Chapter 52:
To Plunge into the Abyss with Him
XIE QINGCHENG had no way of knowing that, due to the destruction of He Yu’s perceived reality and the obliteration of his articles of faith, he had been seized by the urge to overturn his former principles entirely from the inside out. But even so, the moment He Yu pinned him down, without even blinking, Xie Qingcheng still reached out with his unrestrained hand to grab a nearby wine bottle and smash it against the nearest surface.
He Yu’s eyes darkened. “What are you doing?”
Xie Qingcheng was already on fire with scalding lust from the Plum Fragrance 59. He felt like the uncontrollable physiological reactions were breaking him down, but he was hardly the type to submit so easily.
He didn’t say anything, only continued to pant for breath as he stared up at He Yu with panther-like eyes. Then, he picked up that broken wine bottle and stabbed it into his own forearm without flinching!
Blood gushed from the wound.
Xie Qingcheng squeezed his eyes shut and bit down hard on his pale lower lip. The agonizing pain just barely shocked him out of the quicksand of desire. Chest heaving, Xie Qingcheng slowly set down the bloody weapon and leaned back against the tea table.
He Yu stared at him with an ugly look on his face. He watched as Xie Qingcheng gasped for breath, taking in in the taut stretch of his dress shirt, his wine-stained collar, his bleeding arm.
As He Yu stared, he tightened his grip on Xie Qingcheng’s arm. Warm droplets of blood slowly seeped through his fingers.
Silence fell over them both.
In this moment of lucidity, Xie Qingcheng strove to control his breathing as he looked at the youth in front of him through teary eyes.
After a moment’s pause, he rasped, “He Yu, let me ask you… You actually are bothered by the things that I said in those old videos, aren’t you?”
He Yu didn’t say a word. He let Xie Qingcheng’s blood drip like tears from his fingers, each drop splashing onto the cold tiled floor.
It wasn’t just the old videos, he thought.
He’d seen nearly all the messages Xie Qingcheng had sent during those few years.
In the end, He Yu just sneered. “You’ve already asked me this question, and I’ve already told you the answer. I don’t care. Who still cares about all that?”
“But you’re not very good at lying. If you really didn’t care, you wouldn’t be acting like this today.” Xie Qingcheng was still panting, sweat beading on his face. He knew that his composure wouldn’t last. He had to use the brief time he’d bought himself to persuade He Yu to act more rationally, or at least with a little more lucidity.
He Yu was silent.
“Little devil… To be honest, back then…”
It took a lot out of Xie Qingcheng to talk about such things. The drug was too strong—it quickly relaunched its conquest over his blood, flowing to the very tips of his fingers. Xie Qingcheng squeezed his eyes closed, and when he opened them again, they were misted over with pain. But still, he suppressed the agony, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed thickly.
“Back then…the reason I didn’t want to stay on as your personal physician wasn’t because I found you appalling or frightening. It wasn’t because I was worried that you would become the next Yi Beihai to my Qin Ciyan. It wasn’t any of those things. You were already fourteen when I left you, He Yu. I could accompany you for seven years, or even another seven, but could I accompany you for a lifetime? Staying by your side after you graduate and start work, after you get married and have children… That’s not realistic. I’m only a doctor. Sooner or later, you’ll have to depend on yourself to walk out of the shadows in your heart. That’s what I believe, and it’s why I left.”
Xie Qingcheng paused, holding He Yu’s silhouette in his eyes.
“He Yu… I think you probably understand this. How many people have it easy in this world? You don’t need to look any further than the foyer of a hospital, the doorway of an ICU, or the entrance of a trauma center. I know that you’re in pain, but at least you’re alive. You shouldn’t…”
But right now, He Yu didn’t fully understand what Xie Qingcheng meant to say. He was burning up so fiercely that his ice-cold heart was scalding with it; he’d never experienced a rage so fiery before. He viciously grabbed a fistful of Xie Qingcheng’s short hair and sharply yanked him up from the floor. “You’re saying that I shouldn’t what? What shouldn’t I do?! Xie Qingcheng… Do you really have any idea how much pain I’m in? Numb and closed-off, with no control over my emotions—during a flare-up, I don’t even know who I am! I’m completely hollow, it’s like my insides have rusted away or been gnawed empty. Not a moment goes by where I don’t think about just ending it all. I’ve told you this before. Over the course of those seven years, I described it to you countless times…but you still have no idea what it’s like.
