“Doo-do-do-doo! Congratulations! You’ve been granted the privilege of being reincarnated in another world! This is an extremely rare opportunity. So rare, in fact, that it’s like winning the lottery! That’s right, you just hit the jackpot! Are you happy? You must be happy! All right, I’ve decided that you’re happy, so let’s get this show on the road! Party poppers, at the ready!”
“Huh?”
The young girl appeared out of nowhere. She had blond hair and wore a simple tunic. Her excessively upbeat entrance was accompanied by the equally sudden appearance of a massive crowd of similarly blond-haired, tunic-donning ladies that stretched for as far as the eye could see. Spreading from each of their backs was a pair of white wings. In their hands, they each held a gadget that resembled a slightly larger version of those confetti poppers used at parties. They also seemed to share the same look of discontent. Nevertheless, moving in perfect unison, the endless ranks of ladies all brought their poppers before their chests.
“Fire!”
At the young girl’s command, they pulled the cords. An uncountably vast number of party poppers roared all at once, creating a deafening rumble that shook the very ground they stood on. The overwhelming display sent Renya Kunugi reeling and he fell on his behind.
“Discard poppers! Band members, take out your instruments! Clappers and chorus members, at the ready!”
Despite the deep scowls on the ladies’ faces, the young girl continued to issue orders with undiminished enthusiasm. Half of the countless winged blondes brought out various musical instruments from nowhere in particular and readied them. Half of the remaining ladies got ready to clap, while the other half clasped their hands before their chest and prepared to sing. Alarms went off inside Renya’s head.
This is not good…
The poppers that had just gone off were loud enough. This time, it was an orchestra, complete with chorus and clapping. If they all sounded at once, ruptured eardrums would be the least of Renya’s concerns; it might just blow the sanity straight out of his head. Therefore, he decided that he had to do something to stop that from happening, and he had to do it now.
“A Song of Celebration, on my mark! Ready… and… GAH!”
From his position on the ground, Renya shot to his feet and dashed toward the orchestra’s conductor. Without the slightest hint of mercy or hesitation, he took aim at the cheerful young girl who seemed to be having the time of her life and threw all his weight behind a front kick. The girl, not expecting to be attacked, took his kick right in the face and was forced to perform an elaborate sequence of backflips through the air.
Then, hindsight struck. It occurred to Renya that the countless ladies who surrounded him on all sides were obeying the girl’s orders. In other words, it could be said that the girl was their commander, and they were her troops. Surely, they would not stand idly by after he just attacked their commander. He looked around him, but found that not a single one of them budged. He wondered if these were perhaps the kind of people who could not move unless ordered to, but soon dismissed the idea after seeing a number of them grin and give him the thumbs up. Some even quietly waved their hands at him. The ladies were, apparently, very reluctant followers.
“Wh-What was that for?!”
The girl, who was sprawled on the ground after her tumble, got up on her feet and loudly protested her treatment. During her previously supine position, her clothes had been left in a state of significant disarray. Her choice of dress — a tunic — meant that a number of things, none of which were publicly decent, had been in full view from where Renya stood. He was, however, in no mood to mention that.
“To shut you up! Your party poppers were already loud enough! What did you think was going to happen if you got this many people to sing and play all at the same time? Are you trying to blow out my eardrums?!”
“So you decided to kick a little girl in the face?!”
“I’m against age discrimination!”
“But I’m a girl!”
“Gender equality, then!”
Renya thrust his chest out confidently, which precipitated a round of hushed murmurs and the odd bout of applause.
“Did I just hear applause?!” cried the girl incredulously. She glared angrily at the mob of ladies. As if on cue, they all averted their gazes in a distinctly “wasn’t me” fashion. Squaring her shoulders, the young girl turned to face Renya, who was watching their back-and-forth with a baffled look.
“Ugh… Maybe I picked the wrong person,” said the girl.
“What are you talking about? And where is this place, even?” asked Renya as he looked around. There was nothing but winged people as far as he could see. Turning his gaze upward, he found not a blue sky, but rather an empty space glowing faintly of white light that stretched endlessly into the distance.
“This is the land of God!” announced the girl proudly as she puffed out her poorly-endowed chest.
“Uh huh,” replied Renya flatly.
“Renya Kunugi, you have passed away!”
“Sure.”
“And what a way to go! At the age of 94, you have truly lived long and prospered! Great job with the whole dying peacefully thing and all! Nothing beats good health and wellbeing, does it?”
