That might just be cowardice disguised as perceptiveness, but I did think it would be rude to stick my nose in their business. It was difficult to determine what was correct and which position to take.
If anything, someone like Manaka might actually have a better instinct for what to do in situations like these.
“Sayaka, sometimes you act like an upperclassman,” Touko remarked. So first she thought I was serious, and now she was saying I seemed older, too.
“Are you saying my way of thinking is outdated?”
“I’m saying you’re mature.”
Well, that’s not true, I thought, but I didn’t deny it out loud. I knew myself that I couldn’t deal with things as wisely as an adult. Then again, I couldn’t charge straight into things without thinking anymore, so I had stopped being a child to some extent… I suppose I was neither one nor the other, in a way.
Then again, maybe that was true of any high school student.
“Actually…I guess I might as well say it now.”
“What?”
“I was confessed to yesterday, too.”
When Touko told me that to my face, the edges of my vision turned white. At that moment, it was like Touko had just confessed to me, too. I could no longer move, as though my feet had been rooted firmly to the ground.
“Con…fessed?”
“Yeah.”
“By whom?” My voice almost cracked. My eyes were looking at Touko, but they saw nothing.
“Another person from our year. A boy I don’t think I’ve ever even talked to.”
“Oh…a…” A boy, I almost said. “A confession, I see.”
If I had blurted that out and she asked, What do you mean, “a boy?” I wouldn’t have been able to talk my way out of it, but I somehow caught myself in time. By that time, I started to feel calmer. My legs also started to regain their functionality.
“So when you had something to do… Right, I suppose that is something to do.”
Still, I was a bit upset. As I ruminated over the meaningless words that came out of my mouth, I thought about what I needed to prioritize. First, I had to know whether the confession was a success.
“Did you accept?” I worried that I seemed more worried than curious, but I had to ask.
Touko continued to face forward as she answered, “I turned him down. I hope he’s not too hurt by it.”
“I see.”
That’s good, I almost said.
“I really hope so, too,” I ended up mumbling, as though it had anything to do with me. My ears started to feel hot, and I turned my eyes away.
For a while, I walked while still avoiding her eyes. Touko didn’t try to say anything, either. I wondered if it was best to let the conversation die without saying any more on the matter. It would probably be awkward to keep grilling her about it…but I was sure that if I dropped the subject, it would keep weighing on my mind when I got back home to my room that day, and I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything.
“How did it feel—getting confessed to?” Though I hesitated, unsure whether that was something I should ask, my mouth practically moved on its own.
“Like he must not have very good taste.” The edge of Touko’s mouth lifted crookedly with her self-derision.
“Now, that’s not even remotely true.”
“Oh, that’s a vehement objection.” Touko’s eyes widened as though she were slightly surprised. I was taken aback at myself too, since I had objected on reflex. Still, I couldn’t bear the thought of Touko being that ignorant of her own value.
“Touko, you’re beautiful,” I told her frankly, though I honestly didn’t know if the circumstances gave me a reasonable excuse to say it. It was as though the intensity of the topic had put me on edge, too.
Touko combed her fingers through her hair and then held out her hand to me as though she were offering something. “You are, too, Sayaka.”
“Huh?”
Considering the mood of the conversation, I did feel like there was a chance she might reply like that, but I hadn’t actually expected her to be so straightforward about it. I felt as though my body might freeze up again.
“Is that so shocking?”
“It’s just…not many people have ever said that to me.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
I think. Though I was used to people telling me that I was exceptional and things like that.
“Well…they really must not have good taste, then.”
She repeated her words from earlier. There was nothing more I wanted than for Touko to like me, and I didn’t want to think that her compliments were lies. Even Yuzuki-senpai from junior high had probably been drawn to me by my looks at first.
I wanted to preserve some self-confidence, though I felt like I would lose it the longer I stood next to Touko.
“Beautiful, huh?”
“Quite.” The confirmation eased my embarrassment slightly. “But…I think I’m a step or two behind in terms of beauty,” Touko remarked lightly, still trying to deny it. But I was curious about what exactly she meant.
“Who are you comparing yourself to?” Surely, she didn’t mean me. As though Touko had only just realized what she’d said, she shifted her gaze away.
“Oh, no one…” Touko’s reply was short and firm. It was like a hard rock bouncing off the ground. Her voice was cold, as though she would reject anyone trying to touch on the subject. “It’s nothing.”
She started walking faster, leaving her words behind her. Her bleak attempt to cover things up hung in the air and oxidized in a moment’s breath.
I continued to stay a step behind Touko as I let all of that brush past my cheek.
…It definitely couldn’t have been nothing. Someone who was a step or two more beautiful than Touko…I couldn’t even imagine it, but I felt like I wanted to meet them at least once.
Putting that aside…
There were so many things I couldn’t see, that Nanami Touko wouldn’t let me see—her weaknesses, her ugliness, her cowardice, her inferiority complex, her jealousy, her trauma, her real self, her public face, her hatred, her timidity, self-denial, her biases, her disposition, her hostility, her spitefulness, and all the many other dark things hidden inside her.
Certainly, if I caught a glimpse of all those things, there was a chance that my straightforward feelings for her would be torn to shreds. I didn’t know whether that was really something I wanted to find out about or get involved in.
But still…
For the time being, I would keep on walking, following behind her.