Time marched on regardless of my lack of enthusiasm. Before I knew it, it was the day of the festival.
It was morning, around the time we usually held homeroom, and the school was much noisier than usual.
“The Saigou High School festival is about to begin.”
The students of Class 2-5 were chatting as an announcement came over the PA system, declaring the start of festivities.
Saigou High had a lot of students, so only a portion of them, such as the student council and the festival committee, attended the opening ceremony. The rest of us just listened to it over the PA system.
“I’ve got a friend in Class six who says they’ll give us a discount on their crepes.”
“Where should we go first? I don’t wanna wait in line, so let’s hurry to one of the popular spots.”
Our class wasn’t running a shop, so we were free to go where we pleased right from the start.
Classmates were forming packs, getting ready to enjoy themselves. Off in my corner, I quietly rose from my chair.
I intended to slip out of class the moment the festival began. I didn’t want some classmate I barely knew coming up and trying to talk to me like yesterday, so I planned to sneak away quickly and go hide somewhere.
I took as little as I could with me and hurried quietly to the door ahead of the crowd. Luckily, I made it out without anyone noticing. Even Tanaka, who sat beside me, didn’t seem to realize I’d left.
“Guests incoming! Cooks, are you ready? Got your ingredients prepped?”
“Class four, open for business! Come on in, we’ve got free seats!”
The hall was already bustling. Students not working shifts were pouring out of every door. Those manning their class’s shops were snaring people from that first wave at speeds that would astound even the most skilled bar touts.
Anyone who saw me probably thought I was just enjoying the festival—a fact I resented.
I moved away from the noise, no real destination in mind, just wandering. I refused to meet anyone’s eyes and turned away whenever I heard chatter. I kept walking past all the sweet scents, cheery music, and happy shrieks.
I was moving as if pursued, and soon I followed a wave of people outside.
“…It’s so hot.”
As soon as I left the front entrance, I raised a hand to my forehead and shielded my eyes.
It was midsummer. The sky was a deep blue, full of vapor trails and big, fluffy clouds. It was the middle of the season, and the skies were full of expectation.
Sunlight leaked through my fingers and past my hand, blinding me. It was far too bright.
“Hey, hey! Come on in! Want some french fries?”
“Kitchen staff, keep working! There are more customers waiting!”
There were a bunch of stalls along the path from the entrance to the front gate. These were basic tents with signs advertising things like fries, okonomiyaki, and hot dogs.
“Excuse me! Can we get two? Can you break a thousand-yen bill?”
“Hey, junior high school kid! What do you think? We’re making yakisoba. Want some?”
They’d opened the gates to the public. It wasn’t just Saigou students milling around.
People were forming lines at every stall. The skewer shop run by Class 3-1 was doing especially well. They’d stolen equipment and space from the soccer captain’s class and had both spots running at full tilt, keeping the lines moving.
One of their people was with a customer right now. A junior high girl ordered yakitori. The student taking orders relayed that to the student cooking, and when it was ready, he handed it over to the girl, sweat on his brow.
The whole class had smiles on their faces. It made me sick, and I could hardly stand to watch. And yet I felt obligated to keep my eyes peeled—to witness the truth.
Hold in your disgust and watch. See? This is the festival you made Kurumi cry to protect.
“……”
The students in Class 3-1 were frying a lot of meat at once, and plumes of smoke rose from their tents. It trailed upward like the smoke from one of my cigarettes, reminding me of that day I’d been sulking on the roof, sullying the sky.
The memory didn’t make me crave a smoke, though. The smell of cigarettes repulsed me now. And yet the sight of smoke made my mouth feel lonely. Not the rest of me—just my mouth.
…I’m really messed up. What’s wrong with me?
Our class had no shifts to work. I could have just called in sick and stayed home. If I was going to feel this disappointed, I shouldn’t have even shown up.
So why was I here? There was only one reason.
I was hoping to see Kurumi.
It was time to admit it—I wanted to talk to her again. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to talk about or what I should say to her. But I was sure that the only way I’d ever rid myself of this resentment, remorse, and discontent was to speak with her one more time.
She hadn’t read any of the messages I’d sent her. It was still complete radio silence. That meant I would have to meet with her face-to-face.
