She was threatening me with love. Ridiculous. Chitaira herself found it funny—she covered her mouth, stifling a giggle. “You hate me, don’t you?” she asked me. “I sure do.” I was showing my teeth. She stuck her tongue out in response. She was sitting at the other end of the table, but I shrank away from her. “Then I’m sure you’d hate it even more if I fell for you, wouldn’t you?” “I see what you’re doing…” Those were leading questions. I saw a red flag in my head, and I refused to answer her, glaring instead. I was sending out the most hostile vibes I could summon, but they seemed to have the opposite effect. “You’re so cute. I’m already crushing on you.” She literally had a girlfriend. No wonder Mizuike was so insecure. She’d chosen the wrong woman to fall in love with. Then again, love isn’t a choice; it just happens. “It’s an occasion to celebrate. Let’s make the most of it.” “Celebrate what…?” “Us meeting one-on-one.” Of course she’d say that. But I wasn’t going to let her trick me into complying with anything she wanted. I just stared back at her like an exorcist glaring at an evil spirit. “We’re born in total solitude. Our existence is so tiny, and the world outside of us is so vast. That’s why throughout our lives we seek to connect with other people, to leave a little part of ourselves with them. Little by little, we strive to lessen that unbearable solitude. This is what everyone is trying to do, even those who appear to be powerful and lacking nothing.” Chitaira spoke weightily, like she was reciting a poem. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, the movement attracting my eyes. It was a simple, unaffected gesture, but for some reason it drew my attention to how well-formed her ears were. “What?” “It’s just something from a book I read recently. My impression was also that it’s just fancy words, but when said out loud, it does sound compelling, doesn’t it? That’s why it stuck in my mind.” “What…?” I almost laughed when she outright admitted it made no sense. But I couldn’t allow myself to laugh. I had to turn my heart to stone and surround myself with an impenetrable icy aura. It was a phrase I’d read somewhere, too, but it was mine now. “Letting down your guard invites mistakes” was another motto I’d learned from someone else. All right, I thought, I’m in control again. “Okay… I think I’ve decided.” Chitaira closed the menu and gestured to the server, who was busy carrying plates of something that looked like fried soba noodles with sauce to another table. The server deposited the noodles where they belonged and came over to our table without delay. Chitaira ordered some things I didn’t recognize, and the server left again. “Sorry, but I haven’t ordered yet.” “I hope you’ll forgive me, but I ordered for both of us. See what arrives and try it if you like.” “What if I don’t like it?” “More for me!” she said airily. My resolve was weakening. She was like a stealthy flood building up one drop at a time. Her tactics began with a show of generosity. That’s how she wormed her way into susceptible hearts. She was well-practiced at that, I could tell, but I could see through her. My heart was immune to her ways… Or at least, so I hoped. But did it really make sense for me to sit with her in the restaurant, insisting on going hungry just to make a point? A weak little voice in my head suggested that since there was no way I’d ever develop feelings for that woman, there was no danger in letting her buy me an expensive lunch. She’d paid for my stay at the hotel earlier, and the hotel breakfast, and I hadn’t objected back then. My reasoning was getting twisted. I was pretty sure Chitaira was trying the exact same strategy on me as she had on Mizuike, but it wasn’t going to work. Then again, what point was I even making by refusing free food? Wait, wasn’t that effectively…? No, I had to trust myself. “You already ordered, and I’d hate to see food going to waste.” “Fantastic! I promise you it’s going to be delicious.” On the surface, it was going the way she wanted, but she had no power over my mind. I still didn’t think she was a good person. She was pretty, though, and ever since meeting Mizuike I’d discovered I had a weakness for beauty. I should probably avoid looking at Chitaira as much as possible. “Do you eat here often?” “Only when I’m in the area.” Her house must’ve been somewhere far, then. The fact I’d never seen her just out and about would corroborate that guess. But something was bothering me… “Why does it feel like…?” I muttered. “Hmm?” I looked straight into her eyes. “This is only the second time we’ve met, but somehow, it feels like I’ve known you for a lot longer?” Maybe it was because she was acting so chummy right off