As expected, the former crown prince looked very shocked. The regret in his eyes was so deep, and his emotions seemed to sink lower than depression. He looked like he’d died inside. He simply sat in his seat, head hanging, as a husk. I wanted to say something to rectify the situation, but Azlate’s analysis wasn’t wrong, so I couldn’t even correct anything he’d said.
In our family, we gave our covert operatives status and a salary, whereas other houses only gave out status at best. The only time their operatives received pay was when they completed work. However, there wasn’t always work for them to do, so more often than not, they had to take on commoner jobs in order to survive.
However, they had status, meaning that they needed noble clothing whenever they met with their lords, as well as carriages for travel. Essentially, they needed to live like nobles on a commoner’s salary, which meant everyone in their clan needed to save money. All things considered, commoners had much easier lives than they did.
Since amassing that much money was difficult, flower operatives often worked in high-end adult entertainment houses. I could only imagine how many painful experiences they had. It was only natural that these kinds of women would betray their lords if they found someone to love them for who they really were.
Even if they completed their missions and returned to their daily lives, all that’d be waiting for them was a life of squalor and the same painful jobs. They’d also have to continue hiding their identities both during and outside of missions. If someone actually saw past their disguise and loved them for the first time, they would most likely be so enthralled that they’d lay down their own life to protect their love.
The former crown prince stayed silent. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, frightened of what carelessly disturbing him might do in his situation. I ended up simply continuing to sip my tea even after Azlate left.
But after a long, very long stretch of silence, he began to speak.
“Thinking about it...you need to overcome the fear of being hurt in order to step into their heart and move from being friends to lovers. That probably goes for any kind of relationship. In order to deepen your bonds, you can’t be afraid of being hurt, and you need to keep pressing forward. I couldn’t do that... I never asked anything of Lily at all. I only ever listened to what she wanted because I was scared of her hating me, so I never was selfish with her at all. Maybe... Maybe somewhere inside me, I didn’t trust her completely.”
His eyes were unfocused as he looked at the ground. I couldn’t help but gulp at his words. I was the same. I had never told Sir Gino my truest desires. Despite wanting to join Sir Gino on the battlefield, I was too scared of him growing to hate me. Is it possible that I don’t trust Sir Gino either?
“I’m gonna go do some training,” the prince said as he walked unsteadily out of the drawing room.
Even after a day had passed, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d said about not having the courage to take the step forward into someone’s heart. It made sense to me. If one kept pushing, they could gain deeper understanding and a deeper bond with the person they loved. In order to become a married couple with a bond like that, I needed to be courageous and take that step forward to understand Sir Gino better. To do that, I needed to show him what lay in my own heart. I needed to be selfish. However, if that clashed with his own opinions, then...
For me, being selfish felt like it meant wishing for something that Sir Gino didn’t want. If I voiced these desires too much, I was afraid he would start to hate me. But if I didn’t say anything, then I might end up with the same regrets as the former crown prince.
I was most scared of him falling out of love with me. The pain of him ending our engagement had been truly hellish, and I had no desire to feel that way ever again. But on the other hand, I strongly wished to get closer to Sir Gino. My feelings were in direct conflict with one another...
“Bridgette... Do you think Sir Gino will listen to my selfish requests?” I asked Bridgette as she helped me get ready for the day.
Hearing this, she began laughing hard. “Oh, that’s what you’re worried about? You shouldn’t be at all. You could ask him for the moon and he’d deliver it to you.”
“Do you really think so?”
“Of course I do, and I’m sure anyone else you ask will say the same. Even someone who’s only seen the two of you for five minutes would come to the same conclusion. It’s very obvious and plain to see.”
“But...I’m frightened. I’m frightened he will leave me again, and that stops me from trying.”
I thought I heard Bridgette say “That shitty bastard” under her breath, but it must have been my imagination.
“It’s not your fault that you’re unable to tell him your deepest desires. It’s all because of the trauma you endured. It’s Sir Ginorious’s fault that you’re hurt like this. Seriously, how could he hurt my precious young madam like this?!”
This was something I didn’t realize. Even my primary physician, Dr. Susanna, said I was all better, but it seemed I was still hurt. There was a part of me deep down still frightened that Sir Gino would leave me, and it was caused by this trauma.
“However, I can at least say this much: Sir Ginorious could never ever come to hate you. Even when he ended your engagement, it wasn’t because of any resentment he held toward you. He did it because he thought it was for your sake. Even when he lived in the slums, his head was filled with nothing but thoughts of you. Though there are a lot of problems with him, I believe it’s okay to believe how much he loves you.”
That’s true. He distanced himself from me because he thought it would be best for me. Even after that, he continued loving me. What exactly am I scared of? There’s no basis for this fear. It seems that I truly didn’t trust him, which is why I felt uneasy.
“The reason Sir Ginorious did that was because of a lack of communication. Both of you were too reserved with each other and couldn’t speak what was truly on your minds. Keeping your desires to yourself has the opposite effect of what you intend. These desires are a form of your true thoughts, so you should express them as much as you want and be more open with each other.”
When mother learned that I’d been hiding the bullying from her, she told me that being honest with those you care about and telling them everything was important, and that was what it meant to be family. Now Bridgette was saying something similar.
With Sir Gino’s counseling, he was slowly changing and becoming able to speak his true feelings. He was putting in this effort because he wanted to get closer to me. Now the problem lay with me. I was unable to speak my selfish desires and thus unable to tell Sir Gino my true feelings. I couldn’t let this go on. I was the source of the problem. I was the reason we weren’t getting closer.
Dr. Susanna had told me that in order to overcome my trauma, I needed to try, little by little, to do all the things I hadn’t been able to. I needed to follow her advice and start making the effort. But thinking about Sir Gino being displeased made me...
“It’ll be all right. If you get into a fight, all you have to do is make up afterward. Some people even get closer after fighting. I’m sure that making up will be a cinch for the two of you.”
That’s true. We can simply make up if we get into a fight. Mother and father fight too, but father always apologizes profusely, and they make up. Though I was still frightened, I needed to believe in Sir Gino. To establish a relationship of trust, I needed to trust him first. I decided I would do it.
That’s right. I will trust him. I will trust that I can voice my innermost desires to him, and that we can talk things out if we have different opinions, and that we’ll be able to make up even if we get into a fight. In order to become even closer than we are right now, in order to become an even closer married couple, I will believe in Sir Gino and keep moving closer to him. To start, I would bring up my courage to tell him something that I desperately wanted to do. I’m going to do my best!
“Bridgette, I won’t be wearing that today,” I said as she brought over a blue dress.
“Understood. What outfit shall I prepare for you?”
“Armor and a helmet.”
“E-Excuse me?! Wh-Where are you going?!”
“Hm? To the battlefield, of course. Where else?”
“Wh-Why would you go there?!”
“Hm? Didn’t you tell me that I should trust Sir Gino to accept my selfish desires and that I should go to the battlefield to tell him my true feelings, and that it’ll be okay even if we get into a fight because, just as you said, we can make up?”
“That’s not what I meant! You can’t go! Please, please, reconsider!”
“I’ve already made up my mind.”
Bridgette cradled her head as if it hurt. “I can’t believe this... How could I mess up like this...” she muttered.
I couldn’t help but think she acted like this not too long ago as well, but I didn’t think she’d messed up at all. I now had the courage to continue getting closer to Sir Gino. I believed she’d given me very wonderful advice.