On her first day back at classes, she walked into the auditorium and saw Shiraishi and Itose. Shiraishi sounded as happy as ever, but today all she said was a very proper, “Good morning.”
“I saw what happened on TV. It’s terrible …” Itose said.
“Thanks,” said Kimi. It was all she could do to say it. Neither of the girls said anything else.
It had been a while since she’d been to class. She desperately tried to follow the professor’s words, or keep up with what he wrote on the blackboard. But nothing stuck in her mind.
Oh no, she muttered to herself when she looked down at her blank notebook page at the end of class.
Eventually she realized that she wasn’t going to be any good that day, and went home. On her way home, as she walked toward her house, she kept bumping into one person after another. And when she got home, she thought about her family and started to cry again. She couldn’t sleep that night, and before she realized it, it was morning again. Time for class.
She had no appetite but knew she had to have something in her system, so she forced herself to drink something and eat some gelatin, but nothing had any flavor to her. Not even her favorite pastry appealed to her anymore.
Her notebook was still blank. And time was passing quickly without her writing anything down. I can’t remember how I made it through life all this time.
Am I losing it?
She sat down on a bench on campus, a can of orange juice in her hand, and wondered about her own sanity. Even the light coming through the leaves of the trees hurt her eyes now.
Everyone in her department knew, and they were all giving her some distance. Her friends from home just watched because they didn’t know what to say.
She was alone in the world.
“I wish I’d gone with you …” Nobody could hear her, but Kimi whispered it out loud anyway. “I wish I’d gone with you …”
I wish I’d died with you …
Do I even need to come to classes anymore? Doctors save people’s lives, but I’ve already lost the people most important to me. So there’s nothing left for me to learn here.
I’m already dead anyway.
The moment I lost my family, my heart was torn apart and I died. All that’s left is an empty shell.
I want to see my dad. And my mom. And my brother. I want to see them all. It was the only thing she wanted, and her desire grew stronger by the second.
The can of orange juice, barely touched, fell out of her hand and hit the ground. The juice gushed out, going everywhere, and the mouth of the can was covered in dirt and grass.
Kimi picked up the empty can and sighed.
“I gotta pull myself together.”
She stood up from the bench and walked over to the vending machine to throw the can away. She put some coins in the machine and bought another juice. The can was dispensed with a thud. Kimi picked it up and headed off to her next lecture. She was annoyed as she climbed the stairs to the auditorium.
Somewhere in the distance she heard other students having fun. And I’m stuck here alone, feeling like I want to disappear.
“Hey,” someone said behind her. Surprised, she turned around reflexively and saw a man coming up the stairs behind her. He was slim and tall with glasses and a nice smile. Is he in my year?
“You forgot your change. In the vending machine,” he said, and showed her the change in his hand. I guess I forgot it when I bought the juice. And he brought it to me.
“Th-thank you,” she stuttered and took the change. Normally, the conversation would’ve ended here. But the boy had other ideas.
“Are you a freshman? What’s your name?”
Confused, she said, “Nishino.”
“Nishino? I’m Nishiki!” he laughed.
The only people who had talked to Kimi lately were people who knew that she had lost her family. She’d looked at so many concerned, caring, slightly troubled faces that his smile was utterly dazzling to her. She looked away, feeling slightly uncomfortable. I don’t want him to see me look upset.
He was so kind to bring me my change. But I don’t know how to be around people right now. I don’t want to bring him down.
But what he said next surprised her. “Ms. Nishino, can I have your phone number?”
“What?”
The word fell out of her mouth immediately.
“Let’s go out sometime.”
“Huh?”
Although she kept speaking nonsense, his eyes stayed fixed on her. Maybe he didn’t mean anything by it, but Kimi couldn’t understand why someone this attractive would want to go out with her.
“What’s your number?”
He got out his phone and took down her number. She still didn’t understand what was going on, but she got out her phone too.
“Nishiki, right?” she said as she entered his name.
He grinned in confirmation.
“Nishiki Nishio, but everyone calls me Nishiki.”
“All right, Nishiki.”
“I might be in touch tonight,” he said, waving as he left. Kimi was left standing there on her own, stuck to the spot. She wondered if she’d been daydreaming, but when she checked her contacts, she saw his number there and knew that it had really happened.
And that was how she met Nishiki.
That night when she got home, she set her phone on the table and stared at it.
“Maybe it was just a joke.”
Of course it was. What could a guy like that, who knew how to talk to women, want with a girl like her?
But just that little spark of something happening had reminded Kimi what real life was like. That she had once spoken to people like that on a daily basis.
But it didn’t take long for that spark to fade. She remembered her family again and threw herself down on top of her desk. Sadness welled up within her. I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up. I wish tomorrow would never come.
Suddenly she heard her phone buzz with a new message. She grabbed it to check and saw nishiki.
He really did get in touch. Still surprised, she opened the message.
“Hey. What are you up to?”
She looked at her textbooks. “I’m studying,” she wrote. An informative reply. Nervously, she hit send.
“Impressive,” he wrote. “By the way, what’s your major?”
“Medicine,” Kimi wrote. Soon enough another reply came from Nishiki.
“Amazing. I’m in pharma studies. Maybe we have some classes in common?”
That’s how their freewheeling, anything-goes conversation started. There was no pity or compassion in his words. He didn’t know anything about her loss, which was why Kimi could talk to him. Part of her was so relieved.
“We should study together tomorrow,” she wrote, finishing the conversation for the evening. “Night.”
I know it was all by text, but that’s the first time in a long time that I’ve had a real conversation. She felt exhausted all of a sudden, now that the tension of their conversation was broken. She was tired, yes, but she was also sleepy. Kimi rubbed her eyes and got into bed.
And she slept like a log.