I wasn’t sure how much time had passed since my fight with the dragon.
When I came to, I was in the dark. I couldn’t see anything, not even an inch in front of me, nor feel the ground beneath my feet. It felt like I was just a soul, floating in some space. Obviously a pretty weird place to find myself in.
And it definitely wasn’t a hospital.
“Wait, am I in the afterlife? Did I die?”
Such an outcome was plausible. Even ignoring the loss of my arm, I had severe wounds all over.
And the very last thing I remembered was being attacked by a bunch of guys in masks.
Tiana had come running to my rescue, and then I’d lost consciousness. I wondered what had happened to her.
“I hope she’s okay. I hope she gets to live and enjoy her youth and not die a virgin like me...”
Sigh. Now I was getting depressed. I hadn’t thought I’d die this young. There went my dream of a cute bride and a peaceful life, dammit.
“Well, now that I’m dead, it’s too late to lament things. I’ll just go to sleep and hope the next life’s better.”
With that, I closed my eyes. I mean, I was already in the dark, so that didn’t matter, but you know. It was the spirit of the thing.
“Mm... When I wake up, I’ll be in heaven, I’m sure! And then after my soul gets a little rest, it’ll be time for me to move on to my next life. I’m gonna be reborn as a tough-as-nails, dashing, handsome dude. And not some wimpy, gloomy jackass. Yeah.”
“MUNCH...”
“The reborn Crow will be so charismatic that everyone in his village will love him. He won’t have just that lying sack of shit Fukashi to talk to. And then, a terrorist group will attack the village, but Crow Number Two, who will have happened upon a sword, will defeat them. Thus will begin his epic tale...! I mean, I don’t like combat in this life, but the next Crow will be like, so good at combat, dude, like, holy-shit-I-don’t-even-know-how-good level good. He’ll be invincible. And then all the big tiddy knights are gonna love him, and they’re gonna be all over him.”
“MUNCH MUNCH...”
“And then stuff’s gonna happen, and he’ll do all sorts of great things, and a pretty princess is gonna fall for him, and— Oh! Oh! It’ll turn out his dad’s the knight commander, and he’s gonna have so many connections, he’s gonna get some job that’s gonna be, like, super important for the country!”
“MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH! MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH!!!”
“Holy shit! Shut the fuck up! Quit it with the damn munching!!!”
Come on! I was busy planning out my next life! What was making that infuriating noise?!
I got so mad my eyes snapped open. And—
“TASTY! TASTY!”
“Uh. Whoa.”
When had this thing gotten here?
Here I was, thinking I was rid of Muramasa, but there the stupid sword was, slurping up a semitransparent ginormous dragon’s soul. Like, shhhhhhhhhlrp.
“TASTE! QUANTITY! FIVE STARS! WOULD EAT DRAGON AGAIN!”
Its hilt was swelling up like it had cheek pouches or something as it continued to just merrily munch away.
So that’s what was making that insufferable racket.
“Okay, a hundred points for killing the thing, but zero points for table manners. You’re the epitome of awful. Die in a fire, dude,” I protested. “Speaking of dying... Muramasa, why are you in the afterlife?”
This thing was gonna stalk me in death too? Really?
I mean, I guess it could try, but see, I was destined for heaven. And Muramasa was a piece of shit, so it was going to hell. Right? So it shouldn’t even have tried.
Instead of listening to my advice, Muramasa just swung its blade sideways. Okay, then.
“THIS IS NOT THE AFTERLIFE. IT’S YOUR INNER WORLD, VESSEL.”
“Wait, really?!”
So I wasn’t dead?!
“AND YOU TOO ARE A PIECE OF SHIT, DESTINED FOR HELL.”
“What did you say to me, asshole?!”
Me? Me, a piece of shit?! Also, when did it get so eloquent?!
“YOU’VE LED MANY WOMEN ON, PIECE OF SHIT VESSEL.”
“Are you serious? Women won’t even look at me, dude!”
“...”
“What?! You wanna say something, say it, damn you!”
Stupid thing, acting like a dumb sword would have something important to say!
“MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH!”
And stop chewing with your mouth open! Swallow before you talk, idiot!
“MUNCH MUNCH...GULP! THE NECESSARY AMOUNT HAS BEEN CONSUMED. THE REMAINDER WILL SERVE AS EMERGENCY RATIONS. I SHALL PACK THE LEFTOVERS,” Muramasa said, all finished eating the soul for now.
“You can’t just leave a half-eaten dragon carcass in my mind! What if it starts to rot?!”
“DON’T CARE. ANYWAY. EVOLUTION TIME.”
“Evolution?!”
Oh yeah! It had said something to that effect! Like, if it ate that dragon, it could do that.
Hmm. I hated to rain on its parade, but uh... I kinda didn’t want that to happen.