Despite the certainty of her tone, Renya did not believe a word of what she said. If she was telling the truth, that would mean he had already lived through a whole 94 years of life, and at the end of which had died not through accident or disease, but purely of old age. He had absolutely no recollection of this.
“Of course, it’s a pain to deal with wrinkly old grandpas, so I just reinitialized all your settings in that regard and set your mental state to around eighteen years old.”
In a most casual manner, the girl proceeded to divulge more details. Renya felt a flash of anger at what he heard.
“Hey, you…”
“I mean, you could argue there’s some “gap moe” trope about a loli-shota-looking kid who talks like an old geezer, but honestly, it’s just plain creepy. Like, seriously, just stop daydreaming about loli grandmas and shota grandpas.”
“Hey, cut it out!”
Realizing that it would be a bad idea to let the girl ramble on, Renya tried to cut her off. However, the girl paid him no mind.
“But I digress. Let us leave the topic of niche fetishes in the proverbial trash can for now.”
“Then why’d you even bring it up in the first place?”
Renya’s quip fell on deaf ears.
“All right, back on topic. As I was saying, you have been granted the privilege of being reincarnated in another world.”
“No thanks.”
The girl had barely finished speaking before Renya butted in with his answer. The girl froze, seemingly at a loss for words. Paying her no heed, Renya continued.
“I’m not really interested. It also sounds like a lot of trouble. Plus, it’s so obvious that all these over-the-top theatrical shenanigans are smoke and mirrors and you’re trying to hide something.”
“I-I have not the slightest idea what you’re talking about!”
With the girl clearly flustered, as evidenced by her wavering voice and shifty eyes, Renya went in for the finishing blow.
“You told me I lived long and prospered, right? In that case, I clearly died with no regrets. I guess I can’t say for sure since I don’t remember, but I assume all that’s left is getting shipped off to either Heaven or Hell and having all my memories erased, right? I’d rather not go to Hell, though.”
“Th-That’s right! If you say no, then you’ll get sent to Hell!” said the girl with the most obvious I-came-up-with-that-just-now look on her face.
“What am I guilty of, then?” asked Renya.
“Guilty of?! U-Um, well, you know… Uh, murder! That’s right! You’re guilty of murder!”
“That’s strange. I seem to recall being told I passed away peacefully after a nice, long life. Did I die without ever being caught for my crime?”
The girl’s expression stiffened. Her cheeks trembled a little.
“Um… You died in prison!”
“Wow, I must have committed a crime pretty late in life, then. Or maybe I killed a whole lot of people? Still, to think that I just sat in prison until I finally got too old and croaked… Must have been quite the body count in the end. How many was it?”
“Erm… O-Oh, it’s that! Um, you know! All men sustain their own lives by taking the lives of other creatures! In other words, you have sinned!”
“So, you’re telling me there is no Heaven? That the whole world is but Hell eternal? Man, religious people are going to lose their minds.”
“W-Well, there’s always vegetarianism…”
“Ah, I take it you’re one of those people who think the concept of ‘life’ doesn’t apply to plants, then? Or perhaps you believe some lives are worth more than others? Whales are smart, so it’s wrong to eat them, but cows and pigs are A-okay. A dolphin can be your friend, but never a chicken. Is that the kind of person you are?”
Even as Renya rattled off question after question, he knew that his verbal offensive was on shaky ground. While it seemed like he had the momentum, he realized that if his opponent truly had any intention of retaliating, she could easily just ignore his rambling and force the issue. To someone like her, the value of a life probably rounded to zero.
“I’m so sorry. If you’ll give me a chance to apologize, I’ll start over and explain properly, so please listen to what I have to say.”
If the girl was aware of Renya’s concerns, she did not show it, because she proceeded to drop to her knees and humbly prostrate herself before him. There was another stir in the crowd, more noticeable than before, followed by a round of applause.
“Damn it, people! Why do you always clap whenever something bad happens to me?!”
Leaping to her feet, she glowered at the ladies surrounding her, but found no one willing to meet her gaze. With her teeth bared, she continued to throw menacing glances at her followers until Renya got her attention with a quick cough.
“I’ll listen,” said Renya, “provided that you give me a proper explanation. Whether or not I actually go along with your plan, though, is still up in the air.”
“Hnnngh, fine. Firstly, I am that which you people refer to as God. The concept, the being, whatever. It’s me. Next would be these perverted ladies standing all around you. They’re what you would normally call ‘angels.’ They’re perverts, by the way. Did I mention that? Yes? Good.”
Her comment prompted a round of booing. She silenced it with a glare.