“THE Solar Goddess’s crest…?”
Overcome by relief, Elias stifled his sobs as he cried in front of Aki until he finally calmed down and took a moment to process what she told him.
Aki explained what Johann told her about the Solar Goddess’s crest, and the contents of her explanation included details about both goddesses Elias knew nothing about. He felt like a miserable fool for blindly believing in the goddess and fighting to the death for her when he didn’t even know the whole story. It was starting to sound like he was a puppet on a string playing to her tune without ever being the wiser.
Ignorance was what caused the Solar Goddess’s power to run rampant with his emotions and put not only his friends, but the woman he wanted to protect above all else in horrible danger at his hands.
There was no undoing the past.
…The closer the person is to me, the more likely I am to hurt them… he concluded, thinking of Leo, Johann, Mina, Louis, and Aki.
They’re all irreplaceable friends who view me as Elias the man, not Elias the Hero.
Elias could only act like his real self around those select few friends and he vowed in his heart to protect them no matter the cost. They created the one space he felt comfortable in his own skin.
He wanted to repay them for sticking with him despite the constant dangers that accompanied the Hero on his journey.
What good that did. I just ended up being the one who hurt them the worst…
He shuddered to think what would’ve happened if Aki, Leo, and Johann hadn’t been there or if they had been unable to stop him.
I knew it. I’m not supposed to get close to anyone. Keeping people close will only drag them into the inescapable fate of the Hero. That’s only made truer now that I know I’m incapable of controlling the Solar Goddess’s power.
Elias drew the hard conclusion that the only way he could protect the ones he cared about was to keep them at a distance. …I should’ve never desired more… His heart was chilled by regret. It’s my fault for wanting friends I could joke around with. My fault for loving a woman as amazing and unobtainable as Aki.
I wasn’t supposed to have any desires. I’m not allowed to have free will.
The Hero belonged to the world and the Goddess—he was supposed to act like the puppet he was, and live and die for what the Goddess created him to do.
…I knew that from day one. It’s nothing new.
Since the day Elias was born as the Hero, he was taught not to want anything for himself; that his duty was to continue giving everything he had to the people.
He had lived that way for so long, he hadn’t realized he’d developed so many selfish desires. Since when did he start thinking he wanted to obtain his wants rather than just give up on everything?
And I was punished for it.
The Goddess punished him for becoming self-aware by using his own hands to thoroughly harm the irreplaceable people he had developed an unhero-like attachment to.
How can I redeem myself?
What must I do to stop from hurting others?
What can I do?
“Elias? Are you feeling all right…?” Aki frowned at his sudden silence. She leaned forward to get a better look at his face from the chair, which she had moved to after he sat up.
Elias smiled feebly in response and exhaled quietly.
If being around others means hurting them, I’d rather be alone forever. Isolation means they won’t be hurt…and neither will I.
Come to think of it, that’s how I’ve lived all along.
Since when did he start to fear solitude?
Elias brought his clenched fist to his heart.
If only I didn’t have a heart… Then I wouldn’t feel lonely, want to have friends, love anyone, or feel anything at all. Then I could be the perfect puppet that stays loyal to their calling.
After all, I’m an enigma. There’s no one else like me in the world.
Remembering how different he was crushed his fragile heart, and when it did, all the color seemed to suddenly seep out of the world around him. Everything he once saw in vivid detail seemed to instantly lose its luster.
Perhaps because he had thrown a wall up between himself and the rest of the world, everything around him dimmed to match his miserable state of mind.
I don’t belong anywhere. I’m not of this world. There’s no place for me in it.
Even the woman he loved looking at him with worried eyes did nothing to move his frozen heart. She seemed a world away.
This is how it should be… I was always meant to be disconnected. Now I won’t be lonely. After all, I have always been alone.
“…Aki, can I…ask you a favor?” Elias muttered, his voice sounding like a drop in a bucket.
“What is it?” Aki asked, anxiously leaning closer to hear him.
Maybe she realized how funny he was acting.
Elias heaved a heavy sigh, irritated by his inability to hide his emotions from her.
“…Right now I’m…I’m afraid of myself…” His voice trembled.
He wasn’t trembling because he was nervous over what he was about to tell Aki. His hands and voice trembled with anxiety just remembering how he lost control of himself and mercilessly drew his sword against his friends.
“…I’m convinced I will…hurt the people closest to me,” Elias continued, urged on by Aki’s silence. “The closer they are, the more danger I’ll put them in…”
He never wanted to go through that again. Leaving was the only option to protect his friends.
Elias directed a fleeting smile at Aki. “So I’ve concluded I should travel alone. It’s the only way I can protect the people I care about.”
“That’s not true!” Aki shook her head violently, needing to deny him with words and actions. “Things blew up in a bad way this time because no one knew anything about the Goddess’s power. It wasn’t your fault, Elias! It won’t happen aga—”
“We have no proof it won’t!” Elias shouted before she could finish. Aki’s shoulders trembled. He clasped his hand over his mouth, shocked he raised his voice. “…Sorry, Aki. I’m not mad at you…”
It was his first time raising his voice in anger, which was a clear sign he couldn’t keep his mask on in front of her.
Elias looked down at his hands to escape her needling gaze. “Nobody, myself included, can say it won’t happen again. I might turn on you and the others again…and next time, I just might kill someone…”
Aki listened to him, her eyes filling with unshed tears.
“I’m…frightened to death of that,” he shared, laying bare his heart and overflowing emotions. “Just thinking about that possibility is driving me crazy. I’d rather fight all alone than risk it…!” he exclaimed, silencing her unspoken objections.
Maybe she was about to offer him words of comfort. Or maybe she was going to deny what he had come to believe. Whatever she had to say, she shelved it and looked down at the comforter, her expression torn.
Elias took a breath and continued, “…I want to start by apologizing to everyone, even though I know that won’t be enough to make up for what I did. After that, I plan to go to the Dark Lord’s Castle alone.”
“You what…?” Aki stared at Elias, her cheeks taut. He met her gaze, wanting to get a read on her feelings.
“…The Dark Lord claims he wants a truce. I can handle him alone. There’s no reason to put everyone else in harm’s way. And if it comes to needing you to…help me…I want you to come for me.”
Aki neither accepted nor turned down his request. She merely listened with her eyes pressed shut, as if she was shutting out what he was saying. It seemed less like she was hesitant to answer and more like his proposal was too outrageous to process.
Maybe she had sensed that Elias was trying to draw a line in the sand between him and everyone around him.