What the...
I stood there, my mouth agape at the scene before me.
Prince Oz had mentioned he’d wanted to hold “title matches” in my name, and I’d wondered what kind of tournament he’d meant. But I couldn’t possibly have imagined the kind of match taking place in the arena below us—one of only two in the whole country.
“I love Saint Evelyn more!”
“No, I do! My love is greater than your fists!”
“I love you, Saint Evelyn! Marry me!”
“A man can’t just jump straight into marriage! That’s insane! Be friends first!”
What is happening...?
Not ten, not twenty, but countless men were brawling and shouting at one another. Each had his own weapon—brass knuckles, chain sickles, staves, swords, axes... But what were they doing, exactly? I couldn’t tell at all.
Fallen people were heaped on the ground, and the audience was cheering.
“Wow, this year’s SEBLT is on fire!” a man seated next to me said excitedly.
“Bacon lettuce tomato?” I blurted out.
The man gave me a surprised look. “No, no. It’s short for Saint Evelyn’s Battling Lovers Tournament, obviously. Everyone knows that.”
Do they?!
When I looked at Lord Theodore on the other side of me, he was nodding sagely at the man’s words.
They do!
“Um, what kind of competition is the, ah, SEBLT? Those people just look like they’re beating each other up...”
The man sighed deeply. “I can’t believe you’d call this noble sport ‘beating each other up’! You’re rather barbaric for such a pretty young lady.”
“I-I’m sorry.”
The man collected himself and explained, “The SEBLT is a tournament where people pour their unending love for Saint Evelyn into their swords, fists, and magic, then beat their love rivals into submission.”
That’s not beating each other up?!
“This year there were so many contestants that they’ve split the preliminaries into four blocks, with one winner from each block advancing to the semifinals.”
“How many contestants are there?”
“Four hundred, even after using a lottery system to narrow it down by a ton.”
My vision went dark. F-Four hundred...
How could four hundred people participate in such a ridiculous event? I was in complete disbelief!
At a distance, I spotted what appeared to be a group of foreign dignitaries sitting in the VIP section, with Prince Oz beside them. I had pretty good eyesight, so I could somewhat read the prince’s lips.
“Why—is—this—happening,” I read. Yes, I know exactly how Your Highness feels...
By the time the first block’s melee reached its conclusion, I was starting to feel dizzy, and so, it seemed, was the prince. A man sitting in the announcer’s booth grabbed the microphone and, in an excited, high-pitched voice, introduced the next block’s contestants. Thanks to the magical sound-amplifying device, his booming cries could be clearly heard across the entire venue.
“And now for Block B’s most anticipated contestant! Loudly declaring her feelings for Saint Evelyn since her mother’s womb, this beautiful young lady stampedes down the path of love with mad devotion! Wearing an outfit adorned with Saint Evelyn’s very own mud, iiit’s Europaaa Catéee!”
The crowd cheered uproariously.
Gallantly walking into the arena, basking in the clamoring, was...
“I shall claw out every last one of your hearts! Kindly prepare to meet your maker!”
...Lady Europa (mud ver.), raising her middle fingers and spouting statements completely unbecoming of a noblewoman.
“Lady Europa,” the announcer said, “murder is prohibited under tournament rules!”
“Oh, worry not! I’ll use my magic to heal them! Not that I can do that if they’re dead!”
Despite her utterly outrageous behavior and words, Lady Europa’s valor had the crowd in a frenzy.
“Lady Europa sure is popular,” I muttered.
“She is,” Lord Theodore confirmed. “Europa is known throughout the country as Evelynity’s most fanatical zealot.”
What the heck is Evelynity?
But I couldn’t bring myself to probe any further. My brain was already at the limit of its processing power.
It was then that I saw another familiar face among the contestants of Block B and snapped to my feet.
“Kira!” Why is he participating?!
Had someone made him do it?
And he wasn’t the only one! Upon closer inspection, I saw not only Lady Europa (+ mud) and the reluctant-looking Kira but also the high priest vigorously swinging his staff, Prince Igna holding his nose, other priests, and... Wait. I knew all of those people!