the bat. It was one of her tricks to win people over. “Oh… You’re perceptive.” “What do you mean?” She made it sound like I’d hit on something, but she only smiled in response. Her eyes were still friendly, but there was a boundary there that I was not allowed to cross. Had I really met her before somewhere? No, impossible. Even if it was many years back, I’d have remembered her, for better or for worse. Definitely for worse. Chitaira wrapped her fingers around a teacup. “Well, Takasora, what would you like to do?” “What, in life?” “Today. If you don’t tell me, I’ll choose.” I couldn’t think of a single thing I wanted to do together with this woman. Why was I even in a restaurant with her? Suddenly, I thought about last evening. “Will you take me to a jeweler, to get me a ring?” I asked sarcastically. “Would you like one?” “I just said that because of yesterday.” “Ah, you saw Umi’s. I hope she likes it.” “She was staring at it all night long.” “Awww!” Chitaira gently clapped her hands in delight. “She said it cost five million yen.” “That’s what I told her. I paid five thousand, though.” “I knew it…” I was sure a ring without gemstones couldn’t be so expensive, but I would’ve given it fifty thousand yen, at least. “I had to lie about the price to Umi for the sake of her self-confidence.” “What?” “I wanted her to believe she’s worth a five-million-yen gift. Her self-esteem is so low.” I pictured Mizuike sitting with her arms around her knees on the floor in my room, just spacing out. Whenever she spent hours staring at her textbooks because she thought she was stupid, it looked like self-torture to me. She seemed so pure and innocent, oblivious to her own attractiveness. I had watched her so closely—not through my own choice—and seen how vulnerable she was. That vulnerability was one of the reasons I’d sunk so deep into the swamp of attraction for this girl with the watery name. “I’d be happy to buy her a really expensive ring, but it might put her in danger. That’s why I held off on that.” “Hmm…” Strangely, it didn’t sound like an excuse. Lying about something like that wouldn’t be in line with Chitaira’s personality. She wasn’t one to tell a lie in defense. Only on the attack—for fun. At least that’s how I read it. I absentmindedly reached for my teacup and nearly dropped it when it burned my fingers. Embarrassed, I picked it up more carefully, blew on the steaming surface, and took a little sip. It was jasmine tea. I drank a little, careful not to burn my tongue, and placed the teacup back on the table. “When you want to top up your tea, slightly open the lid of the teapot, like so…” “I never thought to do that…” While we were chatting, the server arrived with starters for two. Chitaira must have ordered lunch sets for us. I looked curiously at the food, trying to figure out which of the pricey sets she’d gone for, but I had no idea what those dishes were. The server did explain what was what, but she spoke so fast I could only make out about half of it. Some kind of mousse, something with shrimp, something with caramelized walnuts, and jellyfish something. I’d definitely never had any of those before. The only ingredient I recognized was chopped char siu pork, and even that took me a second. “Bon appétit!” Chitaira said politely. “Bon appétit,” I repeated in a gravelly voice. A stranger was treating me to strange foods that cost who-knows-how-much. I picked up the chopsticks, thinking that if Chitaira left without paying, I’d be broke. I wondered if the starters were meant to be eaten in a particular order. They were arranged in a circle. Trying not to be conspicuous, I observed what Chitaira went for first. When she picked up a shrimp from the center of her plate, I did the same. The shrimp had such vivid red and white stripes, I suspected the cook had used food coloring to achieve that effect. I carried the plump shrimp to my mouth and took a bite. The explosion of flavor spread across my whole tongue. “Ooh,” I said despite myself. It was that good. I looked at the starters with wonder. This was like a whole galaxy of new flavors. The shrimp was flavored with sweetened vinegar, which was a novel pairing for me. Every bite was incredible. The taste alone told me this was really expensive food. I wished there was more than one shrimp on my plate. Anyway, I moved on to the next thing—a walnut. It was hard and crunchy, light and sweet like candy. It wasn’t cloyingly sweet, but the sweetness lasted on the tongue. So good, I thought again. I shuddered to think I would have missed out on these if I’d stubbornly refused to let Chitaira treat me. So this was what money could buy. Every little starter had exquisite taste and went down smoothly, but the