“I don’t really get it, but you’ll get stronger, right? Which means you’ll get better at controlling me, which means I probably won’t be able to regain full control anymore, which means no thank you! I wanna go back to taking it easy!”
“IF I DO NOT EVOLVE, YOU WILL DIE, VESSEL.”
“Bwuh?!”
What did it mean, I was gonna die?! I was fine...right?!
“YOUR ORGANS ARE COMPLETELY CRUSHED. MULTIPLE ORGAN FAILURE WILL RESULT IN CERTAIN DEATH.”
Oh. Oh yeah! When that black dragon had started flailing around, the acceleration had pressed my body, like, splat. And then I’d nosedived to the floor, which meant five or six of my organs being crushed made sense.
“I guess those potions and things that knights use can’t really restore organ function. But you’re telling me that if you evolve, that’s gonna save me?”
“CORRECT,” it said, nodding.
You know, this demon sword was a piece of trash who liked to turn my body into a wet rag for the sake of filling its stomach, but it wouldn’t lie to me like that. It’s not like there was any point in trying to cheer me up, so it had to be serious.
“A’ight! Evolve away, then!”
What else was I gonna do? Say no?
I didn’t want to die. Nor did I want this guy’s hold on me to get even stronger—what with how it liked to use me as its plaything and all—but desperate times called for desperate measures.
So I nodded. And Muramasa was positively beaming.
It must’ve been really looking forward to using me as a puppet for its gourmand pursuits!
“I SHALL BECOME ONE WITH YOUR SOUL, VESSEL. TO THAT END, YOU MUST STEEL YOUR RESOLVE.”
“Steel my resolve? What resolve? I’m the lamest guy around! Heh!”
“DO NOT BRAG ABOUT THAT. STEEL YOUR RESOLVE. NAME A DESIRE. A HOPE. A WISH. SHOUT THEM OUT FROM YOUR HEART, WITH GUSTO.”
Oh! Desires and hopes and wishes? I had tons of those! Just had to shout them out, right? Okay!
“VESSEL. WHAT IS YOUR DESIRE?” Muramasa asked as dark aether sprung forth from its blade.
My inner world was painted black (note to self: clean it later, it’s dirty) as I answered its question.
“My desire...? Well, honestly, all I want is to be hella popular with the ladies and take it easy!”
“UH. WOW.”
Muramasa seemed weirded out, but that was my wish, you know?
“I’ve been the Condemner of All Evil for the sake of others all this time! Shouldering every burden, every responsibility! I’m sick of it! I wanna move on already and live in peace!!!”
I was tired of suffering. Present Crow had done a lifetime’s worth of good already in just the past few weeks. I wanted to live the rest of my life on my terms!
“VESSEL. WHAT IS YOUR HOPE?”
“My hope...is to have a big tiddy wife who takes, like, super good care of me, and also gives me money! I’d do anything for that! Um, except fighting!”
“WOOOW.”
Can it, Muramasa!
Yeah! I was gonna be honest about my wants for once! Up until now, I’d just wanted to get a decently attractive wife, but after nearly eating shit to that dragon, I realized something! Something important!
If you only get one shot at life and death could come at any time, you should aim for the stars!
And the brightest star was a beautiful lady willing to support me financially!
“LASTLY, VESSEL, WHAT IS YOUR WISH?”
My wish? Easy!
“I hereby declare that I, Crow Titus, wish to someday sever all ties with you, you demonic embodiment of all that is evil and terrible! I wish for my freedom and peace back!”
Yes! That was it!
“That’s my wish!!!” I cried out (internally).
With a rumble, the darkness flowing from Muramasa enveloped my entire inner world. (Please don’t soil it! Thanks!)
And then, I could feel my body again. Strength coursed through me, and my senses were sharpened.
I knew I was about to wake up.
My consciousness rose from my filthy inner world—thanks, Muramasa (and half-eaten dragon carcass)—and tried to return to its rightful place.
Muramasa had one final question for me.
“YOU HATE ME THAT MUCH?”
Huh? What a weird thing to ask.
“Of course I do! You mess me up whenever you get the munchies! My life’s all weird because of you, you know!”
Seriously. This thing had screwed everything up.
I had been happy living as an ordinary village dude. Now I was a knight, forced to fight evil. A very tough life for a pacifist like me!
But, well...
“I did get to meet Iris because of you. And you kinda were pretty cool in the fight against the dragon back there.”
And, I mean...
“I do want to cut ties with you, but that doesn’t mean I want you, like, gone from the world or anything.”
“!!!”
The garbage sword vibrated at my answer.
I kind of made a face at it as I woke up, wondering what this weird-ass emotional reaction was.
✦ ✦ ✦
And then—
“D-Die, Crow Titus!”
Whaaaaaaat???
Why was I surrounded by a bunch of prisoner-looking dudes?!
What the hell?!