“Why did you agree to treat me, huh? Since you think that I should go look at a hospital, that my suffering is nothing compared to those patients’, why did you agree? Did you think it was interesting? The rarest disorder on Earth, Psychological Ebola, without a single identical case in even the records of Yanzhou’s oldest hospitals. How fascinating, Professor Xie. You found this clinical specimen novel enough to add a splash of color to your research portfolio, didn’t you?!”
He Yu kept his voice low, but the light in his eyes trembled with fury.
“The patients you talk about—whether they’re cancer patients or people with ALS, at least everyone understands the kinds of illness they have and how severe the symptoms are. They can find people who share the same suffering, huddle together for warmth, and encourage each other…but what about me? I’m just a research specimen to you people, an interesting lunatic, a beast in a cage. Is it refreshing, Xie Qingcheng? Leaving once you’re done gawking and having fun? You even tried to deceive me with some ridiculous lies as a parting gift! And now you’re still trying to tell me what I shouldn’t do or what I’m allowed to do. Don’t you find it cruel, Xie Qingcheng?!”
A nearly imperceptible flicker of light seemed to flash through Xie Qingcheng’s eyes at this cutting interrogation, but as he lowered his lashes, that faint glimmer quickly disappeared without a trace.
“I still feel that way, He Yu,” he said. “As long as you’re alive and still want to save yourself, no matter how lonely or painful it is, you’ll always manage to make it through. That is, unless you choose to give up on yourself even before you die. A human heart can be very strong, He Yu. You shouldn’t believe in me. You should always believe in your own heart.”
“Easy for you to say.” He Yu stared into Xie Qingcheng’s eyes. Every word was accompanied by the metallic scent of blood, as though it had been flayed from his hatred. “Easy for you to say…Xie Qingcheng. You’re neither sick nor in pain. You’re just wagging your tongue and criticizing me for giving up. What do you know? If you were the one suffering the torment of this disease, how much better would you do? Xie Qingcheng, you’re the one who loves washing your hands of matters and disappearing without a trace. You’re the one who left the He family because you couldn’t cure me. You’re the one who resigned and switched professions at the first sign of trouble.”
Every word was sharpened to pierce through Xie Qingcheng’s harsh dignity. “Your hypocrisy disgusts me. You’ve been pretending for so many years… Even now, you’re still pretending!”
One could have said that He Yu had still possessed a shred of rationality before. But at this moment, he was fully consumed by fury.
He grabbed Xie Qingcheng’s messy hair with no care for his grimace of pain, then dragged him up and tossed him onto the more spacious of the long sofas beside the marble table. Then, he silently turned and drew out the other yet-unopened bottle of Plum Fragrance 59 and uncorked it without the slightest expression on his face.
Xie Qingcheng’s head nearly blew up from rage at the sight of that strong liquor. The heat of desire was already making him fall apart after chugging one bottle of the stuff, but here He Yu was, opening another fucking bottle!
“What the hell do you want…!” At this point, even Xie Qingcheng had a note of fear in his voice. He summoned all the strength in his limp, helpless body to try to pull himself into an upright position.
But before he managed to sit up, He Yu brought over the bottle of liquor. He didn’t even bother with wine glasses, he just grabbed Xie Qingcheng by the jaw.
Xie Qingcheng, who was nearing his breaking point, went pale as a sheet at the sight of that Western-style bottle, bigger than his face. Finally giving up on having a proper conversation, he started furiously cursing. “You little bastard, you fucking lunatic, if you don’t want this to end up being a murder scene you’d better get the fuck out of here—”
“That’s right, I am a lunatic,” said He Yu emotionlessly. “Did you only just find out? Well, it’s too late.” With that, He Yu tipped his head back to take a large gulp from the bottle himself. Then he pried Xie Qingcheng’s teeth apart and force-fed the chokingly pungent Plum Fragrance 59 to Xie Qingcheng from his own mouth.
Xie Qingcheng struggled so hard that half the liquor ended up on the floor and most of the rest ended up on his clothes. Even though he didn’t drink much of it, it was still strong enough to make him choke. Once He Yu let go of him, Xie Qingcheng slumped across the sofa and started coughing violently, as if trying to force all the oxygen from his lungs.
Liquor mixed with blood, and blood mingled with sweat.