flavors stayed dancing on my tongue. There was nothing to dislike about any of it. I felt like if I kept eating them, they’d bleach me and dye me their own colors. Just like the woman sitting opposite me. Chitaira had put down her chopsticks and was simply watching me. “Takasora, dear,” she said in that velvety voice. It was hard not to smile back at her. She wrapped the solid sound of my name in a softness unlike anything I’d touched before. “What is it?” “Treating you is such a pleasure.” “What do you mean by that?” She didn’t reply, just watched me with affection. I could almost taste her smile with each bite of the food. That’s how it started. My one-of-a-kind summer with Shiho Chitaira. I almost believed I could find remnants of the flavors in my mouth if I checked carefully with the tip of my tongue. I was back in my room, and I’d already brushed my teeth. My thoughts kept circling around the events from that afternoon. After ascending the stairway to culinary heaven in that Chinese restaurant, Chitaira and I went to a bookstore. She wanted to buy a new book to read on the way home, and I agreed to keep her company. At the store, she recommended a few books to me, and I found it impossible to stop her from talking me into buying them. I told her I didn’t really read novels, but she just brushed off my objection. “Teach Umi how to read them someday.” What? You read books from right to left; what more was there to it? Nobody had taught me that, and I didn’t know how to teach it to someone else. And if I didn’t know how to teach it, did that mean I didn’t know how to really read, either? Anyway, I had three novels sitting next to me, all written by the same person. Kai-something. There was supposed to be a photo of the author on the back cover, but on every book, it was just a picture of a jellyfish. Maybe the writer was a fan. I’d eaten jellyfish for the first time that afternoon, and I had enjoyed the chewy texture. This beautiful woman in a kimono had bought me an expensive meal, and then we’d gone to check out books together, and the whole time I’d gotten to check her out, too. More than I wanted, really. Whenever our eyes met, she’d smile at me and want to talk to me. “Don’t be an idiot…” I had no right feeling fulfilled in any way, and I crushed that feeling viciously. The meetup hadn’t been something to enjoy. That wasn’t why I had gone out to see her. “What did I do that for, then…?” My head dropped forward like a wilting flower. I was in danger of forgetting the true reason behind my actions. I did hate that woman; I remembered that, at least. If I curled up, bringing my knees to my chin and holding on to my toes, I should be able to return to my state of mind from earlier. It wasn’t working—even in that position, I couldn’t get that voice out of my head, Chitaira calling my name. Her voice was so beautiful, I could fall in love with it. No, what the hell was I thinking?! Mizuike came into the room as casually as she always did, but when she sat down near me, she leaned forward as if she’d noticed something of concern. What could it be? She wouldn’t know I’d spent the afternoon with her girlfriend, but I felt a pang of anxiety all the same. “What?” “Um, nothing…” She looked away, evading my eyes. I didn’t believe bullshit about a sixth sense, so what else could it be? Nothing too obvious, or she wouldn’t have backed down… It was like she’d smelled guilt on me… Wait, smell? The floral perfume! I had to fight back the urge to sniff my clothes to check if that was it. But if I did, she’d know exactly what I was doing, and why… But I hadn’t done anything to feel guilty about, right? I started feeling really bad, as if I’d been cheating on Mizuike with her girlfriend. But I hadn’t actually done anything inappropriate. I rolled on the futon so that I’d face away from her, and then I discreetly sniffed the sleeve of my shirt. Was there a faint scent of flowers on it, or was my guilty conscience just making me imagine it? No, I wasn’t imagining it. Mizuike had definitely reacted to that. I’d have to be more careful in the future. No, hold on, I wasn’t going to meet up with Chitaira again. I’d made just that one exception because… Ah, right. It had been an act of rebellion. If Chitaira asked me out again, I’d just say no, and…and what would I gain by that? If I didn’t go to see her, she’d ask Mizuike out, and while they were together, I’d be going crazy from frustration at home. The depressing reality was waiting to welcome me back with open arms. Nothing was changing in my life because I was just idling through every day. The one time I’d desperately tried to break out of that cycle, I’d followed Mizuike out of town, met her bizarre lover, and