Chapter 4:
Uneasy Feeling
AFTER CONFIRMING THAT SAITO WAS ONCE again in the living room, fully engrossed in his horror game, Akane quietly closed the door behind her. If she were to speak honestly, she would ask him to stop playing those tasteless games already—but interfering too much would only reignite the war between them, and she didn’t want that. Saito had made compromises to accommodate her too. She figured she should make some concessions as well.
With that in mind, Akane entered her study and locked the door behind her. It was time for a strategy meeting. She opened her messaging app on her smartphone and placed a call to Himari.
“Sorry to keep you waiting,” said Akane.
“I wasn’t waiting at all. Thanks for making time for me, even though you’re busy studying!” Himari cheerfully answered.
“I’ve always got time for you, Himari.”
“You know what? I actually went to the arcade, like you said! I tried that zombie shooting game, but it’s really hard. I kept getting game overs. Honestly, saving up and buying a console might be cheaper in the long run,” said Himari.
“In that case, you could come over to my pla—” Akane cut herself off mid-sentence, a chill running down her spine. Not good. If she invited Himari to her house, it’d be impossible to hide her relationship with Saito. If Himari found out she was married to him, she might never speak to her again, and just the thought of that was unbearable.
“Uh, well, if you still want to have something in common with Saito, maybe it’d be faster to read the kind of books he likes?” suggested Akane.
“Oh, that’s a good idea! What kind of books does Saito-kun like?”
“He’s a fan of smutty books,” replied Akane, purely based on assumptions.
Himari giggled. “Makes sense, he’s a guy after all. Okay, I’ll go buy an X-rated magazine at the convenience store and give it a read!”
Akane was starting to feel like she was leading her friend down the wrong path. “Wait. How exactly is that supposed to help you connect with him?”
“I could say something like ‘Oh, so this is the kind of stuff you’re into, Saito-kun? Want to try this with me sometime?’”
“Isn’t that moving way too fast?!” said Akane, widening her eyes.
Himari burst out laughing. “You’re right! He’d get totally freaked out, wouldn’t he?”
Just hearing her cheerful laugh made Akane smile too. Even though they were only connected through a phone, it felt like they were chatting side by side.
After a good laugh, Himari spoke again. “Besides, I’d like to have a proper date at an amusement park or something before we get all into…you know, that stuff,” confessed Himari in a bashful, quiet tone.
“…Yeah.” Akane could feel the sincerity in Himari’s words, and it made her own chest tighten a little. Her bestie was serious. She was truly in love with Saito, and she wanted him to love her back. Akane herself was unfamiliar with that kind of feeling, but she couldn’t help but find it kind of beautiful that Himari could feel it so deeply.
“I’ll do some research into what kind of books Saito likes,” Akane offered.
“Aww, thanks! Sorry to make you do all this.”
“No problem. Just leave it to me—I’ve got your back!” Akane ended the call with the bold declaration and left her study.
Okay, so…where should I start? She paused in the hallway, smartphone in hand, thinking. The easiest thing would be to just ask Saito directly. But if he misunderstood and thought she was interested in him, it’d be a disaster. Being accused of stalking again would be even worse.
That guy gets carried away so easily. I still remember how he sulked about not getting steak—he was like a little kid. It was kind of cute, though.
Akane smiled at the memory. But then she quickly caught herself, shaking her head furiously. Nope! Not cute at all! He’s the enemy!
She figured it’d be easiest to quietly check his bookshelf, so she tiptoed toward Saito’s study. Pressing her ear to the door, she listened for any sign of life inside. All clear—he wasn’t there. Akane slowly opened the door, slipped inside, and closed it behind her. Scanning the room for the bookshelf, her eyes landed on a notebook sitting atop the desk. On the cover, written in thick black marker, were the words “Top Secret Notebook.”
Top secret…? What’s in there…? Now Akane wanted to know. She really wanted to know. That notebook contained information Saito would surely want to keep hidden at all costs. What was he up to? Knowing Saito, it couldn’t be anything good. If she didn’t find out now, something disastrous might happen later.
Just a peek should be fine, right? Akane gulped, then opened the so-called top-secret notebook. On the first page was written “You’re that curious about me?”
Akane nearly ripped the notebook in two out of shock before stopping herself at the last moment. Destroying it would only prove that she had broken into his room—and in doing so, would play right into Saito’s hands. What irritated her even more was the smug self-portrait drawn next to the line, as if he’d predicted this exact scenario. Plus, for a self-portrait, it was way too handsome. That made it all the more infuriating.
From the second page on, it became a flipbook: a kineograph of what appeared to be Saito, flipping his hair back and repeating “You’re that curious about me?”
“Jeez. How much free time does this guy have?! Drawing a flipbook? While I’ve been busting my butt studying?!” Clutching this top-secret notebook (with a bonus flipbook), Akane quaked with rage.
Then, she heard a voice from behind.
“Decent likeness, right?”
“Aaaagh!” Akane jumped in fright. Turning around, she saw Saito standing there.
“Wh-what’s wrong? No need to be that surprised,” he said.
“N-no! You’ve got it all wrong! I’m not a spy or anything!”
