“You want to know what I want?” Yu replied.
On the morning of the day school would resume, Rae and I went to the Royal Palace to see Yu. Applying for an audience with a prince came with a series of procedures, followed by a lengthy approval process. It really put into perspective how peculiar it was that we could just meet the princes normally at the Academy. We received a referral from Lilly, however, and because she mentioned we had a potential solution to Yu’s condition—that is to say, a way to make her male transformation perfect—our application was approved in no time at all. Officially, I was the one receiving the audience, and Rae was tagging along as an acting health professional of sorts.
Rae wanted to know whether Yu even wanted her problem solved at all. Rae had been able to learn some things by talking to Misha, but it was always better to hear something from the source rather than second-hand.
“This is not a matter of want, Master Yu.”
We had requested an audience with Yu alone so she could speak freely, but we were not granted that, perhaps because the issue affected the royal family as a whole. With us now to keep an eye on us was Salas, the chancellor.
He looked toward us and said, “It pains me to say this, but Master Yu must remain a prince. The matter has long since surpassed the question of what he wants himself.”
“We understand, Master Salas. Rae and I grasp the complexity of the issue present,” I said politely. The slightest action of royalty could have rippling consequences on the country. I felt bad for Rae, but as a noble, I had to sympathize with what Salas said. “However,” I continued, “if we don’t know how Yu himself feels on the matter, how are we to support him emotionally if and when he manages to fully become male?”
Salas was a capable nobleman, enough so to become chancellor. He would listen as long as what one had to say was logical and coherent.
“I see. So you want to know his true feelings not for the sake of determining which gender he should be, but whether further support is needed once he is properly made male?” Salas asked for confirmation.
“That is correct.”
He put his hand to his chin, thinking. He looked quite striking in that pose. His silver hair and red eyes, the same features Lilly had, paired well with his handsome face and had earned him many admirers among nobles and commoners alike. If someone like me—who was accustomed to beauty—found him objectively eye-catching, then commoner women would probably be absolutely smitten by him. It was a good thing Rae had no interest in men… What am I feeling relieved for? Goodness.
“I do see some merit to be had here, Master Yu,” Salas said, giving his permission.
“I’ll speak frankly then,” Yu said. “If it were possible…I would like to return to being a woman.”
“Master Yu…” Salas warned. His face creased with concern.
“There’s no need to worry yourself, Salas. Since there’s nothing that can be done about it, I’ll stay a man like you want. But I can’t change how I feel inside,” Yu said apologetically. “Once a month, when the moon becomes full, I’m able to return back to my true self. I’ve been able to narrowly maintain a balance between my body and soul thanks to that, but if I were to forever be stuck as a man, I’m not so sure I’d be able to hold myself together.” Her perfect, princely demeanor didn’t falter for a moment, but I had no doubt what she said was how she genuinely felt.
“What do you suggest he do then, you two?” Salas asked us.
“Does Rae have permission to speak?” I asked.
“She may. I am not a stickler for status, so long as one shows merit.”
“Thank you very much. If you please, Rae.”
“Thank you. The way I see it, Master Yu has two options.”
“Go on.” Salas leaned in, hopeful.
“The first is to continue with things the way they’ve been.”
“…But what would that achieve?”
“It would satisfy the royal court’s wish that Master Yu remain a prince, while also allowing her to be herself once a month.”
“And the second option?” prompted Salas, a bit disheartened.
“The second option is to have Master Yu embrace life as a girl.”
“…Have you not listened to a word I’ve said? That is not an—”
“Officially, we would have Master Yu disinherited.”
“…What is this nonsense you are suggesting?” Salas spluttered.
Rae remained firm. “It’s Master Yu’s obligation to play the part of heir that complicates things. If she were freed of that obligation, it wouldn’t matter what gender she was.”
“Are you suggesting the palace embarrass itself by revealing Master Yu’s secret?”
“Not at all. After she’s disinherited, the palace can announce she’s become ill and has to stay at a convent for care. She would live there with a number of attendants serving her. She wouldn’t be free to move about as she pleases, but her gender wouldn’t matter this way.”
“Do you have any idea what you’re saying?” Salas said sharply. Rae was clearly speaking out of line as a commoner, but even now she showed no sign of backing down.
Yu spoke up. “If we went through with that, would I spend the rest of my life confined to a convent?”
