“I thought I was fine—that I was going to be all right,” Yui said. “At that time, it’d been a few years since their divorce, and I’d hardly ever had nightmares anymore. I also rarely recalled bad memories when I was just going about my daily life. I thought I was stronger, so I’d be fine...” I thought I’d be able to overcome it... she thought. She hugged Filiel to try and push down the crawling feeling deep in her chest, then continued. “And what do you think he said? ‘I thought I didn’t have a use for you, but I guess you aren’t a failure after all.’” Yui scoffed. “I was only ever a tool for him. But that’s all right. I’ve always known that.” She had known it—she wouldn’t feel hurt over something like that after so long. Something else had saddened and hurt her the most. “The real problem was that I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t get angry at his selfish words, or talk back. I just stood there, trembling in fear, and I couldn’t think about anything except running away.” As she remembered how cowardly she had been, her tone grew harsher.
“That’s why you withdrew from your match?” Filiel asked.
“I thought that was my only choice. I was scared that if I got good results in the tournament and he thought that I had value, he would bring me back to that house.”
Attention from the army wasn’t the only thing top finishers in the tournament earned. With her power, even as a Liefe, families could want her to marry their sons. Yui’s father was the type of man to unhesitatingly use her as a tool and force her into a political marriage to create connections with other noble families. Layce had only been Sherina’s fiancé back then, so as a stranger, he wouldn’t have been able to intervene. Of course, being Layce, he would’ve easily brushed that aside and dealt with the issue, but Yui hadn’t realized that at the time. She just hadn’t wanted to go back. She hadn’t wanted to see her father again. The only thought in her mind had been how to get away.
“That’s why I can’t marry you, El,” Yui said. “When he learns that he’s got a connection to the royal family, he’ll definitely show up and try to take advantage of it. And even if he doesn’t, there’ll be more times where we might see each other, like at parties or at the palace.” Layce had taken care to make sure she didn’t have to attend parties or other noble social gatherings, but if she married a member of the royal family, there was no way she’d be able to selfishly refuse to go just because she didn’t want to see her father. “Papa’s there for me, so I know I’ll be okay...but I’m scared. I don’t want to see him...” She vomited out all her thoughts in a shaky voice.
Even if her father tried to assert his parental rights after all this time, Layce was already her legal guardian. No matter what he claimed, Layce would eat someone like Arthur for breakfast, and he’d probably make it so her father would never speak that nonsense again. There was nothing for Yui to be afraid of, but the fear that had been instilled in her at an early age was not so simple to overcome.
She insisted on taking over the bakery because she didn’t want to stand out. If she entered the army, the guild, or the church, her father might see her as having some utility, and she wanted to avoid that. She didn’t actually want to take over the bakery. Filiel could tell, even if she didn’t say it. However, Yui couldn’t admit it. She was too afraid of Arthur’s lurking shadow. No matter what anyone told her—that she would be all right, or that there was nothing to worry about—her anxiety wouldn’t disappear. This was a problem of the heart, and it was meaningless if she didn’t overcome it herself.
“I know very well that you’re afraid,” Filiel said, “but at least tell me this: if that problem didn’t exist, would you have accepted my feelings?”
“I...” An image of her father flashed through Yui’s mind, and her voice faltered.
Filiel pulled back from Yui slightly and looked into her eyes. “Forget about Count O’Brian, and tell me what you really feel. Was it a bother for me to tell you I loved you?”
His lovely green eyes peered into hers. She had a bit of a hard time dealing with Filiel’s eyes. His gaze was always warm, and it made her feel at ease. But at the same time, those eyes always coaxed her into telling him about her weaknesses and her true feelings, even when she didn’t want to. His eyes made her want to cling to him and rely on him. She found herself readily confessing her complaints to him, including her fears about her father. These were topics she had never brought up to anyone, not even to her mother or brothers.
“I love you, Yui. Do you dislike me?” Filiel said.
Her father was a big issue, and she knew she had to avoid marrying Filiel at all costs. That was why, if she had no intention of agreeing to an engagement, she ought to refuse him right now. It would be for Filiel’s sake too. But his strong, serious eyes told her that he accepted her unconditionally, despite understanding how weak she was.
Before she could stop herself, she let slip how she really felt about him. “I don’t... I love you too...” She had been happy when Filiel had told her how he felt. And she’d named her feelings for him long ago. What she felt for him was different than just friendship, and different from the affection she felt toward her brothers and her father. It was different from what she felt toward anyone—it was special.
But after she spoke, an image of her father appeared in her mind. “No...” she murmured. “It’s still impossible...” Even though she had given voice to her feelings, she rejected him out of weakness. She felt selfish and inconsiderate. Unable to meet Filiel’s eyes, she lowered her face.
However, Filiel was still reeling. For the first time, Yui had said that she loved him. Her words replayed in his mind over and over, and though he tried to keep a straight face through his joy and embarrassment, the corners of his mouth spontaneously crept upward. He hid his grin from Yui with his hand and internally agonized over it.