It was a dream. I’d been dreaming wide-awake. It was an impossible dream, wilder than anything I could’ve imagined… A pitiful waking dream, gone forever in the blink of an eye. I sat and sat thinking in silence how long that dream had lasted, but eventually I gave up and just stared at the backs of my hands blankly. I rolled over, stretching my arms to the ceiling as if I wanted to poke my hands through it. My gaze shifted to my fingertips. Heat was piling up on them like snow. Beyond the ceiling, summer was beating down in a torrent of sunshine. The summer reached down to my cheeks, making them clammy, and then it rolled down them and dropped into a little puddle on the floor. I wished it was evening already, but the world was still bathed in sunshine. There were so many hours left to go. As I lay on the futon on the floor, spread-eagled, I mused that my room had gotten bigger. Unlike the blades of the fan, the gears in my brain weren’t turning as I observed the ceiling. On the way back from the planetarium, Umi had told me she was going to move out, and she had been true to her word. She didn’t have many personal possessions, and she’d left none behind. She was gone, just like that, before the summer was over. It was too tedious to count the days she’d been living with me, so in the end, I didn’t know how long exactly we’d spent together. The floral scent that always followed her around was only clinging to dust now. I stared in silence, thinking about how at first, I couldn’t wait to be rid of Umi. At some point, I’d stopped thinking about her moving out. I hadn’t known when it might happen, and I’d deceived myself into thinking it never would. And then, it suddenly had. The blossom of my first love had been trampled. I’d been telling myself this love had no future, but even so, it’d hurt when it had ended. The single, ordinary flower had died before any more buds had the chance to open. The circumstances in which I’d met Umi were bizarre, but my first love was a common story of unrequited feelings. The woman called Shiho Chitaira did surprise me a bit. I hadn’t reckoned she’d stay with Umi, but she had, so I’d had no choice but to give up. Umi Mizuike might be even more of a free spirit than her eccentric sister. In other news, Umi’s mom was still living with us, with no sign of that changing. I could hear her loudly talking with my mother, and it annoyed me. “Did you notice the syllables of my name read the same backward and forward?” “Mi-zu-i-ke-i-zu-mi… You’re right. I didn’t realize!” “That was a fun fact about me. Your turn.” “It wasn’t even that funny!” My mom was enjoying Umi’s mom’s company more than she ever had mine. Neither my mom nor I were still the same people as when it had just been us two. I couldn’t help seeing a line separating me and her. Or me and all the other people I used to be connected to. Maybe they wouldn’t see it, but I did. Don’t be silly, thought a very different me, a girl I no longer identified with. I didn’t know who I was anymore, and thinking about it only made me tired. “I want to go home…,” I muttered, even though I was in my own room. I sighed deeply and closed my eyes so all I had to see was darkness. Beyond it, the whirring fan made my hair sway like barley in a field. Umi Mizuike had moved out and was now living with Ms. Chitaira…or at least, that’s what I believed. I didn’t know the details, and I sure as heck wasn’t going to ask either of them about it. They hadn’t contacted me since Umi had moved out, and I didn’t seek contact with them, either. I didn’t know where they’d rented an apartment or their phone number… Wait, had I exchanged numbers with Umi? I couldn’t remember. My memories of Umi had become muddled. Muddled, or faded? In any case, they were becoming more distant. When I got up, I’d robotically start doing house chores. It was convenient, not having to think. The empty feeling, like a constant dryness in my throat, shouldn’t be painful if I managed to keep my brain switched off. When I was in my room without anything to do, even when I didn’t have the energy to think, memories I didn’t want to view again would surface in my head. “I’m gonna die,” I said out loud, imitating the cadence of Umi’s voice. I couldn’t say it without cringing. She’d been serious about ending her life when she was no longer a high schooler. Umi and her older sister were two different spins on the same theme. Once one of them got an idea into their head, they would follow through no matter what, and they both had more than a few screws loose. On second thought, they had probably unscrewed those screws themselves. At that moment, was Umi showing her naked body to her sister? I shouldn’t have thought about that, I realized, pressing my fists into the floor. “She brainwashed her…” Ms. Chitaira had gotten Umi to believe she could only feel happiness by being with her, and Umi was subconsciously making it true. If Ms. Chitaira was the first woman you got close to…I could totally see how anyone might turn out like Umi. That woman was powerful and skilled