Summer vacation started, and Itoha still wasn’t talking to Rukana. Rukana knew that Itoha spent most of her afternoons alone at home during the summer, and she went over to her house on three occasions. No matter how many times she rang the doorbell, though, Itoha never answered. By the time she was walking home from her third attempt, Rukana was so upset that she decided she didn’t care anymore. She resolved herself to give up on Itoha and move on—only to make her way to Itoha’s favorite bug-hunting park the very next afternoon.
When Rukana arrived, she found a scrawny girl wearing black and blue clothes running around with a butterfly net, chasing something. Rukana called out to her, and the girl turned and stared at her with those black, hole-like eyes. Those eyes had gazed at Rukana countless times, and she’d fallen into their depths more often than she could count.
Rukana stepped toward Itoha, but Itoha retreated, swinging her butterfly net wildly. “Stay away,” she said.
Rukana was shocked. That wasn’t at all the reaction she’d expected. She was hurt and upset. She wanted to grab onto Itoha’s long black hair and pull with all her might. She wanted to push her over, get on top of her, and give her a few good punches. What right did Itoha have to be so needlessly cruel to her? It made no sense.
“Fine. I’ll stay right here,” Rukana said and stopped in her tracks. This was the right choice. She simply wanted to know why. “Can we talk, though? Or do you not want that, either?”
“…That’s not…,” Itoha began to speak, only to trail off. Then she hung her head and lowered her net.
“Why?” asked Rukana.
That was all she wanted. A reason. She didn’t want to accuse Itoha of anything. If she let her emotions get the better of her and said something too harsh, Itoha probably wouldn’t explain anything. She might even run away. Rukana did everything she could to speak carefully, making sure not to come across as if she was interrogating Itoha.
“Were you not home? Or were you there and just ignoring me? Did something happen? I just want to understand. I hate not knowing what’s going on. You know what I’m like—it’s just my personality or my nature, I guess.”
“…How are things going with Kogarezawa?” Itoha asked.
“We’ve talked on the phone. That’s all. I mean, it’s still summer vacation.”
“Oh.”
“What does he matter, though? Does something about him bother you? Do you not like him?”
Itoha shook her head. Her hair scattered wildly through the air. It was far too intense of a denial, and it left Rukana stunned. Just then, a possibility that had never even crossed her mind occurred to her. She’d assumed it was totally out of the question.
“Do you like Kogarezawa, Itoha?”
“N-no, I don’t.”
“But you don’t hate him, right?”
“…I don’t. I just—”
“Just what?”
Marihiko Kogarezawa was a remarkably voracious reader for a fifth grader and quite knowledgeable for his age. That along with his appearance were his most distinguishing traits. Rukana knew how well-informed he was, but she hadn’t known the full story. According to Itoha, he was interested in creatures of all shapes and sizes and even read the sort of specialized, technical books about them meant for adults.
“Kogarezawa knows all sorts of things about butterflies and moths, too,” said Itoha.
“But… But why do you know that?” asked Rukana.
“It was here. In this park… I was looking for butterflies…”
“Like you were just now?”
“…And then…Kogarezawa showed up and talked to me…”
He’d told her that her clothes made her look like a blue admiral. Apparently, he really liked them. Itoha had told him that she knew all about them and that she dressed like one on purpose. Kogarezawa had said he’d figured as much and laughed. He’d always had a feeling that she liked collecting insects, and he was the same. His dad took him on trips far out in the highlands, wetlands, and woods during spring and summer vacations. They’d go camping and spend all day catching bugs and fishing. He’d told her about how spreading honey on a tree could attract bugs and how amazed he’d been the first time he’d seen just how well it worked.
“And I thought…‘that must be so nice.’ I’ve never, ever gotten to do anything like that…”
Itoha’s parents were so busy they even worked through New Year’s and Obon—holidays that virtually everyone spent at home. Even when they had a rare day off, it was never at the same time. Itoha had only gone on a single overnight trip with her family since she started elementary school.
“That’s why I got jealous…and then Kogarezawa said…”
There was no way Kogarezawa could have known about Itoha’s home life, but it seemed he’d been able to guess the broad strokes. He’d paused to think, then said that Itoha could take trips like that, too. She was still just a kid, so she couldn’t go anywhere on her own just yet, but in two years, she’d be a middle schooler, and after three more, a high schooler. If she got a job and saved up money, she could go anywhere she wanted to. That was what he planned to do, as well. He wanted to go camping on his own, without his dad accompanying him.
“I always thought things would be like this forever…but he made me realize that might not be true. All sorts of things can change with time…and I thought maybe I could change, too…”
“So what?”
Rukana couldn’t let herself get emotional. She had to stay calm. She’d promised to keep her distance. She couldn’t start interrogating Itoha. So why couldn’t she stop herself?
“I never heard about any of this. When did it happen? Recently? It must’ve been before Kogarezawa asked me out, right? And you didn’t say anything. You kept it secret. Why? What for?”
“…I’m sorry,” said Itoha. She didn’t run away, but she did shrink back from Rukana and apologize. She felt guilty. She considered herself at fault.
“You could’ve just told me. How was I supposed to know if you never said a word? I can’t believe you kept this secret. I told you all about what happened to me, didn’t I? I told you all about how he asked me out and how I agreed to give it a try, right?”
“But, that’s not the same as…”
“Isn’t it, though? I told you everything. I never lied or kept secrets. I thought I could always share anything with you. But I guess you didn’t see it that way, huh? You kept secrets. You lied to me.”
“It wasn’t a lie or a secret—I just…”
“All you had to do was say that Kogarezawa talked to you and you thought he was kind of nice. If you’d just said that, I never would’ve agreed to go out with him.”
“That’s not it!” Itoha shouted. She yelled so loudly, it seemed like her lungs might burst. “You don’t get it at all, Rukana! I have tons of things I never told you! I have so many things I can’t talk to you about!”