I didn’t intend to reciprocate a boy’s confession. Well, at the moment, I would have turned anyone down regardless of who it was. Still, it was a heavy decision.
In order to keep from being discovered by Touko, I waited a bit before I went down the path toward the student council room. I left the path partway and headed to that clearing, though I had never imagined that I would be summoned here myself. I already saw a shadow growing under the cover of the tree branches.
“Oh.” The boy quickly spotted me and walked over, swaying strangely due to his nerves.
“Hello.”
I didn’t know whether that was the right way to greet him, but I at least had to say something. The boy, who had been waiting, also returned an awkward “Hello.” I didn’t recognize his face from class. At least, I’m fairly sure I didn’t. He had a baby face and sloping shoulders, and limbs that were noticeably slender.
“I’m sorry for being late.”
“Oh, no. I just said after school and didn’t specify a time, so…at least, I don’t think I did, right?”
His voice almost seemed as though it would crack. Even though he was taller than me, his back and knees were bent so that it seemed like he was looking up at me. His letter had mentioned something along the lines of him admiring me. It was embarrassing that I already knew how he felt, since I now had to face someone who looked at me in that way.
“As for my response… First of all, I have to apologize.”
To start, I thought I should tell him the most important thing. The boy froze in his half-stooped stance, only his lips seeming to move as though they were rustling.
“Uh, yeah…um…okay.”
His voice dribbled out in short spurts, with nowhere left to go. Then he straightened his back and knees and put his hand on his hip, but his torso was still decidedly twisted.
“Uhh…I guess that’s all there is to say then.” The boy averted his eyes awkwardly. His ears turned red, revealing the blood and embarrassment circulating within him. The awkward silence lingering between us was the same as the atmosphere when a phone call has just been ended, but I felt that it would be rude for me to just say goodbye and leave him.
“Do you like someone else?” the boy asked cautiously.
A few days before, I would have been able to honestly answer yes.
“I’m not sure,” I admitted, which really was my current state of mind. I felt like I had fallen for a Touko that didn’t exist, but I also wouldn’t feel this conflicted if that were all there was to it, so I couldn’t find a place to let my heart settle.
“Does that mean you, like, have someone you’re interested in?”
“I think so.”
I didn’t know whether I really needed to reveal such things to a boy whom I had never spoken with before. Perhaps I just wanted to vent the worries that were plaguing me.
“Can I ask you something?” This time, I tried asking him a question. The boy’s shoulders stiffened as he nodded uncertainly. “So…you like me, um…the way I am now, right?”
“Yeah…yeah, I do.”
“Well, thank you.” I gave him a small bow.
“Oh, no, no…” The boy humbly ducked his head several times.
“So, what do you like about me?”
“Uh…” The boy’s face contorted. His arms flailed uncertainly in the air, as though he were drowning. “Is this…like, are you trying to torture me or something?”
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“No, it’s fine…” The boy flapped his hand from side to side. “I might as well tell you…it’s your face. That’s the number one reason, anyway…yeah. You have a nice face.”
I almost laughed at the boy as he nodded earnestly but only because it was exactly the same reason why I had first fallen for Touko. I wondered if everyone was like that. Even Yuzuki-senpai…and that girl I had met in elementary school.
In that case…
“Then, what if my face was a lie?”
“Huh?”
“Just humor me. What if the face that I had right now was a fake that I used to hide my past?”
If that were the case, what would he do? I couldn’t solve my problem internally, so I sought an external solution—from a classmate whose name and face I had only just learned.
I didn’t expect much from him. However, the boy appeared to seriously contemplate the question before replying. “It’s not like your past would cancel out who you are now… Although on the other hand, it’s not like your past would disappear because everything is good now. Still, it doesn’t seem like you’re tied to your past, so the way you are now is everything. If you’re beautiful now, I like you now. That’s all I can say about it.”
“………”
His answer had a lot more depth than I expected. As I accepted it, I felt its weight and almost had the urge to stare at it until it melted away. But the boy was clearly growing too uncomfortable to bear. He shifted back and forth unsteadily. “Well, you rejected me, though. Which is fine. Totally fine.”
I hesitated for a moment about what to say to the boy, who repeated himself emphatically as if to hide his embarrassment.
“Thank you,” I said at last, because he had answered me. Not because he had come to like me, though, I don’t think.
“No, I should be the one saying that. Sorry for calling you out here. Well, uh, see ya…”
With that, the boy left quickly, heading off into the woods. I wondered how he was planning to get home from there. Wouldn’t he get horrible bug bites from going through the dark, narrow gaps between the trees?
“I should be the one to say sor… Oh, never mind.” I decided that it was better this way.
The way you are now is everything…?
Left alone, I felt exposed, the wind brushing against my fingertips. I gently pressed the palms of my hands together.
My hands felt neither warm nor cold.