“Kind of, at least in the beginning. If you grow your hair out and put on some make-up, you’ll be able to go out passing as a high-ranked nun, I’m sure. Thankfully, your face is pretty feminine as it is already.”
Yu grinned wryly. While it wasn’t perfect, it seemed she liked the sound of things better than what she had now.
“…Rae, was it? What of all that talk of permanently making Master Yu a man?” Salas asked.
“As far as I know, such a thing isn’t possible,” Rae answered.
“…I allowed your audience with Master Yu because you claimed to have a solution for his condition, but this has only proven to be a waste of time.” Salas sagged his shoulders.
Rae didn’t relent. “Master Salas, do you not consider Master Yu being able to live as her true gender a good thing?”
“I do not. It is the will of the royal court that he remain a man.”
“Even though there are two other heirs?”
A bit sternly, Salas said, “Listen carefully, Rae Taylor. You may think disinheriting a member of the royal family is a trivial thing, but it is not. Disinheritance is a punishment reserved solely for the heaviest of crimes. We could not impose such a thing on Master Yu.”
“I’d say what you’re imposing on her already is far worse though,” Rae said. This was around the time I realized she was not entirely herself. I had never seen her fight so hard for someone else’s sake before.
“…You’ve overstepped your bounds. Claire is one thing, but a commoner like you has no right to criticize the court.”
“Master Yu has done no wrong; why must she suffer for Queen Riche’s actions?”
“This audience is over. Leave.”
“Master Salas!”
“…I appreciate it, Rae. But some things just can’t be changed,” Yu said with a weak smile. She seemed like she could disappear at any moment. After putting up with this farce for over a dozen years, she had given in. I saw nothing left we could do here.
“Rae, we’re leaving. Master Yu, Master Salas, thank you very much for your time.”
“You’d do well to assume this is the last time we meet to discuss this matter,” Salas said.
“…Duly noted,” I replied.
Rae seemed like she still had things she wanted to say, but I pulled her out of the room by force. It was raining when we stepped outside. We waited by the gate for our horse carriage to come.
I let out a frustrated sigh. “I can’t believe you, Rae…”
“What? Don’t tell me you’re fine with this outcome!” she said angrily. Gradually, the rain gained intensity.
“I am not. But as Master Yu said, some things just can’t be changed.”
“How can you say that? Weren’t you the one who said you didn’t want to use reality to escape your ideals? Was that all just for show?”
“…When did you grow so high and mighty that you could talk like that to me?”
“Status has nothing to do with this! If we can’t even save one person, then saving all commoners is just a pipe dream!”
“Rae!” I said sharply. She gasped, seeming to return to her senses.
“…I’m sorry.”
“Whatever has gotten into you? This isn’t like you at all.”
“Misaki was the same as Master Yu…” she said hesitantly. “She…or, well, he…was forced to live as the wrong gender.”
I was shocked. I recalled that Misaki was one of the people mentioned in the story of Rae’s first love.
“And just like Master Yu, no one around Misaki understood him and he was forced to live a lie… Until one day, he killed himself.”
I gasped. Rae kept her head cast down, so I could not see her expression. But I was sure she was crying.
She continued. “He didn’t die just because no one listened to what he wanted. He died because he couldn’t bear the fact that what he wanted bothered those around him so much.”
“That’s…terrible.” As someone who was born a woman and had never questioned my own gender, I could not even hope to imagine Misaki’s pain. I didn’t even know where I would start. But Rae was different, I’m sure. She must have tried in her own way to understand Misaki, to support him—only for him to still slip away. Misaki’s pain was great, I’m sure. But I couldn’t help but grieve the pain Rae must have felt even more.
“There was no easy fix for Misaki,” she said. “There was no Crosswise Curse we could simply cure. But with Master Yu, it’s different. We can actually help Master Yu, so why—”
“That’s enough. Come here.” I brought Rae into my arms. Her cheeks were wet, surely because of the rain…
“I still remember how Kosaki cried at his funeral, clinging to his casket.”
“I see.”
“But this world is so cruel… Misaki’s parents blamed Misaki himself for dying. They called him weak, said he was wrong to feel how he did.”
“I see.”
“I don’t want to ever let such a thing happen again. Once they’re gone, it’s too late.”
“I know.”
She seemed so weak, like a baby weeping. Hoping to soothe her somewhat, I continued to warm her cold body with my own.
At some point, the rain had reached an intensity where it drowned out our voices. The two of us held one another until the carriage came.
The rain did not stop that day.