“…Spy?” Saito blinked, confused.
“I won’t fall into your trap so easily! If I’m going down anyway, I’ll jump!” cried Akane, rushing to the window.
“Wait, hold on—calm down! What are you panicking about?” Saito grabbed her arm before she could open it.
“Don’t play dumb! You set out a decoy notebook knowing I’d sneak in, didn’t you?!”
“That notebook’s just for doodles, but I still didn’t want anyone to see it, so I labeled it ‘Top Secret,’” Saito explained.
“Wait…so…you didn’t notice?”
“Notice what?” said Saito. He blinked, clearly confused.
Akane let out a long sigh. So it was all in my head, she thought.
“I-I just… I wanted to ask if you had any interesting books to recommend. Something fun you’ve read recently.” If she’d just asked him that directly from the start, this whole thing could’ve been so much simpler. She couldn’t let Saito feel superior, though, so she’d gone through all this nonsense instead.
“Hmm… A History of Humanity Through Food and Weapons was pretty funny,” said Saito, placing a thick academic tome in Akane’s arms.
“Whoa, it’s so heavy! Is this really the kind of book you laugh your way through?!”
“Totally. It’s filled with the tragic stupidity of humankind, endlessly warring and destroying themselves.”
“You are so full of yourself! Who do you think you are?”
“I’m an observer of the world,” said Saito matter-of-factly.
“Observer…?” Akane wasn’t sure what he even meant by that, but it definitely sounded pretentious. Akane almost handed the book right back, but she remembered she was doing this for Himari’s sake and held her tongue.
“Anything else? Something lighter, maybe?” she asked.
“I read this for fun—The Conflict Between Übermensch and Ressentiment: The Fate of the Victors,’” said Saito, handing her another hefty hardback.
“Übermensch and…Ressentiment? So a hero story, huh? Kind of childish,” muttered Akane.
“It’s not about superheroes. It’s a work of philosophical theory that discusses Nietzsche’s concept of the Übermensch and applies it to real historical events and current affairs,” Saito explained.
“That’s not light reading at all!”
“What, you don’t know Uncle Nietzsche?” teased Saito.
“Of course I do! We covered him in ethics class!” shot back Akane, flustered and afraid he might start looking down on her.
“So you get it! What Uncle Nietzsche says is usually pretty savage, but he always gives you this great bird’s-eye view of society—it’s hilarious,” said Saito confidently.
Akane frowned. “Why are you laughing at society…? And what’s with ‘Uncle Nietzsche’? That’s way too chummy.”
“Better than calling him just ‘Nietzsche’—this way he sounds friendlier and more relatable.”
“How come you’re so close with this philosophical giant?” Akane still couldn’t make sense of how his brain worked.
Then Saito’s face lit up. “I’ve had no one to share my thoughts on the book with, so this is perfect. Just skim it and let me know what you think.”
“…I’ll do what I can,” Akane muttered, hugging the headache-inducing book to her chest as she retreated from Saito’s study.
Class 3-A, the next day.
Himari let out a dramatic sigh. “I went to the library and borrowed that book you recommended, but, like…I couldn’t understand any of it. It felt like I was reading in a foreign language!”
“It’s needlessly complicated. Definitely not a casual read…” said Akane, collapsing face down on her desk out of exhaustion. She’d pushed herself to stay up late trying to understand that dense monstrosity of a book. Akane couldn’t bear the thought that something Saito understood could be beyond her reach.
Himari blinked in surprise. “Wait, you read it too, Akane?”
“Y-yeah…” said Akane awkwardly.
“Why?”
“Why? Well…”
I didn’t want Himari to be the only one who read it. That was the honest reason, but she couldn’t admit it. She didn’t even understand why it bothered her in the first place. The more she searched for a reason, the more that frustrating, uneasy feeling swelled up in her chest again.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t more helpful. I should’ve asked him for a recommendation that was easier to read.”
Himari beamed. “Nah, it’s totally fine! You helped a lot! I’ll just ask Saito-kun to explain it to me!”
“…Whuh?” Akane blinked.
“Be right back! Thanks for the convo starter!” Himari hugged the book to her chest and ran straight to Saito’s desk.
Akane couldn’t help but admire Himari’s boldness and social grace. She respected her for being able to ask Saito to explain something without shame—something Akane herself could never bring herself to do while she still felt inferior to him.
“Hey, hey! Saito-kun, you like this book, right? I tried reading it, but it’s way too hard. Could you explain some of it to me?” With a thud, Himari plopped the intimidating tome onto Saito’s desk.
Saito raised an eyebrow and looked at Himari. “You…can read?”
Himari pouted, puffing her cheeks. “Wow, rude! Yeah, I know I’m not the brightest, but that’s going way too far!”
“Sorry, sorry. I was just surprised. I didn’t think a gyaru like you would read books.”
“Sure, if they look interesting!” replied Himari cheerfully.
Saito questioned her, looking puzzled. “Wait, The Conflict Between Übermensch and Ressentiment looked interesting to the gyaru?”
“Um, well…it looked interesting in the contrary kind of sense, maybe?” said Himari, clearly flustered.