“God, that was the worst deal I’ve ever taken,” I said to myself.
Things went south starting from my first year with her. I stopped chasing bandits around and instead began a glaring contest with the enemy nation of Villendorf. I took a mere twenty citizens under my command to protect one of the forts by the border. That was all I was supposed to do. But that year, a war broke out.
We had kept peace with them for the past two decades, but Villendorf suddenly launched an attack on our land. Needless to say, I was forced to fight in the battle. Princess Anastasia led her corps and mobilized the troops of her advisor, Duke Astarte. They had a total force of 550 people against Villendorf’s thousand as the fight began. I was sent to the front line under the command of Her Highness, where I desperately fought for my life. I didn’t want to die a virgin.
Why did God send me to this crazy world? The ratio of men to women was a whopping one to nine, and I absolutely hated it. The vitriol that I felt was indescribable. It was then that I became hard. My metallic chastity belt suffocated my erection.
“My dick hurts.”
My survival instincts kicked in. I don’t wanna die. I don’t wanna die a virgin. I was a virgin back on Earth too. That was all I was. I don’t wanna die a virgin here. I unsheathed the magical greatsword that had been passed down by my ancestors and kicked the sides of my steed, Flugel.
“I, Faust von Polidoro, challenge those who wish to test their luck! Fight me if you dare!”
Killing the first person was easy. It seemed no one expected a man—a man who wasn’t a prostitute—on a battlefield. Many froze in astonishment as they heard my voice, and I used that opportunity to behead the person nearest me. I expertly rode Flugel straight for the enemy knight captain, who was surrounded by dozens of knights.
I couldn’t stop myself from voicing obscenities. “I’m erect!”
Amid the din and chaos of the war zone, I was still left with a predicament. My dick hurts. I killed the second knight and then a third as I shouted at the enemy.
“Knight captain of Villendorf, I challenge you to a duel!” I roared.
But my enemies declined my confrontation as a fourth knight hurled a spear at me. I used my greatsword to slice off the tip of the spear and slashed at the knight’s torso. My magical greatsword could slice through chain mail like it was butter. Ugh, my dick hurts.
Despite my woes, five more knights chased after me. Did they determine that they could only beat me through numbers? Or did they want to restrain me and keep me as their sex slave? Probably the latter. I had no intention of becoming one. I welcomed harems with open arms, but to be sexually assaulted by unhygienic people who likely carried diseases of all kinds would probably end in a grisly death, and that wasn’t how I wanted to go. I used my free hand to send a signal.
The crossbows were fired. I had my archers stand at the ready, and a volley of arrows struck the five knights dressed in chain mail. My fief possessed five expensive crossbows; the church nagged at me to stop using the weapons, but I didn’t care. I had the right to use the tools at my disposal, and nothing was more important than the lives of my citizens. As my crotch cried out in pain, I arrived in front of the enemy knight captain, and I raised my greatsword in the air.
“Knight captain of Villendorf, I challenge you to a duel!” I bellowed.
“Male hero, I’ve got a name!” the knight captain yelled back. “My name is Reckenbell!”
My challenge was duly accepted. I was sure of it as I silently lowered my greatsword.
“Then let us begin our battle, Lady Reckenbell!” I shouted.
“Very well!” Reckenbell said. “But you must promise me this first!”
“And what would that be?”
She took a deep breath before she shouted at the top of her lungs. “Should I emerge victorious, you will be my second husband! What do you say?”
Villendorf had their unique values, fitting for their barbaric nature. Strong men were valuable in their land, unlike in Anhalt. In the kingdom I was in, the popular taste seemed to trend toward wimpy, almost creepy men. Damn, I should’ve been born in Villendorf.
“I accept that offer,” I said. “Should you win, I shall be your husband, or whatever you wish for me to become!”
Maybe I should just lose. I can’t imagine she would treat me all that poorly. Since she’s not wearing a helmet, I can see her well. She’s a bit older than me, but she’s pretty. I can’t see her body because of her armor, but I’m sure she’s got a real rack under there.
“But I can’t lose,” I muttered under my breath.
My shoulders were heavy with various responsibilities. I may have been a man born into this world from Earth, but I was my mother’s only child. As Sir Polidoro, the lord of the Polidoro fief, I was in charge of nearly three hundred residents. That may not have been much, but I wasn’t going to let them wander in poverty because of my selfish actions. You’ll die here, Reckenbell.
I raised my greatsword diagonally in front of me and headed straight for the knight captain. Needless to say, I emerged victorious from the duel—or else I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale.
✦ ✦ ✦
“I screwed up,” I said.
I never should’ve become Princess Valiele’s advisor. I clearly misread that situation. As I walked out of the room where Queen Liesenlotte and her daughters were and made my way through the courtyard, I pondered on the result of my actions. My future was clear as day—I would ultimately be sent out to handle a few bandits this year as part of my military service. I gazed at the well-trimmed garden as I breathed in the faint floral scent of the colorful petals. I’ve gotta nut once. The image of Queen Liesenlotte, dressed in only a thin veil, remained seared into my mind, and I decided to envision her body as I jacked off. My mind was filled only with the eagerness to return to my lodging so that I could relieve my little guy downstairs. It was then that I noticed some people drinking tea at an outdoor table. The servants weren’t quite maids—perhaps they would be called page boys—and they possessed slender, delicate frames.
“Is that man Sir Polidoro?” one man asked. “He looks so muscular and hideous.”
“He looks just like a savage,” another insulted me. “Perhaps his predecessor, Lady Polidoro, was unable to birth a child and picked up an abandoned orphan from the streets of Villendorf.”
Seems like my alone time has to wait. I was insulted, and by extension, my entire fief was as well. My mother, ancestors, citizens, and even my land had been disparaged by these puny worms. A loud sound rang through my head as though my temple had been clocked by a piece of metal. At once, I felt compelled to beat these idiots to the ground. I stepped out of the walkway and toward the garden as I headed to break the noses of these foolish, brainless men who repulsed me to no end.