I couldn’t let that happen... Maybe it was the right thing to do to reset the timeline and undo their contracts with me.
I remembered seeing Lou bouncing through the silver-white snow.
I remembered Miyu, happily curled up on the lesser dragon’s back among the fragrant wildflowers.
Was it the right thing to return them to those cute forms, before they got involved with me?
No... I can’t. I don’t want to forget them, and I don’t want them to forget me. The days we spent together are precious to me. I can’t just let them be erased! Please... It’s selfish of me to want, but please stay my Lou...
“Moon goddess, please don’t reset the timeline... I was happy enough! I was loved by my father and brother and grandmother, I met Lou, I had the adorable Miyu by my side, I had Asu take care of me, and I got engaged to Gillain.”
Tears spilled from my eyes.
“This time was a success, so, please, keep it this way! If you feel bad for me at all, then make everyone I left behind happy! They all contributed to overthrowing Maribelle and bringing peace to this world, so let them have a new family, a new contractor! I’ll take any divine punishment I have to, so please...!”
Make everyone I love happy...
Kilama sighed and shook her head. “You always look out for others first and disregard yourself. This must be why your magic is so gentle and pure, and how you can remain calm in our presence... How tragic.”
“Serephione, do you think Louda will be happy if he finds a new contractor? Do you think Gillain will remain unbroken without you? Do you think he can take a new partner after you died defending him? If you do, then you are a fool. Face the magic within you!” Magan furiously growled, baring his fangs.
The magic within me? Can I just try to sense it? I closed my eyes and focused on my heart...
I found Lou’s refreshing magic. It was a whirlpool of rage and sadness...and a blackness surrounding it...powerlessness?
Then Miyu’s flowery magic... The cheerful Miyu was wilting. Her floral scent was fading away...and she seemed disappointed in herself.
And Gillain’s bitter coffee... His magic was a storm of anger with no outlet. His pain stuck like a knife in my own heart. Despondency and bitterness toward the world were overtaking the quiet, sweet Gillain that only I knew...
“You and Louda are one and the same. You are connected in both body and soul. Louda could never form a new contract after watching you grow up and learning all your past feelings. Don’t underestimate his devotion to you. What you sensed just now is Louda’s despair.”
Back there, I hadn’t seen any choice but to jump between my brother and Gillain. I hadn’t meant to hurt everyone like this. What could I do to lighten their hearts?
Do I really have no option but to reset the timeline? Do they have no chance to live happily unless I never existed in the first place? That must be it... I’m already dead now, after all, so it would be the same in the end if I had never existed...
I guess I didn’t make it past the age of seventeen after all.
My life had been shorter this time than when I’d died at eighteen in my past life. My dream of making it to my marriage at nineteen had been unattainable after all. But I was okay to leave it as a dream...I was happy enough to have had the chance to dream of being Gillain’s wife.
In my dreams, I’d put on the white dress my grandmother had prepared for me countless times, and next to me was...
Gillain... I can’t hurt you and your wounded heart any more than I already have.
I raised my head and gave the goddess my request. “You may go ahead with the timeline reset. I pray that the third time is a success.”
“And...?”
“But I don’t want to be reincarnated again.”
“You mean...you would like to return to the other world...Earth?”
“I don’t know how the flow of time really works, but I don’t think I would still have loved ones left if I went back to Earth now. I just want to be a spirit that protects Gillain.”
“A spirit?” The goddess tilted her head.
“Oh, but maybe Asu would chase me away if I was like a ghost that haunted Gillain... I know...wind! I want to be a warm wind that always stays with Gillain!”
It was a great idea. I remembered multiple songs from my past life on Earth about people becoming winds after death and protecting their families and loved ones. I’d become a wind, part of the air, and stay with Gillain from the beginning to the end in his next life to keep him warm, so his eyes would never freeze over. I’d made a promise...I’d vowed to him that I wouldn’t let him be alone ever again.
“Wait! What about Louda?”
“It’s not that I love Gillain more than Lou...but I’m the only one who understands Gillain’s loneliness. The loneliness of fighting all by yourself with nobody to stand behind you...”
The shock of being betrayed by relatives, the heartlessness of having to kill or be killed, the gradual emotional clouding from having to kill innocent people for your country, and the wearing down of your soul from being feared as a murderer...these things made up the sad common point between me and Gillain that was loneliness.
In this life, I’d been happy and loved by my family. That reality would disappear, but I would take all that love I’d received and pass it on to Gillain...my beloved, twisted Gillain, who deep down wanted to love.
He was the only person who hadn’t betrayed me in my past life, and he’d loved me just as unconditionally in this life.
I wouldn’t let Gillain sink into that sea of loneliness again.
“Lou has Magan and the moon goddess... Please make him happy for me.” I managed a smile.
“Serephione...”
“Please, goddess! Oh, and I’d like to keep my memories if I can... It can’t hurt, since I can’t talk to anyone if I’m incorporeal...” I chuckled.
Magan suddenly lifted me with one leg and licked my face with his large tongue. I was crying again.
“Have mercy, goddess...” Magan pressed his forehead against mine. His magic, a bit harsher than Lou’s, flowed into me.
“Your heart must be so deeply wounded, to shed tears in the goddess’s garden, a space harmonized to prevent the soul from being disturbed... Goddess...” Kilama’s voice shook.
“You want to be a wind... Have you grown tired of being a person?” the goddess asked coolly, yet sympathetically. Have I? Maybe I have.