In Japan, they say smoke and fools prefer high places. The teachers here unanimously agreed that I was a fool, so I decided I’d once again escape to the closest place to the sky.
The school day ended with homeroom. Once the teacher finished announcements and wrapped things up, we were free.
“There isn’t one brain cell between the whole lot of you! Stop playing around! No more clubs! Quit school right now or drop dead! Give me a damn second’s peace! Okay, that’s all. If you failed to turn in your homework, stay behind.”
With that, our teacher stormed out of the room. My classmates started opening their study books, zombielike.
Eyeing them, I quietly rose from my seat. My untouched homework still at the bottom of my backpack, I sailed right out the door. I didn’t want to spend another second in that hellhole.
I mingled with the crowd headed for the restrooms. Then, dodging the teachers’ line of sight, I followed my usual route.
I went all the way down the hall, then up a dimly lit stairwell. Up and up I went, turning at every landing, until I reached the very top. Once there, I pushed through the steel door.
A pleasant breeze hit my face, and the world opened up before me.
I could see the evening sky above, studded with clouds, and below it an expanse of filthy tiles. Between the two was a line of fencing, only slightly taller than I was.
This was the school roof—a place supposedly off-limits to students.
I stepped through the door and closed it behind me. After settling down against a nearby wall, I pulled a cigarette from my pocket, placed it between my lips, and held up my lighter. The tip of the cigarette glowed red, then black, then white. I breathed in. I didn’t fully inhale, just let the smoke play around in my mouth.
“Whew…”
I exhaled, and the smoke escaped upward. The sky was all Halloween tones—orange and navy blending together. The smoke felt like a stain on its innocence, and I relished this act of sacrilege.
I took another drag on the cigarette. Inhale… Exhale…
In elementary school, I learned how not to fit in.
In junior high, I learned how to sleep through class.
And now in high school, I was learning how to smoke.
I’d come up here to the roof to kill time puffing on a cigarette I’d swiped from my dad’s study. Some people might look at me and think I’m an idiot. Others might call me a worthless piece of shit.
But the act of smoking meant something to me—Ren Natsume—and I wasn’t about to stop breaking the law.
The sun was setting, but I could still feel its heat. Lately, temperatures had been steadily rising.
I think it was around the start of April when I first noticed they’d left the roof door unlocked. I supposed that meant I’d been sneaking up here for a couple of months now.
Time flies, I thought, but this place hasn’t changed much.
I was all alone up here. No one else ever came. Up on the roof, time seemed to stop.
“Quit school or drop dead, huh?”
I pulled the cigarette from my lips and let the smoke escape. I exhaled slowly, like I was breathing out all my stress, letting it thin out and expand until it melted into the surrounding air.
I stared vacantly at the rising smoke. This moment was all mine, no one here to interrupt. How much easier would it be if I could dissolve into the sky just like the smoke from my cigarette? I flicked the ash from the end and brought it back to my lips for another drag.
Just then, there was a gust of wind, and I heard a creak from right beside me.
Metal grinding against metal. It was a nasty sound, for two different reasons.
The first was the awful noise itself—and the second was that it meant someone else was up here.
“Shit…!”
By the time the word escaped my lips, it was already too late. They’d already stepped out through the door to my side.
I had no time to hide the cigarette, much less myself. All I managed to do was nod awkwardly in greeting. And as I did, my eyes met those of the intruder.
“Uh… ’Sup,” I said.
“…Come on, now. Don’t give me that. How can you be such a stereotypical slacker at a prep school? I’m shocked!”
Her slippers were red. She was a first-year.
She had long lashes and eyes that gleamed like black quartz. Her hair was black, and her lips a pale pink. A bob cut framed her roundish baby face. She was on the short side and didn’t wear makeup. A basic, natural kind of cute—the little sister type.
Dammit. I’d assumed no one else would ever come up here, and I’d let my guard down. I should have kept an eye out.
She seemed like a good student. Why was she even here? I was relieved it wasn’t a teacher…but what should I do about her?
“…Um,” the girl began, staring down at me. “I don’t mean to pry, but is there a reason you’re smoking?”
“…Er, huh? Um…what? A reason?”
“Yeah. Unless my eyes are deceiving me, you appear to be smoking a cigarette.”
“…Well, yeah. I guess I am,” I said, a little rattled.
The girl fixed me with a grave look.
“It looks like you’re all on your own. You’re not trying to impress anyone, yet you are risking being caught by the faculty. I figured there must be some reason, and I’d like to hear what it is.”
Wasn’t she digging a little deep? We’d only just met.
“Who cares? Why does that matter?”
“It’s a simple psychological test. Please, indulge me.”
The girl never took her eyes off me. Her gaze was completely earnest.
Weird… Wasn’t she afraid? Did she really mean to pry an answer out of me?
I supposed it was better than getting yelled at or snitched on, at least. I might as well give her an answer and send her packing.
“The teachers here hang out next to the shoe boxes so they can nab anyone who didn’t do their homework and make them stay after class. So I’m killing time until school hours are over.”
“I fail to see the connection to smoking.”
“……”
Inside, I was shaking a fist at the sky. What a stroke of bad luck.
Psychological test, my ass. Just leave me alone.
I might as well just tell her. Ignoring her would probably be more trouble than it was worth. I let out a puff of smoke, and then I gave her the real reason.
“Smoking up here relaxes me. I find it refreshing.”
“You can’t even wait till you get home? Sounds like you’re just addicted.”
“I’m not addicted. I don’t even let the smoke reach my lungs.”
The girl gave me a look, as if demanding clarification.
“I hate this school,” I said.
“…Oh-ho.”
“Even a first-year like you must know by now. This place only cares about grades. The teachers spew insults at you if you don’t keep up. Students in the top-scoring classes treat those in the lower-ranking classes like dirt. Here, your academic performance and grades are the only things that count. I can’t stand it.”
“Hmm. I’m with you so far. Please go on.”
“Like you said, this is a prep school—no one else smokes. So if I come up here and pull out a cigarette, I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom, and it puts me at ease. All the teachers who scream at me for failing a few tests or for not turning in my homework start seeming like total idiots. I’m mocking the academic discrimination that rules this school. It lets me vent my frustration.”
I meant every word. That was my shallow, foolish reason for lighting up at school. Killing time until I could leave was just an excuse, a secondary motive. My main motivation was to rebel. It felt good to break the rules behind the teachers’ backs.
Yeah, I know. Smoking is terrible. But I had to relieve my stress somehow.
This stupid high school had me making lots of bad decisions. I faked illness to stay home, flunked tests, and almost got held back a year. It was leading me on a path to ruin.
So why shouldn’t I smoke, too? I wasn’t doing anything else right. How would a few cigarettes change anything?
I wondered if the girl was satisfied with this glimpse into my slacker mind.
She had her arms folded, one hand on her chin—a thinking pose. She nodded several times and muttered, as if talking to herself. “Venting…”
It didn’t take long before her gaze was back on me. She fixed me with an icy expression and nodded once.
“Okay, okay. I think I get the gist, thanks. So you’re a pussy.”
“…What? Hey, wait a minute!”
The girl, who had stalked off across the roof, spun back toward me. “What? You want something from me?”
Crap. Her prickly response had baffled me, and I’d called out to her without thinking.