gotten flat-out rejected. But at least I had taken matters into my own hands for a change. The consequences of that move were still playing out. Taking initiative always brought results, although they might not be what was intended. Being careful might look the same as being passive, but they were very different things. I had to think about what was feasible for me. Could I steal Mizuike back from the clutches of that woman? How? I had no plan, but I knew what I wanted. Except that the glimmer of hope was like a star twinkling in the sky. It was real, but out of reach. I’d have to scale back my ambitions, maybe. Just as an idea almost formed in my head, it fell apart again. It was terribly exasperating. Suddenly, I heard a message notification from my self-professed friend. Wasn’t it fun to meet up? Pfft. No. Don’t assume. Wouldn’t describe it as “fun.” But thanks for the meal. I decided to thank her, since that was the polite thing to do. I waited, staring at the phone, for a reply…which never came. Oh, come on, I thought. I might’ve been a little disappointed. Somehow, I’d been expecting her to write something back, since I’d bothered to reply. …I was being stupid. What did I care if she replied or not? I put the phone down, hiding it from Mizuike with my body. I was worried about her glimpsing my screen—she wouldn’t recognize Chitaira’s name anyway—but I somehow wanted to keep it out of sight. Only I knew Chitaira’s real name. My apathetic roommate, who was totally obsessed with her girlfriend, didn’t even know that. I caught myself sneering at her, and I shook my head to stop it. We’re in a really twisted situation, both of us, I told myself, trying to shut out more disturbing thoughts. In any case, if I ever went to see Chitaira again, I’d have to shower first thing after coming back. To get rid of any evidence. To keep my secret. …Why did it feel like I really was doing something wrong? When she suggested we go to a shrine, my first thought was that she was religious, but I was wrong. The top of the torii gate was visibly dirty, like it hadn’t been properly maintained for a while. The signboard, or whatever you called it, was rusty, too. Judging from how tall the trees growing on both sides of the path to the shrine building were, they were pretty old, and together with the neglected torii, they made this place seem ancient. The style was very different from Buddhist temples, so I didn’t really feel like I was in a sacred space. The sight of the leafy tree branches swaying in the breeze above me was strangely refreshing for my mind, though. “Pigeons are sacred animals to this shrine.” “Really? Oh, that’s why they’ve got these pigeon statues, huh?” Instead of the customary lion-dogs guarding the entrance to the shrine, they had guardian pigeons there, one on each side of the torii. There was another…signboard? Plaque? The writing on it was so badly weathered, I couldn’t read it. There was also something like one of those wooden tablets with notices from the shogun you saw in samurai movies, but again, the characters on it were too unclear to make out what it said. The stone lanterns farther back must’ve been repainted recently. They were a vivid red. “I hope you’re not bored, Takasora.” “…I’m fine…” Chitaira was next to me again. It was the first day I’d seen her in something other than a kimono. She wore a three-quarter-sleeve blouse and a watch on her slender left wrist, which immediately made me think she was a student. When had I come to associate that look with students, though? Chitaira had her hair down that day, falling in gentle waves, which tempered her beauty with cuteness. The blouse had slits on the sides, which swayed as Chitaira walked, somehow drawing my eyes. Let’s meet up. I don’t want to. I’d turned her down, and yet there we were, our shadows next to each other. I was probably making a mistake again. But if the “correct” alternative was sitting in my room doing nothing, then doing the wrong thing at least felt more like living. Had someone said something like that to me before? “You going somewhere?” “Yeah… Seeing some friends.” “Mm-kay.” “So anyway, I made lunch for you. It’s in the fridge.” “Wow, really?” It stuck in my mind how Mizuike had looked at me with her mouth agape, as if no one had ever made food just for her. She was in my room, reading a manga with intense focus, when I told her I was going out. I concentrated on not looking at her, talking to her from the doorway. What was up with that? I couldn’t bear to look at her, and it wasn’t because I’d get horny or anything. At the shrine, I started noticing pigeon motifs on everything—paper lanterns, stone lanterns, wooden prayer plaques. Maybe the deity this shrine had