Do my feelings…of lust toward him mean that…I want him to…make love to me?
“Ahhh!”
“M-Miss Monica?!”
“I-It’s nothing. It’s nothing. Um…um…that’s right! I’m just embarrassed about something I did! That’s all!”
It was the only thing I could think of to gloss over my unconscious shriek.
I-I-I want Richard to m-make l-love to me…?! Unbelievable of me to f-feel such a desire for him wh-when he doesn’t feel those things at all! A-And even if he did, I’m the Arousing Priestess for goodness sake. How utterly shameless of me.
In my mind flashed memories of the women in the imperial court as well as the young noblewoman from a while back. It felt like being splashed with ice-cold water. The recollections cooled the dizzying emotions rioting inside me.
I looked down at my free hand. Short nails, plain, and roughened from years of hard work.
Richard is the emperor’s brother. He’s a prince. He isn’t someone to direct my wayward lusts at… I wouldn’t trouble him with my carnal passions. I should just channel those sensations elsewhere. That was all I had to do. But much to my surprise, the idea depressed me.
“Miss Monica…what’s wrong?” After clapping at the acrobatic performance, Richard looked down at me again with a smile.
“Don’t…stare at me so,” I pouted.
“Why? I can’t help myself when you’re so charming.”
I saw myself reflected in his beautiful flame-colored eyes behind the fake glasses. Stop it. Don’t look at me with those gentle eyes. Or else I’ll misunderstand. I’ll want things I shouldn’t. I’m the Arousing Priestess. My body’s been broken for much too long now. Having these lustful desires even when I haven’t used my powers. You make me blush just by existing. Keep this up and I’ll be drowning in these shameless, embarrassing emotions…!
The crowd dispersed when the show ended. As we followed the flow of people to the canal, Richard questioned me.
“You seem upset about something. Did the performance bore you?”
“No, it’s not that… I just lost myself in thought staring at your profile, Richard.”
He stared at me, stunned. Of course he would be! How else was he supposed to react when I said such odd things!
I let go of his hand and half ran to the railing separating the canal from the road. It was actually a river used as a canal. Today, its banks were cluttered with old men drinking and being merry because of the festival.
I squeezed the railing tightly with my hands, clinging to it. While staring at the water’s surface, I expressed my thoughts to him. I saw his face reflected in the water.
“I-I’m sorry… I know I told you a little about it some time ago, but…lately, um…my heats have been happening even when I don’t use my powers. Something’s wrong with me, I know it.” Heat. Just saying the word out loud embarrassed me, and my voice dropped to a whisper. “The strangest thoughts immediately enter my mind, you see… I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me.”
“Miss Monica.” Richard stared at me intently, his expression serious. “Tell me something… Do you react like that to other people as well?”
“Oh, no, not at all. Only when I’m with you, Richard. I don’t know how to explain it, but it feels like lassitude takes me over. In a good way though. I also just feel safe with you, so I suppose that could be it…”
“I see.”
“I’m… I’m sorry. For seeing you in such a light even though you’re…you’re the emperor’s brother.”
The look on his face was indescribable. His expression was usually incredibly frightening or flippant and smiling. Now, it seemed like he didn’t know what to feel or how to react.
“Then…here’s another question,” he began slowly. “Do you hate having these ‘strange’ thoughts because of me?”
“Huh?” I didn’t expect this line of questioning.
“Miss Monica, does it disgust you or make you feel bad in any way to think such thoughts about me?”
“Oh… Ummmmmm… No. It actually makes me relieved to know that…that you’re the only one I respond to like this. So…if it’s you…I feel as if…I don’t mind…”
I wouldn’t hate it at all if I slipped up with him because it was him. Besides, I doubted anything would happen anyway since he didn’t have a libido.
I suddenly caught sight of the bride and groom standing on the bridge. They were holding hands and they looked so happy. My chest tightened painfully. Even though Richard and I had held hands too, the two of us were worlds apart from them.
“If His Highness tried to kiss you, would you blow him away or not?”
Darius’s words rang in my ears.
I…
“Miss Monica.” Richard’s voice tugged me back to reality. He was staring down at me with a soft smile. It was different from his usual sunny one. This one was gentle, calm. “Let me make this clear. You can think of me however you want, and I wouldn’t mind at all.”
“No. Impossible. I mean, you’re the imper— Mpf!”
He pushed a stick of candy against my lips. When had he even gotten his hands on it? They must have been passing it out during the street performance earlier.
“Don’t say it. If you did, it would be quite tactless of you, hm?” Looking a little sad, Richard tilted his head thoughtfully. “I’d be more than happy to go back to the Mr. Redhead you knew if that would make you feel more at ease, Miss Monica. You know I have no problem abandoning both of our countries either.”
“That would be…shockingly audacious, don’t you think?”
The only thing I could do in response to the scale of his suggestion was shrug helplessly. I didn’t know if he was serious or joking. The vexing man gave me no clues either as he merely smiled cryptically at me, his gaze never wavering from mine.
“Unfortunately, I can’t protect you completely as Mr. Redhead. Which is why I’m using my position and authority as the imperial prince. You’re the only reason.”
“Sounds like an abuse of power to me…” I remarked.
“And I’m just fine with that. After all, if I do my job too earnestly, I might end up interfering with my brother’s work. I certainly wouldn’t like that, and I doubt he would either.” Richard continued while twirling the lollipop idly in his fingers. “But…should you want to abandon it all and run away, I’d like nothing more than to go with you and start our lives over from scratch as simply Monica and Richard. Let me know if you ever feel that way and I’ll come running, eh?”
“So, dereliction of duty comes after abuse of power, hm?”
“If you wish it, I’ll do whatever is necessary. No matter how unjust, wrong, or painful.”
What could I say to that?
“Clearly, you still don’t understand even after I’ve said all that,” he said.
“What don’t I understand?”
“The fact that I adore you.”
“But…I know that?”
I wasn’t sure how to react. Even though he wasn’t the kind of person to feel sexual desire, my stupid mind wouldn’t stop confusing his expressions of affection with my depraved ones.
“Your adoration is different from my lust, right?” I asked.
“Does it have to be? And does it really matter?”
“Huh?”
“No one can separate their emotions into simple categories, whether affection, desire, or love. Even my brother and sister-in-law are tangled up in so many versions of love between them. So there’s no need to separate desire from love, because it ultimately doesn’t matter.” Richard leaned against the railing with a gentle smile. “If two people love each other and that love makes them want to touch each other, then does their bond really need to be defined beyond that? At least…that’s what I think.”
As he spoke, he stroked my hand with his fingers, silently telling me what he wanted. When I let him slip his hand into mine and interlace our fingers, he smiled happily, his eyes lowered in delight. His expression made me blush.