“That sums it up.”
“Hm.”
I squinted at this so-called elf before me. Weren’t elves supposed to have a certain level of awareness of the dangers of a forest? I would’ve thought even a happy-go-lucky toddler wouldn’t blithely rush into my monster-infested woods.
Perhaps it was because she noticed my scrutiny, but Filia spoke up again, more words wandering from her pink lips. “I’m kind of a careless girl sometimes. But even that part of me is cute, don’t you think?”
“You sure call yourself cute a lot.” Cute on the outside, kinda conceited on the inside. “That’s beside the point, I guess. What matters is that you’re lost.”
“No, no. Lost is such a, ah, perilous word. I’ve never been lost in my life. I just…don’t know where I am in this specific forest.”
“That is what the word ‘lost’ means, yes.”
Filia hung her head low. “Ugh! So mean! Here I am, struggling to escape from my harsh reality, but you bring me crashing down into despair with your offhanded remarks? The humanity! The horror!”
What was with this lady? The words you use to describe reality don’t change reality. I didn’t understand a lick of what she wanted. This incomprehensible girl covered her chest with one hand and pointed accusingly at me with her other.
“To take such pleasure in plunging me into despair…is that your kink? You’ve scandalized me! The raw nerve!”
“Find your way out yourself, then.”
“I—oh goodness, I’m ever-so-sorry! Please forgive me, Mr. Forest Man, I’m begging you!” Filia bowed.
If someone else had happened upon us at that moment, I was sure I was the one who’d look like the bad guy. At least there was no one for miles and miles to lay eyes on our mess.
Still… I peered at Filia as she stood before me, bowing low. Were all elves this weird? Or no, were they all just full of themselves? To think just that morning I’d thought of elves as prancing pictures of perfection. How utterly disappointing. Then again, that sort of elf sounded stiff and uptight.
On the other hand, maybe the reason I was nursing this odd interest in Filia, the reason she’d instantly caught my attention, was because she wasn’t just the first person I’d met in a long time, she also felt…I don’t know, easy to talk to?
We connected with each other.
All right, then. My task? To lead Filia out of the forest. I could at least help her with that. And I’d be happy to, even! Just one itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny tiny problem…
“Okay, let’s do this. Maybe we can find the way out together.”
“Find the way out toge—excuse me? You just said ‘I’m not going to tell you the way’ all high and mighty and you didn’t know it to begin with? Are you serious?”
Ah, yeah, I’d said that earlier, huh? Oops.
“Sorry. No worries though, forget about it.”
“The barbarity! The cruelty! Trampling upon a maiden’s pure, innocent heart! There shall be consequences! Reparations!” Filia glared at me.
Buuuut she was pretty tiny, so it was like being menaced by a kitten.
“Cool. First, though, I think we gotta handle that.” I pointed behind Filia.
Filia followed my finger and there it was: a carnivorous plant-monster with writhing purple tentacles. The thing had crept up while we were talking; I hadn’t even sensed the little sneak till right then.
“Yeeeeaagh?!” Filia, once again letting out another very un-elven cry, immediately put distance between herself and the monster. Now she stood beside me, her body trembling at the sight of the writhing tentacles.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Filia moaned. “A…a tentacle monster? Gross, gross, grosssss! I’ve never seen anything so…squirming? Ohhh it’s so bad to see… Let’s get out of here as fast and far as possible! Please?”
I snorted. “C’mon, have you never eaten one of those tentacles? They’re delicious!”
Filia, who’d been slowly but surely backing away in retreat, stopped in her tracks. “Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
When you roasted the tentacles, they gave off a unique aroma. Just delicious eatin’. Even in this forest full of tasty monsters, you could really get addicted to these guys. I’d give it second place in tastiness. No, first. Argh, it’s so hard to decide!
Filia nodded slowly at first, then with more certitude. “Let’s fight it then, shall we? If we run away, I will bring shame to the name of elves.”
Filia-now was completely different from Filia-before. She looked ready to fight—calm and calculating, even.
Still, I stood in front of her. “It just so happens I’ve had a craving for this guy. Lemme handle it.”
Now that I thought about it, I hadn’t really eaten anything in a while. I was so hungry I felt like I was gonna die. Nah, I’d kill the monster quick and get it in my belly pronto. Meal solved, starvation avoided.
“Are you going to be okay? That monster seems pretty strong,” said Filia.
“Hm? Oh, yeah, sure, just leave it to me.” I turned behind me to where Filia stood. As I did, Filia’s expression changed from one of unease to straight-up panic, like she’d been cornered.
“Watch out! In front of you! Yuri, in front!”
“Yeah?”
I pivoted back around just as she said to and got a face-full of wind spell for my troubles. The monster’s sharp blades of air slammed into my body, kicking up clouds of dust.
“N-no!” Filia shouted, her voice trembling.
Maybe she thought I was dead? Understandable, I guess. No worries, though. With my well-trained leg muscles, I shot out of the dust cloud and landed right up close to the monster.
“Let’s go!”
I closed the distance with a lunge, spun, and delivered a light punch to the dumbstruck monster’s belly. The monster let out a pained cry and collapsed. Its tentacles wiggled and writhed for a bit, but it wasn’t long before they too went still.
“Whew…”
With the beastie taken care of, I dragged its corpse back to where Filia stood.
“Wh-what just happened?” For some reason, Filia’s silver eyes were wide open and her mouth hung agape. Something must have given her quite a shock.
“Ah, right, so, magic doesn’t really have an effect on me. Because of my training and all.”
That training was the reason why I could live alone in this monster-ific forest. At this point, my body was so toned that I hadn’t met any kind of magic that could so much as dent it. So, you know, spells didn’t really concern me. Fire magic, water magic, lightning magic, wind magic, or earth magic, you-name-the-magic, it all just poofed into nothin’ against my ripped bod. There was no advantage quite like it, especially in mortal combat. It was the foundation of my survival.
That’s muscles for you. Muscles are strong, and beautiful. Sacred. All things come down to muscle.
“Magic has little effect…? Because you’ve trained…? That sounds like…like complete nonsense…right?” Filia mumbled, seemingly astonished. Some weird elf stuff, I guess.
“Look, whatever, the point is, my rad muscles block magic. Facts are facts.”
Filia folded her arms. “That’s soooo unfair!”
“What’re you, a child?” I let out an involuntary laugh at her pettiness. “C’mon, let’s chow down before we leave the forest. You’re gonna eat too, right?”
“Hmph. I will accept your offer. I…suppose I’m eager to see what those tentacles might taste like. Yes, I’m excited to try!”
“Well, come on, then, let’s head on inside.”
And so the first visitor to my humble cottage in the deadly-as-heck forest was Filia, the weird and kinda spoiled elf.