been built for was a pigeon. I imagined a pigeon god taking off into the sky, feathers drifting down. There were actual pigeons at the shrine, too, walking on the gravel. There were maybe a dozen, or two dozen of them, and they all looked perfectly at home. They didn’t flee when we walked by; in fact, they flocked to us. Chitaira seemed especially popular with the pigeons who followed her. Were even pigeons smitten with her beauty? Chitaira smiled at her pigeon followers and went straight to a stand selling pigeon food at fifty yen per bag. She bought two and handed one to me. I opened it to check what was inside—dry beans. Okay, I was wrong about the pigeons being in love with Chitaira. They just wanted food. The little store was also selling prayer plaques, amulets, and mochi rice cakes. The old lady behind the counter said “Thank you, as always” when Chitaira bought the pigeon food, so I guessed Chitaira visited the shrine often. “Thank you for waiting!” Chitaira said to the pigeons, dropping some dried beans on the ground. The pigeons flew over to her and jostled for the food as she looked on with a smile. Was it fun to feed pigeons? I looked at the beans inside my bag. The flock had completely surrounded us, so I had to be careful where I stepped. I picked up a handful of the food and scattered it on the ground. The pigeons started crowding at my feet, too, flapping their wings as they pushed each other out of the way. I could smell their feathers—or at least I thought that was what it was. Watching the birds gobbling up the food with such energy left me with less time to pursue my own dark thoughts. Did pigeons have a calming effect on humans…? Nah, there was nothing specifically about them that would do that, I concluded, glancing to the side…at Chitaira popping a dry bean into her mouth. “What…?” “Hmm, it doesn’t have much flavor.” I heard her crunching it. She sensed me looking and offered me a bean. “Try it.” “What? No…” I didn’t want to eat pigeon food. “Try it,” she insisted. She wasn’t giving up, so I reluctantly opened my mouth and let her place a dry bean on my tongue, like an offering. It was quite satisfyingly crunchy and tasted really dry. Kind of like eggshells, minus the unpleasant eggshell texture. “Doesn’t taste like much,” I said. “Right?” What was she grinning about? She was looking at me the same way she did at the pigeons. We were the only visitors at the shrine. It wasn’t local to me—this was pretty far by train. It was as if I had gone out of my way to see Chitaira. I’d thought about it grumpily while I was sitting on the train. I’d failed to memorize the way from the station to the shrine, so I wouldn’t be able to get back on my own. I’d have to follow Chitaira just like the pigeons did. Was I one of her flock now that she’d fed me? No. No, I wasn’t. Chitaira was still smiling at me. With me, she wore that peaceful smile at all times, but I bet she made a different face when she was alone with Mizuike at night. I started imagining it, but it made me uncomfortable, and I had to banish the thought. She was standing right there. “Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked her. “Oh, I was just admiring your hair. It looks so beautiful in the sun.” “…” It wasn’t the summer sun that burned my cheeks that time and forced me to look away. For a while, we just fed the pigeons in silence. It wasn’t that fun for me, but the rustling of wind in the trees overhead fixed my mood a bit. I had emptied the whole bag of pigeon food, but the pigeons were showing no sign of going away. “I’m trapped.” A tall man might have been able to step over the pigeons, but I couldn’t. “Just do this.” Chitaira threw a handful of beans far away from her, and the pigeons rushed over to get them. It reminded me of people flooding out of a train at rush hour. So that was the trick. I wanted to do the same, but I had no more beans to throw. Noticing me staring awkwardly at my empty bag, Chitaira gave me some of hers, and I did the same thing she had. I vaguely remembered throwing beans for the Setsubun celebration when I was in nursery school. Having escaped the pigeons, we went to sit on a Japanese-style bench, shaded by the shrine office. For reasons unknown, the pigeons didn’t follow us there. Maybe the gravel area was their turf, and they didn’t venture outside it. I ran my fingers along the bench, feeling the texture of the surface as I breathed in relief. The heat that had been burning my hair was sliding down my back, dissolving into pleasant warmth. “The pigeons have learned to recognize me.” “Looks like it.” That’s why they had come right over to us—they knew the human who fed them. “I love birds. I love watching them—and eating