“Congratulations! It’s a healthy baby boy.” I heard those words as the world came into view.
What in the world happened? I checked my surroundings in a bit of a panic.
There was surgical lighting above my head and green linoleum on the floor. A woman was wearing a surgical gown...
A hospital. And this must be in an operating room? So I was in a vegetative state, after all.
Is this the first time I’ve woken up since the accident? Why am I being lifted up? Any woman who can lift an adult man would have to be pretty strong, right? Wait... No...
In my mind, I pictured the worst-case scenario.
No way... Did I lose my arms and legs in the accident? That would reduce my body weight quite a bit, but... Hey! That hurts! Why is someone slapping my butt so hard? I’m going to kick their ass!
“Doctor, he isn’t making any noise!”
The woman who I guessed was a nurse (from her voice she sounded middle-aged) kept on slapping my butt.
Making happy noises while some old woman slaps my butt isn’t my kind of thing! Another woman beside her, who I guess was the doctor, gave instructions while watching me closely.
The hell? What the hell is this? At least give me a minute to figure out my situation!
Next, the doctor started slapping my butt.
Ah, this is a new experience... No, I need to keep calm. Real calm. Stay focused, stay focused. They were slapping my butt the whole time. I’ve figured it out... I’ve figured it out...
“Waah! Waah!” I screamed.
It was a conclusion so unscientific that I never could have reached it in that dreamy space. This was a tale so absurd that I thought it could only happen in stories.
Looks like I was reincarnated.
“Here, I’ll let you hold your baby.” The doctor placed me in the arms of a woman who I guessed was my mother.
Hey! Be gentle! Handle me like I’m a tiny newborn bird! Don’t squeeze me so hard. There’s no need! Wow... Can you believe her... Wait... Is this my mother?
She was an ordinary woman: not exceptionally beautiful, but not ugly either. Her expression seemed gentle somehow. That said, I was her child, and no woman on Earth would make a mean face while holding her own child.
Huh? Did she just make a troubled face? Oh, I see. She must be worried because I didn’t react in any way. I wonder what I should do. I don’t know how to act in this situation. I guess I’ll try smiling...
“Ga! Ga!”
Oh, she smiled! Mom smiled! All right, it seems I did the right thing. But what should I do now? I knew there was no point thinking about it; but mentally I was an adult, so I couldn’t help but think about things. Anyhow, my butt hurts and I’m tired from crying, so I think I’ll sleep for a while. Next time I wake up, I’ll try examining my surroundings in more detail...
✦ ✦ ✦
I suddenly awoke to the sound of a voice. It felt so warm and pleasant.
This is how it felt when I was in the dreamlike place. Oh, right! That was inside my mother’s stomach... That explains why it was so comfortable. That was a space just for me. Hm? I can still hear that voice.
When I opened my eyes, my mother was holding me and singing a song while smiling.
Is this... German? Her pronunciation wasn’t great, but I could understand it. It was a lullaby or something similar. I didn’t know if it was a song she knew already, or if it was something she’d learned for the sake of me being born. I couldn’t thank her, and I couldn’t clap my hands. For now, I guess I’ll just smile.
“Ga! ♪ Ga! ♪”
All right! She’s smiling as if she’s happy! See that? Mom’s making a happy face. For now, I guess I’ll make it a rule to laugh whenever something happens. A smiling face will be enough to get me through any situation! ...Probably!
After having listened to Mom’s singing long enough to feel sleepy, I heard a knock.
Hmm... Seems like we have our own room, I thought.
Putting a mother and her newborn baby in their own room had to be a considerable amount of work. Work meant money, so it seemed this was an environment where we weren’t too constrained financially. It wasn’t like money solved all of life’s problems, but it was better to have it than to not.
In that case, who is this old man? He’s suddenly touching me like he knows me, and it kind of hurts. Ouch. You’re hurting me, idiot. Don’t be so rough with a newborn baby. Look what you did! You made Mom angry. Hey... Don’t get so sad. How can you be in so much shock just because Mom got angry?
Based on the things they were saying, this seemed to be my father. He had visited earlier, but I guess I’d been sleeping.
Sorry, old man. I couldn’t do much else, and since he was holding me, I rubbed my face against his tie as an apology. Oh, he’s hugging me with such a happy look on his face. It hurts. It hurts. Mom, it hurts! Save me!
“Waah! Waah!!” I cried, sounding a little in pain.
My clumsy old man had made Mom angry again.
Look what you’ve done! Wow, I really don’t have much strength. In this body... I just have to cry a little and I’m tired again... I hope I can stay awake a little longer next time...
✦ ✦ ✦
After learning I was pregnant, I was constantly worried. Not about becoming a mother, but about whether I’d be able to give birth without complications. My body had never been well-suited to pregnancy.
If it had happened just 30 years earlier, I would have said it was impossible. However, it was no longer impossible with modern medical technology. I talked it over with my husband, Shuuichi, many times. Shuuichi had said he didn’t want children, and all he wanted was to be by my side. I was so happy that I cried, but still, I wanted the love between us to bear fruit.
After telling Shuuichi of my selfish desire, I received cutting-edge medical treatment, and a new life started developing inside me. I was so happy, I felt such love, and I couldn’t stop myself from rubbing my stomach as it grew larger with each passing day. Then came today: the day my child was finally born.
After enduring the pains of labor to give birth to Kouki, in that moment, I was filled with fear.
“Doctor, he isn’t making any noise!”
The nurse, Takigawa, was frantically slapping Kouki on the behind, but Kouki remained silent. Even I could feel the tension that struck the operating room.
“Doctor, please! Save my baby! Please, save Kouki!”
I wonder if she could hear me clearly? I doubt I was able to speak properly because of worry and my fear of losing Kouki. When the doctor held Kouki and began slapping his behind, he finally cried for the first time. I relaxed and felt my consciousness slipping away due to exhaustion, but I couldn’t let that happen until I’d held my child.
“Here, I’ll let you hold your baby.”
I held Kouki for the first time... and was gripped by fear.
Those weren’t the eyes of a child... Those eyes were like black, round holes. Those eyes were devoid of emotion; the eyes of someone inspecting an experimental subject.
I shivered and felt goosebumps forming on my skin. I was filled with an awful feeling that seemed to grip my very heart. Overcome by terror, I was about to throw Kouki away from myself.
“Ga! Ga!” Kouki laughed.
He laughed innocently as if recognizing me as his mother. I was relieved, but at the same time, I hated myself. Just a moment ago I had felt something unthinkable toward my child. He’d worked hard to be born and even now was striving to live, and yet I had felt disgust toward the child that I loved so much.
I smiled awkwardly, not knowing whether Kouki had felt it as he fell asleep in my arms. At that moment, I made a decision.
Even if the entire world rejects Kouki, I’ll always protect him.
As his mother, I decided that I would never allow this child to be unhappy.
I sang a song while holding the sleeping Kouki. It was a lullaby that I’d hastily memorized for the child’s sake. In my arms, Kouki’s breathing changed... It seemed he’d woken up. Perhaps my voice had been too loud? With that thought in my mind I examined his face.
“Ga! ♪ Ga! ♪”
He was laughing as if he wanted me to sing more. Even though there was no way a child who had only just been born could understand German... I put more of my heart into it and continued to sing.