“Huh?”
“S-Saint Evelyn...?”
They all looked at me, confused.
“Now listen here!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. “Stairs are dangerous! Don’t just run down a staircase like that!”
Perhaps because I was yelling so loud, everyone froze as though struck by lightning. I went around flicking each of their foreheads. One by one, they sat down helplessly on the stairs. It...was probably a bit disrespectful to do that to men older than me, really, but no matter! I had to make them all think about what they’d done!
“You especially, Your Eminence! You’re an elderly man! You must watch your step!”
“Saint Evelyn...”
“I’m the one who should be saying that I thought I’d never see you again! I finally came back, and...I thought I was watching you all die...”
My nose stung as I spoke. I didn’t want to cry, but my vision was already growing blurry.
“Saint Evelyn, you’re cryi—”
“Shut uuuuuup!” I snapped, flicking the priest’s forehead before he could finish. He was old enough to be my father, but no matter! No mercy!
He clutched his chest and collapsed, mumbling weirdly, “Ngh... She’s so cute...”
“Stop talking nonsense! Think about what you did!”
“Sooo cute! I love her!”
“Stupiiid!” What are they doing?! I’m angry here!
The angrier I got, the more the priests looked at me as though I were a puppy frolicking through a field. How utterly vexing!
“Flick me too!” Lady Europa pleaded. “About a million times, if you would!”
“W-Well, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, might I request a flick as well?” Lord Theodore muttered.
Stooooop!
Now there was a line forming in the corner! I ignored Lord Theodore and Lady Europa and continued to tearfully flick the priests’ foreheads.
After flicking so much that my fingers got tired, I was led into the Grand Basilica by the priests, who looked almost entranced. Lady Europa had already explained my circumstances since leaving the basilica, and thanks to that, they granted permission for Lord Theodore and Kira to enter too.
This brings me back... I thought as we walked through the marble corridors. I’d only been away for ten days or so, but it really felt like coming home after a long time.
“Saint Evelyn is even lovelier than before! I love her!”
“What are you saying? Saint Evelyn has been positively angelic since age five!”
“Do you think if I prostrate myself she’ll flick me again?”
“Shut up, you annoying lot!” the high priest snapped. “Saint Evelyn is my dear granddaughter! Ugh, how I want to squish her!”
Maybe it feels like a long time because things have changed so much around here.
The priests I remembered were serious and silent, as one would expect from those in religious service. They...were not like that anymore. But perhaps this was their true nature. Had they been forcing themselves to be stoic around me before? I kind of felt sorry for them...
“Lady Evelyn, it’s dangerous here,” Lord Theodore whispered in my ear as he shot sharp glances at the surrounding priests. “Don’t leave my side.”
Our exchange didn’t escape the high priest’s strangely keen attention. He narrowed his eyes. “Young man. What do you think you’re doing, acting like Saint Evelyn’s beloved?”
“I won’t lie. I do wish to become her beloved.”
Ngaaah!!!
The atmosphere stirred at Lord Theodore’s straight-faced declaration.
“Y-You,” the high priest yelled. “Are you in love with Saint Evelyn?!”
“I am,” Lord Theodore confirmed. “I am fond of her. More so than anyone.”
Eeeyaaagh!!!
This was too much! There was no way I could keep a straight face!
Lord Theodore gingerly grasped my right hand. “It’s all right, my lady. Whatever happens, I will be your shield.”
It’s not all right in the least, and it’s entirely your fault!
Not that I had the composure to say such a thing out loud. Instead, I just nodded frantically, which for some reason made the priests get even more agitated. Mutters rose all around us.
“Everyone, calm down, please!” Lady Europa said, her voice crystal clear. “I understand your agitation quite well. But let us postpone Lord Theodore’s trial.”
“Wait, Europa, I’m being put on trial?”
“Of course! Saint Evelyn is revered as an idol the country—no, the world over! Everyone knows dating an idol is a serious crime.”
I was a saint, not an idol...
While I debated whether to protest, we reached the Grand Basilica’s great hall. They’d already informed me that Prince Oz would be waiting here, but seeing the figure of another man next to the young prince’s wheelchair made me squeeze Lord Theodore’s hand tightly.
“E-Evelyn!”
There he was. My former fiancé, with bandages around his head, calling out my name in a strange, squeaky voice. I was floored.
