ONSCREEN, I was blathering away:
Tonight, we’ve invited legislators in their twenties and early thirties to speak with us here at the studio about their roles, representing a generation of young people who have lost faith in elections and the political system at large. Tonight’s theme: “What would you do if you were Prime Minister?” These public statements will shape the future of our political climate for decades to come. Now then, let’s take a look at their answers…
On the count of three, my prerecorded self held up a flipboard for the camera to see. On it were the same trite, uninspired policies you’ve heard hundreds of times—raise childcare subsidies for each additional child, incentivize IT venture companies to move to rural areas, set the retirement age to 70, blah blah blah.
“Uggghhh, this is so boring,” I complained. Now that I was safely away from the studio, I could finally say it out loud. “There’s no innovation here—no hook. It’s just a matter of time before these people either vanish or start some kind of scandal for the journos to have a field day.”
“Enlighten me, Kunieda-sensei. What would you do if you were Prime Minister?” Ushio asked me as he sat next to me on the bed, watching the recording with me.
“I would make it illegal to refer to any adult woman as a ‘girl.’”
“What…?”
“I’m saying this current trend of referring to grown women as ‘girls’ is freaking creepy! Imagine if we addressed adult men as ‘boys’—it’s demeaning as hell. Not only that, but now we have a whole show called ‘Lady Girls’ on TV? It’s senseless! How old are they supposed to be? If you want to be ‘ladies,’ then act like it! Make up your mind!”
“What about phrases like ‘girls’ night out’?”
“Call it ‘harpies’ night’ or something.”
“And that’s what you would do if you were the most powerful man in the country?”
“Yep.”
“Wow.” Ushio stared at me with a smile I could only describe as tepid. “Don’t quit your day job. They might actually vote for you, and that scares me.”
“Not interested in politics.” It’s way more fun to talk out of my ass, obviously.
“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to be PM either. If I were you, though…” He smirked. “I’d change careers and be a clown.”
“What the hell for?”
“Because you’re so good at it. What about you? What would you do if you were me?”
“Quit my job and be a house-husband,” I replied without missing a beat. “If I were you, I’d get on my hands and knees and worship me for deigning to date someone as lowly as you.”
“Oh yeah? What else?”
“I’d cook three meals a day, keep the bed tidy, prepare a heated towel after every bath, give massages at bedtime, do wake-up calls in the morning…”
“Right, right. So you want me to hold your hand and kiss you and stroke your hair and pat your back until you fall asleep? And cuddle with you on lazy Sunday mornings?”
“Yeah, exactly—what?! No!” I shot back on reflex, like a total comedian.
Ushio snorted. “If you want me to start doing these things, don’t be passive-aggressive. Just use your words and ask me to show you a little extra love.”
“I don’t need extra love, thank you very much!”
Ushio patted me on the cheek and his skin felt cool against mine…which meant my face was burning up.
“And for the record,” he said, “I’m pretty sure I’m already doing at least half of those things.”
“Liar! I mean…I don’t care!”
“Yes, yes, whatever you say. Okay, how about this…” He took the remote from my hands and turned off the TV.
“Hey!”
“To make it up to you, we can do a little brothel play tonight.”
Do prostitutes normally take your clothes off for you, or is that an extra charge?
“What’s your kink again? Me telling you I love you?”
“Go to hell!” But I didn’t tell him to stop.
Grinning, Ushio planted a kiss on my lips.