Chapter Eighty-Six: The Ocean Was Absent from My Previous Life
THIN wisps of clouds decorated the sky with a blanket of haze.
“You never saw the sea in the past, right?”
“Yes. I lived in the mountains all my life.”
“That means your trip with my Right Wing was your first time.”
“Yes.”
He paused. “I’ll be honest. I wanted to be the first one to bring you to the sea, Sai, but, well…”
I blinked. “Are you…sulking, Your Majesty?”
“Not. At. All.”
Once we left the confines of the capital, the scenery changed completely. Everywhere around us, luscious green carpeted the ground as tall rice plants swayed in the breeze. Water wheels spun round and round at the river’s edge, and mated pairs of magpies soared in the air.
I was riding with the emperor on his horse, bound for the sea. The night before, he had asked, “Can you come along with me?” Our present trip had turned out to be what he was referring to. Behind us, military officers—guards—and maids followed, but for the most part, we were alone.
A dragonfly dashed past us.
I wasn’t wearing my priestess attire that day, instead dressed in an outfit that reminded me of the waist-high ruqun the emperor had prepared for me in the past. My gray sleeves fluttered in the wind like petals in spring. I had to hold down my hair, or else it would be mussed by the breeze tugging at it mischievously.
“It’ll start to feel suffocating if you always stay in the same city, right? Plus, I haven’t gotten to go out alone with you since the beginning of summer.”
So the emperor had said earlier when helping me onto the horse currently trotting down the road. His arms were around my waist as he handled the reins, my back pressed against his chest. Frankly, I felt shy. Quite a while back, I had cross-dressed and attended one of the emperor’s misogiharae as a stand-in for a court official. I had traveled on horseback then as well, on Lord Yukinari’s horse. I regretted the extra trouble I was causing due to my lack of riding skills.
I chewed on my lip. “I should learn how to ride.”
“Why’s that?”
“I’ll keep inconveniencing you on journeys like this otherwise. The horse must be tired with the extra weight too.”
“So…you’re being reserved because of that?” The emperor tilted his head toward me as the animal trotted on. With his arms around me, his face was right next to mine, his body firm against mine, and I didn’t know what position I should settle into.
He chuckled as he sensed the tension in my shoulders. “You’re so bold when you treat me, but look at you now.”
“Those are…two completely different things…”
Though the emperor wore his crown, he had brushed aside his veil and tucked it behind his ear. He had vanished his wings with magic, probably to reduce wind resistance. His parted veil was one of the reasons the servants lagged at a rather long distance—so that they wouldn’t glimpse his face.
With his face was exposed, the emperor appeared totally at ease. Not only was his expression soft, but also his every movement and the tone of his voice. Furthermore, his garb comprised not the usual white silk but was a pastel color tinged with gray. He likely donned it only on private occasions. The artwork on the clothing was magnificent—the faint pattern recalled crafts made with yūzen, a resist dyeing technique.
“You’re featherlight, Sai, so it’s fine. And…more than anything, I’m happier when I ride on the same horse as you.”
“It…makes you happier?”
“It makes me happier.” He paused. “You’re a person who can accomplish practically anything, so whenever I come across something you struggle with, I find it cute.”
I glanced up at him and immediately fell into his ash-gray eyes that matched the cloudy sky. A tender smile played on his lips. I didn’t know why, but the sight, combined with the heat of his body against my back, prompted me to tense for no apparent reason.
He must have noticed, because he muttered, “Hm? Something bothering you?”
“N-No, please ignore me…”
I was embarrassed by his closeness. That I hadn’t managed to decline when he instructed me to climb up onto the horse with him was another source of chagrin.
“Look over there, I can see the ocean.” The emperor perked up. “The waves are rather calm today.”
“The wind is incredible though… This counts as calm?”
“Yeah, of course. Winters in Orient are freezing cold, you know.”
Even when I didn’t look directly at his face, I knew he was right beside me as his voice tickled my ears and his body produced a gentle pressure on mine. During rites, the emperor was dignified and divinely beautiful, yet I liked this side of the emperor—when he was wholly relaxed and mellow. I hoped he was able to spend much of his time as himself and not the emperor everyone expected of him.
The emperor changed the topic. “You say that you can’t do anything, Sai, but… Raiya showed you his true form, right?”
“True form… Which one, may I ask?”
“Wait, you’ve seen that many variations?!” He laughed, sounding as carefree as dandelions drifting on the wind.
“I have seen his usual youthful form as a boy and…his young adult form that seems slightly older than you are currently.”
“Ah, that’s the period when he had the most influence in the imperial court.”
“At that age? My goodness.”
“I hear from others that Raiya wasn’t just a sharp mind. Back then, he understood my father’s vision better than anyone else and came up with one policy after another to realize those ideals. …He was a vital, irreplaceable man to my father. And he himself also burned with ambition—ambition to save the declining empire. But, well, unfortunately, ideals and dreams and wits aren’t enough to move a nation. In more ways than one.”
The emperor gave me a squeeze with the arm that was around my waist. “The fact that he showed you any of his other forms is proof that you earned his trust. Most people haven’t a clue.”
“Is that because…he does not wish for the people around him to be wary of him?”
“Yep. The imperial court has to rely on his wisdom—that’s a given—but at the same time, he can never appear before the public. He voluntarily chose to seclude himself in the depths of the Department of Print and alter his name and appearance so that he does not repeat history.”
“Why did he not leave the imperial court?”
“He can’t.” The emperor’s tone took on a heavy note of sorrow. As if freeing thoughts he typically kept locked in his mind, he spoke almost to himself. “He…thinks that he needs to shoulder the blame for all the things that happened in the government when he was a part of it. He had the option to resign and bid an eternal farewell to the political world, and he couldn’t because his crushing regret won’t let him. He’s torn up with guilt about the fact that he once caused political strife in this nation.”
“Lord Raiya…”
“Above all else, he desperately instilled all his knowledge in me so that I would not inherit the resentment toward the previous emperor, and he still protects me from the shadows to this day.”
“So that is what happened…”
“I never got much time with my father, and to me, Raiya is a second father.” Respect and admiration softened his voice. “I…truly can never thank him enough for everything he has done for me.”
The ocean wind grew in force and speed. We were approaching the beach, and I felt the horse’s pace quicken just a tad.