them.” That’s very like her, I thought, talking about eating something that she was fond of. Ugh, I didn’t want to know this woman, and I hated that I was discovering more and more about her personality. Chitaira was swinging her legs, her hands braced against the bench. She was looking up at the sky, which was perfectly empty, without a single bird in sight. “I think birds fly without understanding why it is that they can. It’s the most amazing thing about them.” “Why’s that amazing?” “Because they enjoy complete freedom.” That’s all she gave me in the way of an explanation. She must’ve gotten that line from some book. She kept doing and saying things just to throw me off. Suddenly, her hand fell on top of mine. I felt another pulse gently throbbing against my hand. Chitaira’s silky-smooth fingers stretched over mine and withdrew again in a caress, like waves licking the seashore. I couldn’t let her touch me when she wanted; I had to pull my hand out from under hers, but somehow, I couldn’t. I did the next best thing, which was to pretend I was completely unaware of what was happening. “I really like this place.” “Uh… Y-yeah?” I was struggling to respond like a normal person as thoughts and emotions bounced around inside me, looking for a way out. Chitaira’s hand touching mine was somehow enough to make my heart pound in my chest. A fierce heat assaulted my cheeks, and it wasn’t coming from the sun. Was it normal to do that with a friend? Not that we were friends. If Mizuike saw us, with Chitaira’s hand on mine, I’d be in big trouble. We should really avoid doing anything that might be easily misinterpreted. Like meeting in secret… Why the hell was I even here? Was that an act of freedom, meeting someone without understanding the reason behind it? It didn’t feel like freedom at all. The cicadas chirped, the pigeons cooed, and I was sitting there on the bench, feeling the warmth of Chitaira’s hand. Her hand was slightly bigger than mine, and although this may be a weird way to put it, it was like it was spooning mine. Unlike the relentless summer sunshine, the warmth radiating from Chitaira’s hand brought me nothing but pleasure. It was bizarre how I began to relax into that touch even though I hated her. And also how I felt like a different person when we were alone together. Was it a magic spell? Or a curse? She’d probably be capable of casting both. I was melting into that relaxing warmth of her touch, my eyelids feeling heavier and heavier. I realized I was falling asleep and jerked my head back up. “Are you sleepy?” I’d only begun to nod off for a fraction of a second, but nothing got past her. “Not really.” “No need to be embarrassed.” She was right. Normally, I’d stubbornly pretend she hadn’t seen through me, but her hand on top of mine was eroding my defenses, melting the icy walls around my heart. This invading warmth was at once soothing and terrifying. “It’s because…I had to get up early to do housework.” My mother was going out to work as usual, so I knew she’d get nothing done. The two freeloaders couldn’t be counted on, either. Since I was going out that day, I’d had no choice but get up earlier than usual and do what needed to be done. When I was doing the laundry, it had occurred to me it was as if I was making this extra effort for the sake of meeting Chitaira, and I’d gotten angry with myself. Thinking about it started to spoil my mood again. When I turned to shoot Chitaira a withering look, I was startled by sudden movement from her as she reached toward me. I shrank back, afraid she was going to hurt me, but what she did was put her arm around me and pull me over. My resistance crumbled like a sandcastle, and before I knew what was happening, Chitaira had me lying on the bench with my head resting in her lap. “This should be more comfortable.” She patted my lower back. I finally snapped out of it and tried to sit back up again, but Chitaira preempted that by putting her hand on my head, gently holding me down. She began to run her fingers through my hair. Her meandering fingertips were a gentle but irresistible restraint. A shiver ran down my spine, to the backs of my thighs. The chirping of cicadas didn’t stop for a moment. “You can stay like this as long as you like.” My cheek was sinking into Chitaira’s soft thighs, separated from me only by the fabric of her jeans. My face was getting unbearably hot. My nose, eyes, and mouth felt like they were disappearing as my head seemed to inflate like a ball, becoming perfectly spherical. “But…why…?” My voice was so weak, I wasn’t sure Chitaira would hear me over the cicadas. “You have so much on your shoulders, Takasora—you’re balancing school, housework, and even love.” She was playing with