“Step back, my lady!” Lord Theodore said, eyeing Prince Alex warily while trying to protect me. “That man is suspicious!”
I tried to explain. “N-No, Lord Theodore, that man is—”
“E-Evelyn! I’m, uh, I’m really sorry. I’ve been thinking about things. You know, things. All sorts of them,” he mumbled nonsensically, not getting through to me at all.
Wh-Why is he half naked? Why does he look like he just barely survived a journey across the savanna?
To be fair, Prince Igna was lying face up beside him, spurting blood from his nose. That was probably how Prince Alex had gotten all the bloodstains. It certainly added to the atmosphere.
Flanked by his two creatures—er, brothers—Prince Oz was staring blankly ahead.
“Saint Evelyn... I must find Saint Evelyn... Or I won’t...survive...”
Aaand he was also muttering. Yikes.
“Prince Alex?” I called out, trying to see if intelligible conversation was still possible.
His eyes immediately filled with tears, and he was struck speechless for a few moments. Then, he wiped his eyes several times and said, “S-Sorry. It’s been so long since someone called me ‘prince,’ so I wasn’t expecting...”
“Uhh...”
“That’s right. That’s my title...”
“Um...”
“It’s a great title. Prince. Crown prince. Ha ha... Ha ha ha... I’m the crown prince!”
What happened to him?
Prince Alex was bawling like a baby. All right, then. He wasn’t sane either. I turned back to the high priest behind me.
“Your Eminence, Prince Alex told me that Mary would be the next saint.”
The high priest’s expression went from enamored to something else entirely.
“But...miasma is rising in Semme, the next town over,” I continued. “Is Mary still carrying out her duties?”
“I must humbly report that Mary Safka is imprisoned in the royal palace’s dungeon,” the high priest said. “She has been arrested for the heinous crime of impersonating the saint.”
I figured...
When Karin mentioned that someone who sounded like Mary had been causing trouble and declaring herself the saint, I’d surmised she would meet such a fate. Not only had I selfishly vanished, I’d also let my own family cause everyone all kinds of trouble. I bowed my head repeatedly to all the priests.
“I’m so sorry about my sister!” I said.
“Oh, please, Saint Evelyn! You need not apologize!” one of the priests said.
“He’s right!” the others chorused.
The high priest’s white eyebrows drooped apologetically. “It’s our fault that you suffered the misfortune of being exiled from the Grand Basilica. We didn’t know how lonely you felt until Rupy told us...”
Rupy? Who’s Rupy?!
It was no use. The words were just bouncing off my head again.
Amid my confusion, I saw a familiar beautiful girl offering the high priest a luminous smile. “Your Eminence, I am but a tiny speck of plankton who loves Saint Evelyn dearly, and as such, I understand your feelings completely. It is only natural to want to punish those who would try to take advantage of others and crush them into a bloody, unrecognizable pulp. I would have done the same.”
“Oh, Rupy!” the high priest said. “Merci beaucoup, truly, mon amie.”
“Pas de problème, good sir.”
Ohh! Rupy is Lady Europa! I see!
Hadn’t she only just met the priests? They seemed to be getting very friendly.
But what do I do? I have no idea what else they said!
Flustered, I turned to Kira, who was mid-yawn.
“Hey, Kira,” I whispered. “Did you understand any of that?”
“I understood that the weird lady has a weird nickname,” he replied.
Oh, thank goodness.
Kira was smart, so if he only understood as much as I did, well... That made me feel better.
“Ah! Saint Evelyn! Is that her?!”
“Prince Oz?”
The spark of intelligence had returned to the prince’s eyes, which were focused now. It was like he’d just returned from another plane of existence. What a relief! He was literally the only one of the princes who could be called even remotely reasonable.
“Lady Evelyn,” he began, his expression serious. “There’s something I must urgently discuss with you. Could you spare me a few minutes?”
“Y-Yes, of course,” I said with a nod.
“Thank you,” he replied, smiling weakly. “Now, brothers, please leave.”
“What?” Alex protested. “Come now, Oz. I want to hear what—”
“Sorry, you’re just really in the way.”
Alex stared at Oz in silence for a moment, then, sniffling, grabbed Prince Igna and dragged him out of the room.
After that, we discussed certain matters, and Prince Oz made various decisions while giving serious consideration to my concerns. It was settled that I would formally step down from the position of saint—and that a certain someone would inherit the role.