I wish I were dead. Dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead.
It’s been four months since I started working at Saigou High, and I, Kanae Ookuma, am at the end of my rope.
Everyone is always on edge, and the mood is always oppressive. My coworkers will show me how to do things, but no one is ever nice. There are lots of people at my job, but no humanity. It’s a horrible place to work.
Teachers hurl insults at students. And they do the exact same thing to me, the new hire. It’s hard to tell if I’m a teacher or a student, whether I’m a grown-up or a child. It makes me feel ill…
And worst of all, I’m being forced to be cruel, too.
I don’t want to scream insults. I don’t want to intentionally hurt anyone.
Why? Why is it like this? Am I the crazy one? In hindsight, maybe this is God’s way of punishing me for my lies.
I’m an ugly person. I grew up lying myself blue in the face.
When did my life first go off the rails…? That’s right. It must have been when I first noticed the difference between myself and those around me.
It happened shortly after I started high school. I played basketball in junior high. But my height didn’t budge, and I had to bow out in high school.
On a global scale, it’s not a very unique story. But for me, it was a huge problem. And it opened my eyes to how much everyone else was changing.
They were getting taller. I wasn’t.
Their breasts were getting bigger. Mine stayed the same.
They were finding boyfriends. I wasn’t interested in anyone that way.
They were getting into fashion and makeup. I still liked games and candy.
I couldn’t make myself change. I just didn’t know how to grow up.
Then, in our second year, the teachers asked us about our plans for the future.
Even now that I’m a teacher, it seems like a brutal practice. People who can’t keep up with those around them don’t have any idea what they want to do, or even what they can do.
I had no clue. But everyone had to turn the form in.
I had a scheduled meeting with the guidance counselor, and reality was closing in. With everyone around me pushing me into a corner, I gave up thinking.
I made something up, just to get through it. I said I wanted to be a teacher.
I knew what the job involved. It was a fine occupation, and no one would object to me pursuing it. For someone like me who couldn’t grow up, it was the only way I could silence the adults around me.
“Ookuma, what do you want to do?”
“…I want to teach.”
“Really? Well, I know just how to help you get there. First, for college—”
And so my lie became the truth. I had always liked looking after people. So I told myself that teaching was what I was meant to do.
For better or for worse, my grades were solid enough. I graduated college, completed my student teacher program, and found a job.
I became a teacher, thinking I knew what I was getting into. But in reality, I didn’t know the first thing… I’d said teaching was my dream, but even now, I have no idea what the job is supposed to involve.
Once I started working at Saigou High, it felt like everything I’d taken as normal was turned upside down.
This school is obsessed with grades. They don’t give a damn about the students. In fact, to make them study, those in charge recommend we treat the kids like so many sheep.
Is this normal at a prep school? Is it normal to be so obsessed with profits?
Does someone like me have any right to scold the students? Is yelling at someone for bad grades remotely justifiable? Does that even count as teaching?
Students’ tearstained faces haunt my dreams. They’re crying because I yelled at them for not scoring high enough.
I’m trapped in this place, with no clue which way is up.
I’m lost, with only one thought on my mind: Am I the kind of grown-up I wanted to become? The thing I wanted so badly that I lied about it?