my hair, offering me cheap praise that could’ve come from anyone. And what did love have to do with anything? Anyone could’ve said those words to me, but no one else had. I’d gotten so used to my daily tasks, I did them without thinking. Having someone finally recognize my efforts was so rewarding, I thought my heart would burst. Chitaira must’ve known it’d have that effect on me; otherwise she wouldn’t have said it. That’s how she wormed her way into hearts. She was an alien. She was a demon. She didn’t have good intentions. She wasn’t being kind or supportive, but she did say the words I didn’t even know I’d been longing to hear. Wasn’t that an act of kindness? If it made me feel good, wasn’t that good enough? A little crack had opened in my heart. A little crack in a cistern is enough for what it holds to escape, drop by drop. I was no different from a certain other high school girl. “I don’t want this…,” I protested weakly. I understood what this woman was. A fantasy. Always kind, always beautiful, always caring, always saying what you most wanted to hear. A person like that couldn’t really exist, but there she was. She knew how to destroy you. Everything Mizuike had said about her was true. “When you’re with me, you can forget about everything else. About school, chores, your crush.” She was trying to manipulate me. “I’d like to also befriend the ordinary Takasora, who’s not being a superwoman.” Her words were like a spell reaching for my heart. I wanted to fight her back, but she kept extinguishing my will with the endless stream of gentle words. I closed my eyes; they felt hot and watery. Tears rolled down my cheeks. That woman was throwing her sweetness and compassion at me like dry beans at pigeons, for simple enjoyment, and yet it made me tear up. I profoundly hated myself for it. Despite myself, I was beginning to believe she might be a nice person. I was finding comfort in her warmth, breathing in her floral scent, and thinking I liked it. I felt fulfilled just by being close to this beautiful woman. I was turning into Mizuike, and it was driving me insane with despair. I regretted ever getting involved with this woman. I never should’ve followed Mizuike that night. An egg planted inside me broke open, and what hatched from it was trying to devour me from the inside. It was choking me, but I felt no pain. Only a sense of loss, slowly spilling through my entire body. Slowly, ever so slowly, I was letting death take me. “Remember, you can always talk to me about your worries. You’re a very dear friend to me, Takasora.” I had been starved for something as simple as human warmth. It stung me the most that this woman had uncovered my deepest need with such ease. She claimed to be a friend. Both she and Mizuike called me their friend. That wasn’t what I wanted to be to either of them, but friendship was the only thing they offered. They kept me like a pet animal, starving me to death by denying me the food I needed. I fell asleep crying. Tears seemed to keep welling up and rolling down my face forever. I never wanted anyone to see me crying, and yet here I was with my head in Chitaira’s lap, completely exposed and vulnerable, like a baby. The sound of torrential rain filled my ears, but I knew it wasn’t the kind of rain I could protect myself from with an umbrella. After coming back home, I chucked my clothes into the laundry hamper and showered. Long after I’d finished washing my body, I continued to sit in the bathroom with the shower on me. I felt like I was still crying, except my tears were coming not from my eyes, but from the showerhead. I needed more time to get a grip on myself. I dozed for a long time. Chitaira didn’t complain that she was bored, or that her legs were going to sleep under the weight of my head. She simply indulged me. “Do you want to sit up?” she’d asked in a motherly voice. I curled my back and murmured, “Uh-huh.” Not “yes” or even “yeah.” Why had I purred like a cat? It was distressing to think about that. I was losing the sense of the distance I should maintain. I raised my face so that the shower was hitting it directly, praying that I hadn’t washed all that mattered to me down the drain. But praying was useless. Every time I met that woman, I felt her changing something in my heart and in my life. She was an escape from the ordinary, happily pulling me into her world. It was all too easy to lose sight of what was real when I was next to her. To start believing that she could remove the stopper blocking any progress in my life. I saw the same light of hope that had dazzled Mizuike. The beguiling woman showed us distant mirages of paradise. She deceived us into thinking anything was possible.
Chapter 19
31 min read