knew this was a terrible thing to tell her, the king in him had no choice but to say it. Ever since he had met this person named Heath, he had endeavored all the more in his government work to make this kingdom a land Heath could live comfortably in. It was as a king that he denied her even the smallest happiness, but it was as Roy himself, he knew, that his actions truly harmed her. Still, for all of that, there was nothing else he could do. He was powerless. Dishonest. A monster.
Even when she heard this, Fie did not blame Roy in any way, but tears began to dribble down her cheeks. “I...see...” she murmured.
Oh no. Roy wanted to curl up and die. He had never felt like this before in his otherwise proud life. He wanted to completely disappear or, even better, smash his head against the wall until he died. However, he couldn’t do that. A king couldn’t do anything so atrociously selfish as kill himself, and besides, he needed to save Fielle too. If, after all this, Fielle couldn’t even be saved, then this was all for naught.
Besides, dying wouldn’t make Fie happy. If anything, it would make her cry. Roy now understood the worried glances he had been receiving for the entire past week. He wanted to die, but he couldn’t. Nor could he comfort her. Even his apologies were only attempts at assuaging his own guilt, and the self-centeredness of this made Roy loathe himself all the more. But there was nothing else he could do... What a mess indeed. He could only stand there like a dummy, utterly helpless, as this girl wept before him.
“I’m sorry,” Fie said, trying to give him advance notice, “but do you mind if I cry a bit?” And for a few minutes, she did just that.
Her eyes were still red even when her crying stopped. She smiled and added, “I’m sorry. That must have bothered you. I understand, I really do, that I can’t go back to where I was before. Thank you for telling me.”
If it was in the king’s power to do so, she would have asked him to turn back the clock. But to when? Who knew? How far back would she have to go to correct her own foolish path, and would she be able to find happiness? She didn’t know.