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I led him to my room. We sat across from each other, and the emperor took a sip of the tea prepared by a maid. The silvery moonlight and dim lamps illuminated the room. Sitting in silence, I waited for him to speak.
“I heard you rejected Kuze’s offer.”
“Yes.”
“May I ask why?”
I stood up from the chair and threw my sleeves behind me, then kneeled before the emperor. I leaned forward and bowed so deeply that my forehead almost pressed against the ground. “On the day you saved my life, I swore to dedicate everything I have, from the top of my head to the tip of my toes, for your sake, Your Majesty. It is…my duty to be by your side.”
He seemed to be gazing down at me yet didn’t say anything. A long period of silence stretched on before he finally told me to raise my head.
His expression was a mix of agony and profound grief. “I have no plans of marrying you to any of my subjects. If you stay in this empire, I’ll choose you as my wife.” Before I could open my mouth, he added, “But if I become your life partner, you won’t be able to give birth to a Wagtail Priestess.”
I cast my eyes down.
“You know that, right?”
“…I am aware.”
“The woman who unites with me in marriage and body can only sire the next emperor. Even the Wagtail Priestess isn’t an exception. I tried looking through ancient texts for one, but…”
“The wife of a god can only be a mother of a god, I see.”
I had known. That was why I had always believed in the back of my mind that the emperor would never choose me as his empress. Why my chest always ached. I had wanted to avoid thinking about the reason for my pain. I had wanted to stay ignorant of the forbidden desire growing in my heart with each passing day.
Whenever I touched him, whenever I heard his voice, I thought, Ah. I want to be by his side. That wish stemmed from my gratitude and respectful admiration for him. But that wasn’t all.
I simply wanted the man, Haruka, who had stolen my heart.
“I want to be your other half, Sai…” The emperor kneeled and took my hands in his. We had to look silly—an emperor and a priestess holding hands and crouched on the ground, their chairs forgotten. But we stared into each other’s eyes earnestly, as if that didn’t matter at all.
The emperor moved my hand to cup his cheek. “I don’t want to marry anyone other than you,” he whispered. “You’re dear to me; your name is etched into my heart. But to wed you is to snatch away your life as the Wagtail Priestess.”
“Emperor Haruka, I…”
“Sai, I like you.” He closed his eyes briefly as if tasting each word. “I…like you.” The moonlight splashed onto his pale, shimmering hair. He had uttered his love for me aloud, casting aside appearances, status, and pride as though it was the only emotion he knew. He looked helpless, desperate.
His eyes wavered. “I like every part of you. Your noble spirit, how stubborn you are once you make up your mind, how desperately you live life to the fullest with that petite body, the brilliance of your mind, your black hair, your dainty head, the shape of your palms, your nails… Everything.”
“Emperor Haruka…”
“I used to simply think of you as an admirable girl. But…after I saw you again, saw your beauty, your valor… Every single day, I…liked you more and more and more.” His hands squeezed tighter as he whispered, “But…” He faltered. “If I allow my feelings to bloom further…it’s the same as transforming you into a womb for the next emperor.”
“…Yes.”
“I want a child with you. I want an emperor with your blood. But…I can’t bear the thought of you giving up on the future you want.”
“Your Majesty, I…”
“Those are my feelings for you. I have said everything.” Emperor Haruka released my hands. He patted my head before standing up, then offered me a hand and pulled me to my feet. “Sai, if you marry the Meridionan king, I will forever support you as the Emperor of Orient.”
I stared at him.
“So don’t worry,” he whispered. “You can choose the path you want.”
“Why, Your Majesty?”
My voice was shaking, more sob than question. His jewellike eyes opened wide before my vision grew too blurry to make out anything else. I closed my eyes. I buried my face in my hands. My palms were wet.
“Sai…”
My pierced ear hurt. My chest hurt. My body, graced with his touch, hurt. My heart hurt. “Emperor Haruka.” I had to force the words from my throat. “Why? If you were going to push me away like this from the beginning, why did you do this to me? You left your mark in the deepest part of my heart, on my ear, on my everything. Because of you, I am filled with such sweet pain.”
Hot tears rolled down my cheeks. “Thinking about you keeps me up at night. The smell of snow on the wind, flowers blossoming in the garden, lightning on a stormy night, the howl of gales all make me think about you. I like you, Emperor Haruka… How can I ever leave your side after knowing this pain?”
“Sai…”
“I cannot be so impudent as to assume or to even dare think about becoming your bride. But…but you have already filled every part of me, every crevice, and I am yours, completely. So please, at least…let me serve at your side for the rest of my life.”
The emperor hugged me as I wept uncontrollably. Gently he guided me onto a chair. “I’m sorry. I…didn’t consider your feelings at all.”
He held me in his arms until my tears finally dried up. Once I’d calmed down, he kneeled in front of me once more. Startled, I tried to rise, and he shook his head and stopped me.
“Sai.” He reached for my right foot. After sliding off my shoe, he lifted my foot with both hands, cradling it almost like a pious devotee. He was illumined in molten silver moonlight, as was my pale foot that almost never saw the sun.
The emperor’s forehead pressed against the top of my foot. “Wagtail Priestess Sai. Please marry me.” His lips brushed over my toe, and I felt a gentle pressure as he slipped it into his mouth. He was proposing in the traditional Oriental style.
“I will be together with you, my emperor,” I whispered. “Forever…and ever.”