“Where should we get ingredients?” asked Kiryu, glancing at my empty fridge.
“They’ll be arriving shortly,” replied Renge. I, meanwhile, was resolving myself to give up and prepare for the worst. I’ve been through worse predicaments than this without dying plenty of times! I’ll be just fine this time too. I think. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully. As I was sinking into those tragic depths of resignation, though, I felt a presence on the other side of my door. A person—a man, most likely, and one with a fairly large build, best as I could tell.
This is weird. My instincts for that sort of thing had dulled significantly since I returned to this world. I was virtually never able to sense people with that sort of clarity, and let’s not forget that I was still in pretty terrible shape. And yet, somehow, I could feel the mystery man beyond the door grab its knob as clearly as if I were doing it myself.
Then he cracked the door open. I knew that Renge had locked it behind her, but it clicked open without the slightest resistance. Just like I knew I’d met the mystery man before, somewhere. But just as that premonition flashed through my mind, he spoke up in a deep, booming voice.
“What’s this? Oh me, oh my!”
“What?!”
“And who might you be?”
Kiryu and Renge immediately went on guard, and I was barely an instant behind them. Actually, “an instant” might even be overselling it. I remembered that voice, and I remembered the greasy face that peeked through the crack. Of course I did—I’d only just met him recently.
“Wh-Why’re you here?!”
“You know this person, Kunugi-kun?” questioned Kiryu.
“I have to say, he strikes me as rather...disagreeable,” added Renge.
He pushed the door all the way open, and I was ever so slightly relieved to find that he was at least clothed this time. The buttons on his dress shirt looked as though they might pop off at any moment, and his slacks resembled a pair of ham shanks, but he was actually wearing rather formal attire, more or less. Unfortunately, he was also absolutely dripping with sweat. He stepped into the room and looked right at me.
“It’s been quite some time, Kunughi Koh.”
For a moment I was struck speechless, but I finally replied, “Wouldn’t have minded if it’d been even longer. Like, say, forever. And who invited you in? I can feel my security deposit draining away with every step you take, so get the hell outta here!”
“Oh, just look at you, flanked by a pair of lovely ladies! I must say, I’m ever so jealous!” Even the way he spoke was somehow slimy. It hit me that I’d never heard him really talk, before that moment. Even more impactful was the horrifying realization that he somehow actually knew about me.
“So, what, did you break out of prison?”
“Oh, perish the thought! They never caught me in the first place.”
“Prison...?” interjected Kiryu. “Kunugi-kun, how exactly do you know this person?”
“Kiryu, Renge, watch out for that guy! He’s a genuine, real-life criminal degenerate!”
“So he’s one of your friends after all?”
“I’m not a degenerate!” I have to admit, I was a bit impressed that Kiryu had the guts to crack a joke under that sort of circumstance. It really wasn’t funny, but she almost certainly wasn’t as aware as I was of how deep his degeneracy ran, so I let it slide.
The obese, besuited man standing before me—in other words, the perverted old man who once chased Ayase Hikari around town stark naked (real name: unknown)—was smiling amiably, but there was an unpleasant, revolting quality to that expression. He slowly plodded towards me.
“I’m afraid I must ask that you not take a single step closer!” declared Renge.
“Well, isn’t your chest just out of this world, little missy! You have the body of a supermodel, really!”
“Ugh!”
Ugh. There could hardly be a more fitting word to express the disgust the man prompted. He loomed, licking his chops like a hyena closing in on a wounded wildebeest, and Renge quickly stepped away from him.
“Oh, and of course we have another well-endowed lady to think about as well... But I suppose I should finish what I came here for, first.”
“You’re not finishing anything, and I won’t let you lay a finger on either of them!” I shouted.
“Oh my, no need to be so frightened! I just came to pay you a visit, that’s all. See? I even brought a get-well gift!” The man had been holding something behind his back, and he finally produced it. It was a fruit—a round, frighteningly spiky one.
“I-Is that a...?”
“A durian...?” Renge finished my sentence for me. I knew about those things. You might think they’re something like overgrown chestnuts at first glance, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is that they’re a stunningly lethal ordinance. Indeed: the durian, the so-called king of fruits, is nothing more or less than a fruit-shaped projectile weapon.
“That’s right! A durian! Geh heh heh, I thought that I might pound it into Koh-san’s skull as a little bit of payback for the time he kicked me in the gut as hard as he could, but then I had a better idea...” The man sneered. It was a different sort of grin than the sleazy, lascivious one he’d worn just a moment before—this one was malicious. He grasped the durian with both hands.
“No—you wouldn’t!”
“Time to explore a whole new world!”
He mercilessly, ruthlessly crushed the durian with his bare hands. The fruit’s most potent and unique trait dominated the room in an instant: its terrible, overwhelming stench. Kiryu and Renge retched in unison.
“Oh me, oh my, I just love those expressions, girls! Seeing you overwhelmed by stank is absolutely exhilarating! Incidentally, I happen to be one of those people whose sweat just reeks, and it’s the strangest thing—the smell of the durian cancels the smell of my sweat right out! Fancy that!”
“What kind of messed-up way to deodorize is that?! And it’s not canceling your stench out; it’s overwhelming it with an even worse one!”
“Oh my, I see you weren’t hit especially hard by it at all. At least it was super effective on the ladies, I suppose.” He wasn’t exaggerating. Kiryu and Renge were both hunched down, noses plugged. The smell was so overwhelming it was literally bringing tears to their eyes.