Chapter 45:
He Didn’t Care Whether He Lived or Died
SURE ENOUGH, He Yu refused to see Xie Qingcheng.
It was as though he was determined to evaporate completely from Xie Qingcheng’s life—every message Xie Qingcheng sent him was like a pebble dropped into a bottomless sea. Xie Qingcheng had gone to the hospital, but He Yu was unaccustomed to the hubbub of public hospitals and had been quickly transferred to a private clinic. There, Xie Qingcheng found himself barred at the door.
The next few days were also extremely chaotic for Xie Qingcheng.
Xie Xue, Chen Man, the old neighbors who were worried about him, his colleagues, his supervisor… All sorts of people sought him out to ask him just what had happened that night and why his face would be projected onto a broadcasting tower by a criminal organization. On top of all that, he was also summoned to the police department from time to time for further questioning and to complete the necessary procedures.
He knew that the internet was having a field day over this incident, but it had surprisingly little effect on him, as he had absolutely no time whatsoever to sit down and check social media.
Naturally, Xie Xue gave him a lengthy phone call, sobbing the whole time. She asked him where he was so she could come find him, only for him to reject the idea point-blank by refusing to tell her his exact location.
Fortunately, Xie Xue had never seen pictures of their parents’ murder scene. In order to protect her, Xie Qingcheng hadn’t described their parents’ deaths to her in concrete detail; he didn’t want her to become like him, ensnared by endless despair. Xie Qingcheng wished for her to know as little as possible.
Chen Man also came to see him.
Chen Man was different from Xie Xue in that he knew all the facts of the situation. He was the first to drop by when Xie Qingcheng was still undergoing his first round of interrogation. He didn’t belong to Zheng Jingfeng’s department, so he’d had to take time off to rush over. The moment he stepped through the door, he immediately pulled Xie Qingcheng into a hug. He was an impulsive person, but it took him an unexpectedly long time to force out a few muffled words.
“Ge, are you trying to scare me to death?”
Xie Qingcheng noted the dark stubble covering his jaw; it seemed that these past few days, this kid hadn’t even bothered to groom himself properly. Sighing, he patted Chen Man on the back.
Later on, as the investigation drew to a close, Chen Man once again came to give Xie Qingcheng a ride home.
That day, Xie Xue had originally planned on coming along as well, but due to the continuous stress she had been under she was feeling rather ill; Xie Qingcheng had her take sick leave and return to Moyu Alley where she could rest under the care of Auntie Li. He returned to the Huzhou Medical’s faculty dormitory with Chen Man.
The university’s faculty housing was assigned based on seniority, and Xie Qingcheng’s living accommodations were more spacious than Xie Xue’s. Of course, Xie Xue’s dorm was filled with a mess of random junk, whereas Xie Qingcheng’s bachelor apartment was essentially just four bare walls, utterly cold and cheerless.
“Ge, you should rest and lie down for a while. I’ll go make you something to eat.”
Chen Man stepped into the kitchen. He’d been to Xie Qingcheng’s dorm a few times and was familiar with the place.
As the range hood whirred to life, Xie Qingcheng lay down on the sofa in exhaustion. Dimly, he felt that this scenario seemed a bit familiar. It was only later that he remembered: the day he had an allergic reaction to mango and got a fever, He Yu had come over and busied himself in the kitchen just like this.
Xie Qingcheng opened the address book on his phone, swiping past his pile of unread messages until he finally reached He Yu’s name. Their chat history was still frozen on the messages he had sent He Yu inquiring after his condition.
He Yu still hadn’t responded.
After a moment’s contemplation, Xie Qingcheng dug up He Yu’s phone number from his address book and called him once again. As expected, the line went dead after a few rings.
Xie Qingcheng sighed softly. He didn’t even know how to coax women, much less a sulky young man. Not to mention, this was a young man who wasn’t just angry right now, but also hurt and despairing. Not knowing what to do, he pressed a hand against his forehead for a long, long while. Then he wearily set his phone aside and turned to enter the bathroom.
After he’d washed up and come back out dressed in a bathrobe, Chen Man was in the living room setting the table.
