“Oh, why, good afternoon, Saint Leia. What brings you here? Did you forget something?”
The dungeon warden looked surprised to see me, which was understandable, since I had been there only a short while ago.
“No, I haven’t forgotten anything. I’m here to visit someone being held here: Jill Westoria. Um…here’s a letter from Prince Eric.”
“I see, I see. A letter from His Highness. Very well. Wait just a moment, I’ll get everything ready.”
After reading the letter, the warden approved my visit.
I was more nervous than I thought I’d be. How should I even start the conversation?
“Step right this way, my lady. You have thirty minutes.”
“Thank you very much, sir.”
Once everything was ready for my visit, I descended into the dungeon. It was summertime, yet the air down here was chilly and damp.
I remember thinking last time how moldy it was down here. Just spending a fair amount of time in this place would really take a toll on the mind and body.
I walked for about a minute as these thoughts raced through my mind. Then I stopped. She had grown thinner, and her hair was wild and unkempt, but she was still my little sister, clear as day. Her girlish beauty had not faded.
“Hello again, Jill.”
“S-sister?”
Her eyes widened and she froze at the sight of me. Then she quickly came to her senses, approached me, and bowed deeply.
“I’m so sorry… Please find it in your heart to forgive me, Leia.”
“Huh?!”
For a moment, I doubted my ears. And my eyes as well. Jill—my little sister, Jill Westoria—the girl who had never once apologized to me, was groveling.
Is… Is she really Jill? Wait, of course she’s Jill. I know my own sister.
For a moment, I thought she wasn’t really my sister, but I knew she couldn’t be a fake, so that only made her behavior all the more shocking. I couldn’t believe that Jill would ever apologize to me.
“Leia, all this time, I thought that I was the victim. But after speaking with Prince Dale, I realized that my behavior had made you really sad.”
The words poured out of Jill in a torrent. I should have been happy to hear her say that, but a part of me still couldn’t believe it was happening. And I hated that part of myself, but the change was so sudden and so drastic, it wasn’t so easy for me to accept.
Had she been brainwashed?
No, there was no point in thinking like that. My sister, Jill, was giving me a heartfelt, remorseful apology. I needed to be a good older sister and accept it.
“But…my dear sister, I have just one question I wish to ask you. I’m pleased that you came to visit me, but would you mind answering my question first?”
“A question? Of course. I don’t mind.”
Jill had a question for me, and I still doubted her sincerity. We didn’t have much time, but I agreed to hear her out. It seemed that letting her lead the conversation would be best right now.
“Mother said that you cheated in the saint exams. Is that true? I realize I’m asking an impertinent question. But I want to hear the answer from your lips.”
I had never seen that look in her eyes before. Her clear, blue eyes were filled with determination. Like she had resigned herself to something.
I was shocked to learn that Catherine had told her that. Had Jill believed her lie and thought all this time that I had cheated to become a saint?
When I passed the saint exam, Jill had cried and said, “You’re so wicked, Sister!”
Thinking back, there was a hint of contempt in her gaze that day. Ever since, she told anybody who’d listen that I bragged about being a saint.
Catherine…you really did a number on Jill…
Of course, Jill had always been a nuisance, but it was possible that Catherine was the root cause of that too, whispering lies into Jill’s ear behind the scenes.
I looked Jill in the eye and said, “I didn’t cheat. I swear it, in God’s name.”
It was a ridiculous question to me, but to Jill, it wasn’t. She asked it knowing that my answer would change her entire outlook. It was a brave request for the truth—it meant that Jill finally doubted her mother’s words for the first time. I couldn’t take her bravery lightly.
So I answered her question in earnest.
“I always… The truth is, I always thought something was off… I mean…you were always…always so much more…more than me. Waaaah!”
At last, Jill burst into tears. She had felt conflicted for a while now, that much was clear. That Jill would repent was shocking enough already, but she had even matured enough to doubt her mother’s words. Destroying her former worldview must have been a terrifying undertaking for her.
“Is that all you wanted to ask me? Jill, tell me, did my answer satisfy you?”
“I understand now. I think…I may have made you very upset, Sister. And it was because I was miserable. Because you were always better than me at everything…”
“Stop that, it’s okay. I doubt I was a perfect sister either. And you’re right, I was very upset, but I don’t want to dwell on the past.”
It was clear now that Jill’s inferiority complex had played a hand in her behavior. We had such a long, messy history that, while I could accept her apology, it was impossible to forget the girl she used to be.
Honestly, I didn’t want to remember. That might make me awfully shallow for a saint, but the pain she put me through all those years had left deep scars.
“I understand completely,” Jill said. “I did so many horrible things to you, Sister. I know you will never love me again.”
“I’m sorry. I feel ashamed to call myself a saint. I wish I could say with confidence that I can come to love you, but the chasm between us just grew too deep and too wide.”
Truthfully, I didn’t want to say that. Jill had finally repented, and I wanted to forgive her. But I just couldn’t. Every time I saw Jill’s face, a barrage of awful flashbacks flooded my mind.
“But I’m still happy, Sister,” Jill said, smiling in relief. “I got to have a good talk with you, after all this time. I feel like I’m actually hearing you for the first time.”
I didn’t know if Jill was really going to change. I didn’t know if she would atone for her sins and grow as a person. But I really hoped that she would, and I wanted to believe in her. That was the most I could muster at the time.