It wasn’t long before an inebriated Wolanski griped to him about the difficulties of life as a working man.
“His Highness just doesn’t understand what I go through.”
“Ook-ook.”
“Yeah, exactly! He’s got it easy, not knowing what it’s like to have to work under someone else.”
“Ooook.”
“You get it? You really get it? Yeah, that’s right.”
“Ook! Ook!”
“‘I should slap him with my letter of resignation, and then punch him in the face’? Ah ha ha, if only I could.”
Wolanski usually drank alone, but having someone to complain to was pretty nice. If Henry were a fellow noble, Wolanski would’ve had to stay guarded. And even with his own wife, he had trouble taking down his facade.
By the time they’d emptied out the bottle, Wolanski was feeling much better.
“Well, I’d best be getting home.”
“Ook!”
“Hm? Oh, I just take a carriage from the gate. Don’t worry! Thanks, Henry.”
Henry put the empty bottle and shot glasses away in his basket, then presented something made of stiff cloth to Wolanski.
“Hmm? What is this?”
“Ooook. Ook! Ook!”
“‘Something nice’? ‘It makes most guys perk right up’? Ha ha ha, I feel bad accepting such a treasure from you. Thank you.”
“Ook!”
After Henry waved goodbye, Wolanski walked away under a sky full of stars. He felt like all his troubles had been washed away and he’d be able to do his best tomorrow.
Looking up at the full moon, Wolanski smiled. When he tried to pass through the gate, he looked so dubious that the guards decided to stop and question him.
“You’re the son of Marquess Wolanski, are you? Thank you for your service,” said a knight.
Though his words were polite, the knight stood blocking Wolanski’s path, a look of suspicion on his face. There was another knight standing behind Wolanski too.
“You seem rather inebriated. There wasn’t any party tonight, was there? Did His Highness offer you a drink?”
“Oh, no, I was just drinking with a friend,” Wolanski answered.
“Oh-hoh. You’re saying you know someone else in the palace who’s in a position to offer you a drink?”
“Yes, little Henry the monkey.”
Normally, Wolanski would’ve known that he needed to explain himself a little better, whatever the facts might be, but this Wolanski had been drinking. He’d just polished off a bottle of distilled liquor, even if it was a miniature one, all by himself. It was fair to say most people would be drunk after that.
It wasn’t clear if the knights took issue with the fact that “Henry” didn’t have the right to offer alcohol in the palace or the fact that he was a monkey, but the look in their eyes changed.
“My Lord, is this really the time for jokes?” the knight asked.
“I’m not joking!” Wolanski insisted.
“Is that a fact? Well, who did you drink with, then?”
“I told you, with Henry the monkey.”
“I see. Fine, let’s say monkeys drink alcohol. What were you doing drinking with a monkey?”
With alcohol-fueled courage, Wolanski thrust out his chest and boldly answered, “I was griping about my job!”
“You were griping about your job...to the monkey?”
“Yes!”
“And...what did the monkey say?”
“He said if I hate it so much, I should go slap my boss with a letter of resignation and then punch him in the face!”
“The monkey said this?”
“Yes, of course. Henry and I were the only ones there, after all.”
“I see...”
The knight in front who’d been doing the questioning signaled with his eyes to his partner in the back. The partner, who was blocking Wolanski’s escape route, left for a moment to call for backup from the gate.
“By the way, what is that you’re carrying there, my lord?” the knight asked.
Wolanski was still holding whatever it was that Henry had given him. “What is it, I wonder?” he murmured as he spread it out and took a look. It was one of those things that women used to provide support for their chests.
“From where I’m standing,” said the knight, “you seem to be carrying some women’s underwear.”
“Ah, yes. Well. This would be what they call a bustier.”
“Where did you get that?”
“This? I got it from Henry when we were drinking earlier.”
“From the monkey?”
“From the monkey.”
The knight didn’t bother to keep his voice down at this point. He told all the guards who’d arrived to take Wolanski to the knights’ station.
“No, wait, wait! It’s true. I got this from the monkey!” Wolanski cried.
“If I indulge you and accept that as a fact, which I really shouldn’t, then why was this monkey giving you a piece of ladies’ underwear, my lord?”
“Can’t you see? As a token of friendship!”
The interrogating knight looked at one of the others and whispered, “You might want to call for more backup.”
“On it.”
“Why are you saying that?!” Wolanski asked.
“I’m curious why you think I wouldn’t,” the knight answered, “but fine, let’s change the question. What makes you think a monkey gave you this as a token of friendship?”
“Ah, he was saying that it makes most guys perk right up.”
“Hey, go see if there’s any women who’ve lost theirs,” the knight ordered. “This guy’s crazy enough that this might belong to some noblewoman.”
“Considering how far gone he is,” replied another knight, “we probably shouldn’t put any age limits on the women he might have gone after.”
“Come on, people! Why do you insist on treating me like I’m crazy?!” Wolanski questioned.
“Because that’s exactly what you are,” the knight replied. “Oh, excuse me. It’s because you said you got it from a monkey.”
“I know who it belongs to too! Since Henry gave it to me, it must belong to Miss Rachel Ferguson.”
“Why didn’t you return it on the spot?”
“Because it’s packed full of Henry’s friendship!”
“Hey, go down to the dungeon and run this by Miss Ferguson,” the knight ordered.
“Maybe we oughta stick this guy in there?” suggested the other.
“We can’t put this deviant in with the young lady!”
While the two knights openly discussed what to do in front of him, Wolanski asked, “Do you people think I stole Miss Rachel’s underwear to satisfy some sick fetish of mine?!”
“Well, yes. If we’re being blunt about it.”
“Don’t be absurd!” In the name of pride...yes, pride as the chairman of the Flat Chest Society, Wolanski loudly objected. “I would never be interested in Miss Rachel’s undergarments! I am a flat-chester, through and through! I’m only interested in more modest chest sizes!”
“Get some more men! We can’t let this pedo get away!”
“Excuse me?! I just told you. I appreciate flat chests! Why would you treat me like a pedophile?!”
“After everything you’ve said, why do you think we wouldn’t?!”
“Are you stupid?!” Wolanski asked, indignant. As a man of strong beliefs, he boldly stated, “We appreciate those with modest chests! Pedophiles appreciate those who are underage! We may seem similar, but we’re not! There may be some crossover, but our tastes are different!”
“Yeah, yeah, you can tell us all about it at the knights’ station! Don’t resist!”
On that day, several people witnessed the knights dragging a young nobleman away as he screamed the whole time.
“You’re wrong! You’ve got me all wrong! Listen, flat does not mean underage! I’m not a pedoooo!!!”
It was one of the rare occasions when Sofia, the overall manager of the maids, came to the dungeon to make a report herself.
“Their Majesties will be arriving in the capital soon, so I wanted to have a meeting with you to discuss policy,” Sofia explained.
“Good idea,” Rachel replied with a nod. “Once they’re back, all this ruckus will be over, and I’d rather not get myself into any trouble at the very end.”
While his mistress and her servant talked, Haley munched on an apple as he thought about the man he’d met in the hallway. He’d been rude, and he’d gotten Haley’s name wrong, but he’d also been a fun guy who laughed and cried a lot. He’d been rambling on about something, but since he seemed to be in a much better mood when he left, he must have sorted out whatever it was.
When they parted, Haley had given him something that all the human males liked. His mistress had plenty of them, so she wouldn’t miss one. He hoped the guy would have a good time with it.
Haley gazed up at the stars through the little barred window.
“Your Highness, the chef informs me this stuff is called popcorn. It’s edible, you know?” said a servant.
“Do I care?! Damn that Rachel! I can’t sleep like this!”