“You’re talking me up way too much. I’m not as put together as you think.”
“Well, okay, if you insist… But if you’ve got something on your mind, you can always tell me. I’m…y’know, here for you.” I was very up-front. I knew trying to beat around the bush would get me nowhere with Haruka.
“…All right, fine,” she said. “Mind hearing me out, then?”
“Of course not.”
She’d taken the bait.
“Even I feel like I’m overthinking things. But, well…”
“Yeah?”
She hesitated, and her voice broke as she tried to find the right words. It was kind of nice to see this side of her for a change. “So remember when we were all at your place a week ago?”
“Yeah.”
“I feel like I realized something. I’m really lucky. Like, I’m so, so blessed.”
“Blessed,” huh? That’s true. You’re definitely blessed in a number of ways. But…
“Hadn’t you already realized that?” I asked. “Way before last week, I mean.”
Wasn’t that the whole reason she’d decided to dedicate herself to the sword? Aren’t you the person you are because you decided not to waste your talents—to work harder than anyone else?
“Yeah. I had. But I feel like I didn’t really get it, you know?”
“What do you mean?”
“The things I thought were hard or painful turned out to be kind of silly compared to the stuff other people have gone through. I guess I feel spoiled.”
Haruka was avoiding going into detail, but I had a feeling I understood what she was getting at. She must feel privileged compared to the rest of us.
Jupiter had spent her life alone. Albi had lost her memory (or at least, that’s what we’d told Haruka). And my sister and I had lost our parents in an accident years ago.
Haruka probably felt that, because of her privileged and mostly carefree life, she didn’t deserve to be around people who had experienced real struggles. Or at least, that’s what I assumed.
Haruka Aono was such a kind person—and completely misguided.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Haruka, but that’s incorrect!” I said, like the host of a quiz show shooting down a wrong answer. It was time to set the radiant star straight. “None of us are quite as miserable as you think. And you’ve gone through quite a bit yourself.”
“But…”
“‘But’ nothing. Listen—this isn’t a competition. There’s no such thing as ‘more’ or ‘less’ unfortunate.”
Let’s say Mr. A caught some contagious disease, while Ms. B got into a traffic accident. Let me ask you: Which one of them is more unfortunate? The only correct answer is this: “Shut the hell up, dumbass.”
If someone tried to total up the hospital bills or something and declared, “Yep, so-and-so is definitely more unfortunate,” I’d gladly slug that person in the face. It wasn’t anyone’s place to arbitrarily judge the depth of someone else’s struggles, to measure their trauma.
“Listen, Haruka. The pain you’ve felt and the scars you bear belong to you and no one else. There’s no need for you to compare them to anyone else’s. There’s nothing wrong with feeling hurt.”
“…I’m not so sure.”
“Think about it. If all of us had to follow some stupid BS rule that we weren’t allowed to complain just ’cause some other person had it worse, then there’d only ever be a single person in the whole world allowed to feel bad about their lot in life. Do you think it makes sense for everyone else to just grin and bear their suffering ’cause they’re better off than the most miserable person in existence? C’mon now.”
Just because people in some less fortunate country far away are suffering from hunger, does that mean I’m too blessed to hope for a better life?
If I get picked on in school, but there’s another kid who puts up with worse, should I have to bear it, too?
What if I lost my beloved partner in an accident, but my neighbor lost their whole family? Can I not grieve, just because they have it worse?
“Screw that kind of world.”
No good can come from spending all your time worrying about everyone else’s pain and ignoring your own. Pain is a sign from your body that you’re in danger, and I have absolutely zero interest in becoming a saint who grits their teeth and ignores their body’s pain signals just because someone else has it worse.
“There’s no reason for you to feel guilty or obliged to us just because we’ve had some hard times, you know.”
“…I guess.” The radiant star tilted her delicate neck to one side. I could tell I was on the right track. Just one more push.
“And another thing—whenever you’re feeling suffocated at home, you can come to our place. Just tell your parents we need to discuss our next dungeon crawl or something. I’m sure they won’t mind.”
“You sure?”
“Of course. We’ve got more rooms than we know what to do with. Plus, I’m sure it’d make Jupiter happy to have you around. My sister wouldn’t mind at all, and the same probably goes for Albi.” I turned my villainous face up to stare at the moon. “And I’d be happy to have you over, too, of course.”
Hoot, hoot. An owl cried out somewhere in the darkness.
…Oh boy. As soon as I said that, I realized how embarrassing it was. It totally sounds like I’m trying to invite her over.
“Uh, hold on, Haruka. I didn’t mean that. Well, I did mean it. But I didn’t mean, well… I didn’t mean it in any weird way, you know?”
I waved my hands around, trying to convince her that, despite my jerk face, I wasn’t trying to flirt with her like some kind of pickup artist.
The radiant star stared silently at my buffoonish antics. Then her face got really red, and she fell silent.
“Uh, Haruka?”
“Oh! Sorry! Totally listening! I just… The warm air got to my head. I was kind of spacing out. Yep, don’t worry! And I totally understand what you mean. Sorry about being weird!”
“R-right…”
It’s already June, isn’t it? Maybe we shouldn’t be out taking in the heat for so long, even if it is nighttime.
“Sorry, Haruka. I should have noticed it was getting hot out. And now your face is all red. My bad.”
“Huh? Is my face red?”
“Yeah. You look like a boiled octopus. It might be the first sign of heatstroke…”
“S-stroke what now?! Who’s hot?!”
“Uh, Haruka?” Why does she seem so surprised? Heatstroke is no joke, and it can affect any of us. “You feeling all right?”