The festival was open to the public. She could still attend, even if she’d dropped out. If Kurumi felt like too much time had passed to simply message me back… If she felt like I did, and wanted to talk to me one last time, then…
That faint hope alone had brought me here.
…I know, I’m being a pussy again. But can you blame me for it? I didn’t even know Kurumi’s train station, much less her address. All I could do was wait for her. That was the best a boy like me could do—a boy who’d refused to look at his own heart, who’d only managed to act when a girl threatened him.
“…This is ridiculous.”
I tore my eyes off the stalls, and my feet led me away from the crowds once again.
I moved back inside, pushing forward toward the quiet, toward solace. I stared straight ahead as I walked, and soon I was somewhere familiar: a dimly lit hall, with signs bearing club names beside each door. I continued toward the back. I was now far from the bustling crowds, in the old club annex. I felt like I was in another dimension—a secret back half of the world.
I reached the end of the hallway and pulled up short outside the final door. I stood frozen, just as I had the first time I’d come here.
I couldn’t tell if I’d made my way to this place consciously or unconsciously, but I’d wound up in front of the Stargazing Club.
I reached for the door. It wasn’t locked.
“…Kurumi?”
My heart leaped. Could she be inside?
But that breathless anticipation lasted only a moment before giving way to disappointment.
In the room I found a table, two folding chairs, and a set of shelves. Nothing more. The space itself was unchanged, but Kurumi was missing. It was like she’d been erased from a photo, like there was a hole where she was meant to be.
“Not here, then.” A faint sigh escaped me.
If Kurumi had come to school hoping to see me, this was where she’d be. I’d thought I might find her here. She’d look up at me awkwardly and say, “Oh, Natsume… Hey, there.”
I’d been thinking way too optimistically. All that was over. I was too late. Our paths would never cross again. It was sad, but that was reality.
Just in case, I checked my phone, but she still hadn’t read a single message. All I saw were a whole bunch of notifications telling me my stamina had been replenished in some stupid phone game.
I headed into the room, pulled out a chair, and took a seat.
I ran my fingers across the table, but there was no residue left from her tears. The room was all cleaned up, and looking around it, I felt like I knew why she’d cried.
Kurumi couldn’t bear the idea of me becoming yet another lower-ranking student.
I should have thought back to how we started our resistance. Why had I admired Kurumi Hoshimiya when I met her on the roof? It was because I was happy to know there was someone else who couldn’t stand this school.
She wasn’t like the teachers, the good class students, or even the other bad students. And that had dazzled me—I’d loved her unwavering morals, her convictions.
I hated all the teachers here. I hated how the better students lorded their status over us. But I hated the lower-ranking students just as much. After all, not one of them questioned the discrimination, and no one ever fought back. They simply laughed off the abuse.
In our final strategy session, I’d said some crap about the two of us not having the right to hurt anyone. But we did have that right. And we should have hurt them, if only for the simple reason that I hated everyone in this hellhole.
“Ugh… Augh…”
When Kurumi had said she didn’t want anyone else to end up like her, she wasn’t talking about the other students in the bad classes.
Sorry, Kurumi. I read that all wrong.
“Goddammit. What am I even doing?!”
I gave in to impulse and slammed my fist down on the table. There was a loud thump. My hand hurt, but it was the only thing that felt real.
I’d always lived trying to avoid making mistakes, and this was the first time I’d regretted anything so much.
I collapsed onto the table. I covered my eyes with one arm, wiping the tears as they formed.
I’d managed to stave it off for a while, but now the torrent of emotions whirling inside me burst through the levees.
I didn’t want to see anything anymore. I didn’t want to keep existing in this world.
I closed my eyes and let my mind slip away, like I was fleeing reality.
✦ ✦ ✦
As I slept, I dreamed.
In that dream, Kurumi and I met under ordinary circumstances and forged a healthier relationship. This time, we were just two students in the same club.
We’d meet up after school and chat about nothing in particular. To be honest, we didn’t do a lot of actual club activities. She’d tease me, and we’d banter back and forth. That was our routine.
Eventually, we started turning to each other for advice and got to know each other better. Neither of us really fit in, and so we started dating. We were each other’s support.
Our first kiss came during club. The mood was right, and we just went for it.
“Natsume, how’d your first kiss taste?”
“Hmm. Like strawberries, I think.”
We both blushed—then we laughed.
Was a future like that ever in the cards for us?