I, Philia, served as captain of the elven guard stationed in the monster-infested forest. A series of events led my people and me to seek shelter in a human village. We’d first encountered them when we were swarmed by a pack of mad grizzlies. The villagers, out hunting in the forest, had saved us.
Before that, I’d left our home to travel the world, so I’d already met many humans. Some had been kind; others hadn’t. By the time we encountered that village, I’d known how to judge their character by now—which was why I’d warmed up to them immediately, even though my kin were wary. I’d offered to visit their village myself and personally express our gratitude.
And that’d been when I had a fateful encounter with Lord Luke, the inventor of the greatest creation in the world: the bidet.
It’d been love at first sight. That toilet had changed my life.
That experience had introduced me to a pleasure unlike anything I’d ever known. Honestly, part of me hadn’t even wanted to return to the forest. I’d seriously considered staying in that village just for the toilet.
But, of course, I’d known I couldn’t do that, so I’d reluctantly left.
Then fate intervened when our village was destroyed by a horde of orcs. We’d fled for our lives and ended up back in that same human village, reuniting me with Lord Luke.
With the bidet.
Lord Luke graciously allowed us to stay until our village could be rebuilt. He even gave each family their own home, with a bidet. And as captain of the guard, I got my own house. Which meant...a bidet of my very own.
“Oh, my beloved...”
That night, I knelt before it, overwhelmed. It was pristine. Untouched. Unable to help myself, I rubbed my cheek against it. The cool porcelain felt oddly comforting. I pulled down my pants and lowered myself onto the seat.
“Haah, haah... This is the button that activates it, I believe...”
After touching my finger to it, I began to pant. It was labeled with something, but I couldn’t read human script. My finger trembled, and I pressed it.
Whoosh!
“Ahh, nngh... Aha!”
A sound escaped me as the stream of water hit just the right spot. But that was only the beginning. I shifted slightly to line it up better, fine-tuning the angle.
And there it was.
“Ah, yes! That’s the spot! Hnngh, so good!” Now that I was all alone, there was no need to hold back. I could let it all out.
After that, I used the bidet daily. But as my body became used to it, the sensation dulled, and the thrill faded.
I recalled the welcome briefing and remembered the other button, which adjusted the pressure of the spray. “Ha ha... I suppose that’s what this one is for.”
It was finally time to test it out.
“Bidet, show me your true power!”
Whooooooooosh!
“Ngaaaaaaah?!”
Unfortunately, the results weren’t what I was expecting.
“My butthole hurts...”
I’d given myself hemorrhoids that were so painful I had to walk bowlegged. Of course, Lord Luke noticed right away.
“What’s up with you, Philia? You’re walking kinda weird...”
“Ah ha ha... I just pushed myself too hard in training, that’s all...”
“Oh, okay. Take it easy.”
“Y-Yeah, I will...”
There was no way I could tell him I’d gotten hemorrhoids from overusing a bidet.
“Maybe healing magic will work? It’d be super awkward to ask someone to cast it on my butt, though... But what else can I do?”
Thankfully, we had a skilled healer among us, so I went straight to her. Her name was Clinetophanus, but we all just called her Cline.
“Your butthole hurts?”
“Yes. The pain started suddenly yesterday, and I don’t know why.”
“I see. May I take a look?”
I pulled down my underwear, trying not to die of embarrassment, and let her inspect the area. She studied it for a while, then finally asked, “Have you perhaps been stimulating the area for an extended period of time?”
“U-Um, no! Definitely not! Never!”
“Mm-hmm. I’ll cast the healing spell now.”
Whew, that was close. I had no idea what I would’ve done had she pressed any further.
Soon, a gentle warmth began to spread across the affected area.
Ahh, nngh... This, this actually feels kind of... No, you have to hold it in! You can’t make a sound in front of her!
“There, all done.”
“The pain’s completely gone!”
My butt was finally healed, and I was satisfied.
Yes! That means I can use the bidet again!
“There’s one thing I’d like you to be careful about,” Cline said.
“Hm? What’s that?”
“Please avoid any kind of stimulation to your bum for a while.”
“R-Right. Not that I, um, normally do that or anything!”
“Of course. It’s just a precaution.”
✦ ✦ ✦
After Philia left, Cline, who possessed a Gift called Healing Hands, muttered quietly to herself, “Yeah, that was definitely from overusing the bidet.”
If she didn’t put up warnings soon, there’d be even more victims. She knew its dangers better than anyone—from firsthand experience, of course. “There’s no way I can tell anyone I gave myself hemorrhoids from overusing the bidet and had to heal my own butt...”
Just then, someone else arrived.
It was Chieftain Leoninus.
“Is there something wrong, Chieftain?”
“Y-Yes. Well, you see...” He waddled over awkwardly, and Cline understood right away.
“Oh, Chieftain. Not you too!”
“Huh?”