-Jill’s Perspective-
THE PAST FOUR MONTHS since I arrived here had simply flown by. Every day, I reflected on my past deeds…and repented for the great harm I had wrought.
It feels strange saying so myself…but I truly am a dreadful woman.
Honestly, I still found myself to be a loathsome human being.
How had my personality grown so warped? I couldn’t even understand my own mind. Did I feel unworthy to stand beside my sister Leia, since she was so perfect? No, I was jealous of Leia—that much was clear. But how did I come to hate her so?
Prince Dale once said that my mother was to blame, but I now believed that the cause of my hate wasn’t so simple. Sometimes I thought that I should let myself be consumed in the flames of jealousy…but none of the answers I came up with seemed to strike me as true.
That was why I prayed to God. I prayed that he would forgive such a terrible sinner as myself.
I must pray to God again today.
I opened the door to the chapel and peered inside. There, I spotted a familiar silhouette.
A woman knelt in prayer, and her beautiful golden hair flowed behind her—my sister Leia. With her eyes closed and her hands clasped, she prayed with intensity.
The moment I saw her, my heart jumped in my chest.
I’d sent my sister letters regularly ever since I came to this convent, and she never wasted any time in replying.
She always told me: “Nothing makes me happier than seeing you face your sins and find the path that leads to your happiness. Stay on your own path.”
My sister’s words now echoed in my heart. I didn’t know why I had never listened to her before.
I would read her words over and over, carving them deep into my soul. Every day, I thought, I don’t want to worry my sister…so I must do my best here.
Her most recent letter said, “I’m going to come to the convent today to see you…”
That is why I was waiting here—for my sister.
I haven’t seen her since the day we said goodbye… Now I feel nervous.
I felt my heart pounding in my chest.
My sister finished praying and turned to look at me. The moment I saw the look on her face, I had a revelation.
I worshipped my sister so wholeheartedly… I wanted to be like her but believed I never could. That was the true source of the corruption in my soul.
“Jill…long time no see.”
“Y-yes…”
“Is something wrong?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“Good… Well, let’s have some tea.”
“All right.”
I nodded and followed my sister back to my room, where we had tea and a lively conversation. My sister felt kinder and closer to me than she did before.
Still, I’m surprised I found her praying, even at a time like this… She truly was made to be a saint.
“You really have changed, Jill. I was speaking with Sister Eleanor, and she told me you pray diligently every day.”
My sister took my hand and smiled at me. I felt bashful at the sight of her smile.
“Have I changed? I’m not sure. I still often feel that I am weak-willed.”
My sister giggled, “Oh, don’t be modest. Your self-awareness is ample proof that you’ve grown so much. You should believe in yourself.”
My sister’s words made my eyes burn hot with tears. I couldn’t believe my sister cared for me so deeply. She truly was a kind person. Yet I felt such hideous feelings toward her…
It truly does hurt, coming to terms with the wrong you’ve done…
Of course I couldn’t voice this thought out loud. But I could promise never to make the same mistake again, so that I could become more like the sister I idealized.
My sister and I spent some time chatting after that. But one thing was eating away at my thoughts: Why was Leia so pale?
Is something troubling her?
My sister rose to her feet and looked out the window. For some reason, her eyes seemed sad.
“Sister…is something wrong?”
“Huh?! Um, yes… Well, no, it’s nothing. Um… Am I acting strange?”
My sister looked startled for a moment, then she shook her head and regained her smile. But the smile didn’t reach her eyes.
“Well, um, I just noticed that you look depressed.” I blurted out.
“I see… You’ve got sharp eyes, Jill. I thought I was doing a good job hiding it.”
“So I was right. I wouldn’t have noticed a few months ago, but now I can tell when you’re feeling sad… After all, I was usually the cause of your sadness all those years,” I murmured, finishing with a self-deprecating chuckle.
My sister looked at me with wide eyes. Then, after a long pause, she looked deeply into my eyes. Her gaze was dead serious. I felt my spine straighten to attention.
“You see, I’m actually wrestling with a very difficult dilemma. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. That’s why I’m depressed…so depressed, I’m unable to hide it.”
“May I ask, what sort of dilemma?”
“Well…I’m sorry to worry you, but I can’t tell you what it is. It’s something I have to solve on my own.”
When my sister said this, I heard the evening bell ring outside. I knew what it meant.
My sister has to leave now…
With a lingering sense of loneliness, I started to walk my sister out of the convent. And when we arrived at the front gate, I couldn’t contain myself any longer.