“Ge, do you want…” Chen Man looked up as he spoke, and his words came to an abrupt stop. He saw Xie Qingcheng wearing a snow-white bathrobe, leaning lethargically against the window frame as he lit the cigarette held between his lips.
Xie Qingcheng’s hair was still dripping wet, but he couldn’t be bothered to dry it. Shimmering droplets of water pregnant with some unspeakable, hidden desire rolled down his neck, slowly melting into the shadow beneath the collar of his bathrobe.
Xie Qingcheng was in a rather poor frame of mind, so he didn’t pay much attention to his appearance. He took a drag of his cigarette and coughed quietly as he turned to look at Chen Man. “What were you about to say?”
“Oh, I-I said…” Chen Man’s face had turned red, but unfortunately, between his own terrible mental state and the room’s dim lighting, Xie Qingcheng didn’t notice.
“I said, do you want any vinegar? I cooked some dumplings.”
Xie Qingcheng said absentmindedly, “Anything is fine.”
Chen Man bolted back into the kitchen, turning so quickly he nearly tripped over a power strip.
Meanwhile, Xie Qingcheng carried on leaning against the window and finished his cigarette. Then, after a moment’s consideration, he sent He Yu yet another message.
“About the matter at the archives, I still want to say thank you.”
Flakes of cigarette ash floated through the air, carried off by the wind like sea jellies gently drifting through water. Xie Qingcheng gazed silently at his screen for a while, then added, “I’m the one who didn’t think things through. I’m sorry.”
He knew that what He Yu wanted to hear might not necessarily be these two sentences. He Yu had been deeply hurt by the things that he had said in that video. But Xie Qingcheng didn’t know how he should go about explaining himself. He couldn’t explain even if he wanted to.
“Ge, the dumplings are ready. Come and eat.”
Turning off his phone screen, Xie Qingcheng walked over to the dining table.
The dumplings Chen Man cooked had been wrapped and delivered by Auntie Li. Thin skins encased a healthy dollop of spring bamboo shoots and pork blended in aspic jelly. Chen Man had scooped the dumplings out and dished the soup into a separate bowl so that the food would cool faster. Exhausted and starving, Xie Qingcheng inhaled some thirty dumplings in a single breath.
It was only now that Chen Man said quietly, “Xie-ge, you need to stop doing things like this. Do you remember how you counseled me back when my brother passed? You told me that no matter how sad I was, there was no way I could change the past. That if I wanted to live on, I would have to pull myself back together again sooner or later.”
Xie Qingcheng didn’t respond.
“You talked to me about what happened to your mom and dad then, too… I was just a kid back then and I was slow on the uptake, so I asked you why you didn’t keep pursuing the trail. You said that getting an answer was very important, but there were times when a person couldn’t remain bogged down in the mud for the sake of an answer. You desperately wanted to know the true reason your parents died, the identity of the killer who orchestrated their murders… But if you were to risk it all for that endeavor, it would’ve been impossible for you to continue supporting your family. You still had a sister, and…”
“Xie Xue has grown up,” Xie Qingcheng said. “If this were ten years ago, I would resist the urge to demand the truth, because the cost of obtaining it might be something I couldn’t afford to pay. But Xie Xue is an adult now, and I don’t have a wife or child to raise. I’ve been selfish for nineteen years, but now that I finally have no attachments to worry about anymore, there was no way I could turn a blind eye when the clues to my parents’ murder were right there.”
Chen Man very rarely raised his voice in front of Xie Qingcheng, but when he heard this, he could no longer hold back. “Ge, what the hell are you talking about? You’re saying that if you died now, it wouldn’t even matter, right? Because you successfully brought up your sister and saw us become independent, we’d just be able to accept it if you died, right?! Xie-ge, you… How could you say that?” His voice shook. “How could you think that?”
Xie Qingcheng gave no response.
Chen Man suddenly felt sincerely frightened by this man. Xie Qingcheng could make a plan that took into account the safety of everyone around him, but he wouldn’t factor in his own life at all. When he considered whether he could afford to die, his decision didn’t hinge on whether he wanted to live, but rather, if the people he was taking care of would be able to survive independently if he died.