At that moment, almost as if sensing my question, the announcer explained, “Block B features only those who have laid eyes upon Saint Evelyn! This may as well be the finals, ladies and gentlemen!”
Murmurs began to rise from the audience.
“They saw Saint Evelyn?!”
“Ugh! I’m so jealous!”
“If I gouged out the eyeballs of the weakest-looking guy there and pocketed them, would that count as laying eyes on her, you think...?”
A chill ran down my spine. Eek!
“Hmm... Maybe I should participate, just to make a point,” came an unbelievable mutter next to me.
I pinched Lord Theodore’s arm.
“Ow! L-Lady Evelyn...?”
“Absolutely, definitively, do not do something so dangerous!” I snapped.
“But as the man who’s proposed to you, I can’t just quietly sit here and— Ow! I mean, it doesn’t really hurt, but...!”
“I’d much prefer it if you didn’t get hurt over something so pointless!”
“Pointless,” he echoed, stunned.
But at least he gave up on his last-minute participation attempt. While that was a relief, I was still terribly worried about Kira down in the arena. If he got hurt...
I clasped my hands. Kira, just run! Ugh, where’s Lord Jackson and why didn’t he stop this?!
“I don’t get it,” Kira muttered with a sour expression. He was very, very quiet, but the arena seemed to be outfitted with microphones, so I could hear him clearly even from this distance.
He looked around at all the puzzled Block B participants.
“Evelyn would be scared of you violent thugs.”
“Ngh!” all the Block B participants groaned in unison, collapsing backward.
Then Kira looked at the audience. “And she doesn’t like this kind of fighting either.”
When he added that I was anxious and a crybaby, even the spectators all crumpled at once.
Immediately, sobs and apologetic cries began to echo from every direction.
“I can’t believe how shallow and selfish we are, thinking only about slaughtering our opponents...!” Lady Europa lamented.
“That boy is right!” the high priest said. “When Saint Evelyn saw me nearly dead after tumbling down the stairs, she was so sad!” He sobbed openly. “What have I done?!”
Lady Europa joined the high priest in weeping. Nobody seemed concerned about appearances.
I’m not sure what’s happening, but...they seem contrite, I guess...?
Kira’s words seemed to have temporarily restored their collective sanity. Good! I breathed a sigh of relief.
The announcer, still shouting, was also sniffling.
“I-I’m afraid only Kira and Prince Igna are still standing, so it’s down to a one-on-one between them!” He sobbed. “I’m so sorry, Saint Evelyn...”
Kira and Prince Igna both sighed.
“I just wanna go home already,” Kira muttered.
“Same. I’m not interested in Evelyn or whoever.”
At Prince Igna’s words, the somewhat relaxed atmosphere of the venue instantly turned murderous.
“Your Highness,” Lady Europa whispered as she slowly stood up. “Now you, I cannot possibly understand.”
Her aggressive tone seemed to echo the feelings of the entire crowd, but Prince Igna had no situational awareness whatsoever and was bashfully rubbing under his nose.
“Your verbal abuse is all I ever think of,” he said.
“I’ll crush that useless brain and feed it to sewer rats!”
“Ngh...!”
Prince Igna fell to his knees and a red puddle began to form around him.
Lady Europa continued mercilessly, “Yes, even the poor sewer rats, left with no choice but to eat Your Highness’s nasty brain, would have reverence for Saint Evelyn in their hearts. You’re garbage. You’re worse than sewer rats. Trash! Scum, filth, gnat, vermin!”
“Yes! More! Disparage me, Europa...!”
From the VIP seats, Prince Oz was mouthing, “Why are my brothers like this?”
I quietly lowered my gaze. He had my condolences.
But then shocking statements came from the arena.
“Oh...? Is that Saint Evelyn’s scent I detect on the wind?” Lady Europa asked.
“So you noticed too, Rupy,” the high priest said. “I can sense Saint Evelyn’s magical power nearby...”
The two were rabid, their wide eyes searching everywhere. Oh no!
“Lord Theodore, we must run!” I said, pulling his arm.
We fled from our seats at breakneck speed.