enough to mold people into what she wanted, and given her twisted personality, that didn’t spell anything good for her targets. If only Umi had met me first. I’d have shown her how caring I could be. I’d have treated her with respect. As for money… Well, I didn’t have that. But did you need to have money to have a successful relationship? Theoretically, no. In practice, you were out. It all boiled down to money. That wicked woman had said having money enabled you to care for others, and it was true. Money made a lot of things easier, giving you more free time, making you less stressed… It allowed you to be kinder to yourself. I’m sure there were amazing people out there who managed to be kind to others even when their own circumstances were putting them under heavy strain, but I wasn’t that strong. In other words…even if I had met Umi before her sister had gotten to her, I’m pretty sure I would have failed. Umi and her sister were destined to be together. I wasn’t. End of story. Umi didn’t see a problem with her girlfriend also being her sister. When someone had no concept of what was normal, you’d be wasting your breath appealing to common sense. I rolled around on the floor, letting resignation sink in. There was nothing I could’ve done differently that would’ve helped. The whole affair had been doomed from the start. That was a fact, but the more I told myself that, the more acute my regret. I remembered being on the train with Umi on the way back from the planetarium. That scene and that conversation would torment me until I died. I felt like…I should’ve said something then, but what and how? I’d had the urge to tell her something, but I’d been too stunned to put it into words, and now regret was drilling a hole in my brain. Umi used to read her textbooks all the time to “get smarter.” Now I wished I were smarter, too. I rolled to the other side. “You chose being a dumbass…,” I accused Umi. I was a sore loser. The fan wasn’t set to turn anymore. It was fixed on me. “Taaakasora!” chirped Umi’s mom. Why was she still here even though her daughter had moved out? Why was she calling me with such familiarity, sticking her head into my room? The wispy lines of her body made her look like a ghost. If she actually was a living, breathing human being, how was there enough strength in her body to lean against my door? “…Yes?” I replied without moving. “I made lunch. Want some?” “…Huh?” Now that was unexpected. Umi’s mom’s contributions to house chores were so insignificant they could legally be omitted from the ingredients list on the label of our household life. Had she actually done something that counted as genuine help? I sat up on the futon. With a smile, Umi’s mom waved for me to come. I was mildly intrigued, so I fought back the heavy, oppressive heat and stood up. My mom still went to work while I was on summer break, but it hadn’t occurred to me until then that I’d been alone in that apartment with Umi’s mom. Normally, she was so quiet I didn’t even register her presence. Well, she was quiet when my mom wasn’t around. When my mom was in, they were always talking, apparently having a great time. Mom never laughed when she was just with me. That stung a little. I wondered if Umi’s mom was trying to prank me. I could imagine her saying, “Only joking!” when we got to the dining table, but there was actually food on it. Inside a small bowl was…steamed lettuce with tomatoes? It smelled faintly of alcohol. There was also a frying pan with some kind of potato dish…maybe a gratin? It was resting on a pot stand we never really used. I could see there were other ingredients besides potatoes in that frying pan, but a layer of melted cheese made it impossible to guess what they were. I was shocked Umi’s mom had made what appeared to be actual food. Never mind that she’d used what we had in the fridge without asking. “…You can cook.” “I used to be a housekeeper.” She giggled with a hint of pride and sat down at the table, her legs folding like a dry stick breaking in two. I had to think about where to sit, eventually choosing the opposite side of the table. A strange atmosphere filled the room. I was about to have lunch together with a woman I had absolutely no connection to, who was smiling at me amiably from across the table. “I often made snacks for Shiho. She loved glazed roasted sweet potatoes.” “Really…” I knew she used to work for the Chitaira family as a maid until she’d gotten kicked out after Umi’s dad had gotten her pregnant. She came off as a completely harmless person, but she might secretly be devious. It seemed unlikely, though—my take on Umi’s mom was that she was a total pushover with zero ability to defend herself against those who wanted to take advantage of her. That was how she’d ended up giving birth to Umi, who in turn had given me hell as my first crush. Thinking about this domino effect made me dizzy. “…Thanks for cooking.” “You’re welcome,” she said, already picking up the chopsticks. She was the first to start eating. I was a bit taken aback by this violation of etiquette, but I soon followed suit and tried some of the steamed lettuce and tomato salad. The dressing…was good. Umi’s mom seemed like the most unreliable person in the world, but she knew how to cook. What was going through my head must have been showing on my face. Umi’s mom grinned, munching on a tomato. “I’d say I’m a pretty good cook.” “Then why haven’t you been cooking for us until now?” “Nat said I didn’t need to.” She giggled with childlike glee. I didn’t understand why she was so happy. It was also weird to hear someone use a pet name for my mom. “But I thought I should share in the chores if I’m living here with you.” “I see…” How long was she planning on living with us, though? Hold on. Had she moved in…permanently? Come to think of it, my mom seemed perfectly happy to have this woman living with us. Was I going to have two moms from now on? Wow… I better hurry and move out myself. I had some of that potato dish next. It was pretty tasty, too. I wouldn’t have used as much salt, but I could forgive that in summer. Even though I liked the food, I didn’t like eating it together with a person who was largely unknown to me. I didn’t know what to talk to her about, but one thing was nagging at me. “Why didn’t you stop your daughter?” “From moving out to be with Shiho?” “Yeah, that.” “Oh, I wouldn’t want to meddle. It was Umi’s own decision.” I was tempted to ask her if she also didn’t mind Umi’s other decision, to die after graduating, but Umi’s mom continued talking before I could say anything. “She was never happy when we lived together. Quite the opposite, really. I’m sure she’ll be happier living with someone else.” “…” So this woman had given some consideration to her daughter’s choice, but it was nearly impossible to tell the difference between her being supportive or blithe about it. Not that there was any point dissecting the matter anymore. What was done was done. “Shiho is such a caring girl. I’m sure she’ll be good to Umi.” “Yeah…” What a wonderful big sister, so caring toward her little sister she also had sex with. “She’s also very well-off.” “Yeah…” That was the crucial part. Money meant possibilities. That was the asset I lacked that Ms. Chitaira had more than her fair share of, and I couldn’t do anything about that. “Well, thanks for lunch. It was really good.” I stood up, a little hopeful that if I just left everything on the table, Umi’s mom would tidy up and do the dishes, too. “Takasora.” I felt like it was a child calling my name, not a grown woman. “You were a good friend to Umi. Thank you.” That was the sort of thing you’d say to a friend of someone who’d died. Somehow, it really annoyed me. “I’m still her friend,” I said angrily. Umi’s mom laughed joylessly. “I’m still Umi’s friend,” I repeated. “Sure.” The way she said it sounded like she pitied me. I ran back to my room—to hide. I had to admit that Umi’s mom was right. I was no longer anything to Umi, never mind a friend. Umi had permanently shut me out of her life. I was just slow adjusting. I was never going to see her or her sister again. Nobody else was going to take up space in my room. The summer would end, and I’d go back to school. Every day, I’d go to school, come back home, and that would be my life. Soon, I’d be back to how I used to be before Umi Mizuike and Shiho Chitaira—a girl who always walked staring at her feet. Did it really have to be like that? I lay down on the floor, rolling around and struggling to accept the inevitable. The movement made my cabinet shake a little. I noticed something sticking out from under it. I crept to the cabinet on my hands and knees and pulled out the thing… I stared in shock at a large amount of money. It didn’t take much thought to figure out whose it was. “…Ha-ha.” Umi’s hidden stash. She must’ve forgotten about it in her hurry to go and live with her sister. “That girl and her one-track mind…” I grabbed all those banknotes, the money Umi had earned with her body. This used to be her lifeline, which she no longer needed. Well, congrats, Umi. I threw the notes on the floor, thinking I’d lie down on them instead of my futon, but it wasn’t enough. It just looked like a mess. Anyway, I sprawled out on the floor on top of the cash, waiting for sensation to return to my fingertips. That summer hadn’t just been a dream. Umi Mizuike had really stayed in my room. She’d let me feel her breasts in this room. That was my most vivid memory of her, I was ashamed to admit. I was still feeling antsy, like I was expecting something to happen. I sat up as if I were going to get up and go somewhere, but I wasn’t moving. Did I want that something to happen? I wasn’t sure. My anticipation was equally mixed with fear. Then it happened. Want to come over? By the time Ms. Chitaira texted me, cicadas were already dropping dead from the trees. It took me two days to reply to her. During that time, I didn’t think about her message. Instead, I focused on cleaning the house, doing laundry. The physical work was a good escape from thinking, but I couldn’t run forever.
Chapter 31
15 min read