Chapter 44:
Once
IT WAS AS IF that thirteen-year-old boy had once again appeared before his eyes—gazing at him, obstinate and helpless, as he silently restrained his feelings with all his might.
The day Xie Qingcheng left the He family, he felt he saw something precious in that youth’s eyes, something that didn’t just belong to a patient. But his heart was too hardened, and he wasn’t very sensitive to certain emotions in the first place. Besides, he had been caught up in so many other things at the time and hadn’t been inclined to consider a child’s feelings very carefully. Thus, he had instinctively doubted that those eyes contained emotions that transcended a doctor-patient relationship.
He’d had to leave.
He Yu was indeed someone he had sacrificed—someone he had abandoned.
Amidst the chaotic aftermath of Qin Ciyan’s murder, He Yu was the child that Xie Qingcheng had steeled his heart to leave behind…
Once, when that child had been dragged into a whirlpool by the undertow of his illness, he had looked at Xie Qingcheng with that same unwavering gaze. The look in He Yu’s eyes was like that of a fledgling dragon who had held out its little claw to humans and trusted them only to end up being deceived. Its wings were broken, its spine torn out, and its talons snapped. Injured, it lay on the rock in a daze, its little wings and claws caked with blood. But it was a dragon; in order not to lose face, it didn’t dare to wail too loudly.
He Yu was a prideful person, so he had said with as much self-control as he could muster, “Xie Qingcheng, in these past few years, I’ve gone through many doctors. They had me take medicine, gave me shots, and looked at me with an expression that said that I was a singular, unique patient. You were the only one who was different. You were the only one who treated me like someone who should integrate into society. You told me that taking medicine and getting shots weren’t the most important things, and that the most crucial step was to make connections with others and build up a strong sense of self—that’s the only way I can keep holding on. Xie Qingcheng, we’re not very close, but I still…”
Xie Qingcheng had said nothing when He Yu trailed off.
“I…I thought you saw me as a normal person with feelings, not just as a patient.”
Despite his prideful heart, He Yu had still been forced to say something so childish in the end.
“I have a lot of allowance, I can—”
I can hire you.
I can keep you here.
Could you please not leave?
Could you please stay with me?
At that time, Xie Qingcheng had thought that He Yu’s intense unwillingness to let him go was perhaps wholly due to Xie Xue. Perhaps even He Yu himself had thought the same.
But in reality, it wasn’t.
When Xie Qingcheng closed his eyes and thought back to that period of time, he remembered how he would sling a much younger He Yu over his shoulder when he refused to receive his shots or take his medicine, how He Yu’s scrambling hands would obediently relax, how he could almost feel the weight of the boy calmly going limp against his shoulder.
“Doctor Xie.”
“Xie Qingcheng.”
That voice had transformed from soft and immature to raspy as He Yu entered adolescence. Even later, it held a sorrow that was forcibly covered up with stubbornness and indifference: “Xie Qingcheng, you might not be mentally ill, but you’re even more heartless than me.”
You’re heartless…
My illness hasn’t gotten better yet. It’s still severe, so why did you abandon me…?
Bang! That earsplitting gunshot, the blood that spurted out and spilled over his palm, that young man’s coldly penetrating almond eyes in the darkness.
Doctor Xie, who would’ve thought that the truth would be like this…? To pretend for so many years… You’ve really worked hard.
When an abandoned, injured fledgling dragon gazed at the human who had trodden its innocence and enthusiasm underfoot, would it have an expression like this?
The warm weight on Xie Qingcheng’s shoulders seemed to fade away. He closed his eyes. The only heat that remained now was in the place where He Yu’s blood had splashed onto his palm.
Suddenly, someone spoke up from behind him. “You must be very tired.”
The weight on Xie Qingcheng’s shoulders returned as a hand pressed against that exact same spot.
He opened his eyes. He was in the police station. The person pressing a hand against his shoulder was Zheng Jingfeng. Amidst the chaos and hubbub, Xie Qingcheng had been lost in his memories of his past with He Yu.
It was already very late now. Xie Qingcheng was sitting in an interrogation room across from a young policeman who had already spent more than an hour recording his testimony. After greeting Zheng Jingfeng, the junior officer tidied up his files and left.
Xie Qingcheng wasn’t Zheng Jingfeng’s relative, but Zheng Jingfeng had been especially close to his parents, so he had recused himself from the investigation and only entered the interrogation room now.
“Want a smoke?” Zheng Jingfeng tentatively struck up a conversation with Xie Qingcheng.
“Yes, please,” Xie Qingcheng replied wearily.
Zheng Jingfeng passed him a cigarette and sat down opposite him. After lighting the cigarette, Xie Qingcheng bit down on the filter and slid the lighter back across the table.
As he took a drag, he slowly raised his exhausted eyes. Zheng Jingfeng met them. Even though he knew the man before him quite well, Zheng Jingfeng still found himself slightly unsettled by Xie Qingcheng’s gaze at that moment. It was too unyielding, too sharp. Like a dagger or a boulder. Like the eyes of his deceased mother and father.
Or perhaps it was even more unnerving. Because when Zheng Jingfeng looked at Xie Qingcheng now, after everything that happened tonight, those eyes didn’t hold much vulnerability at all. He only looked tired.
The hand that Zheng Jingfeng was using to light his cigarette trembled involuntarily.
“Why aren’t you saying anything?” Xie Qingcheng’s voice was slightly raspy, which at least made him seem a little more like a normal person. “You didn’t come in just to sit there.”
“Because I don’t feel like saying what I ought to say. You knew the risks, yet you still insisted on doing what you did.” Zheng Jingfeng heaved a sigh. “Plus, whether you believe it or not, I was thinking about how to comfort you the whole time before I came in. But now that I’m here, I’ve realized that it’s not really necessary.” Lao-Zheng looked at Xie Qingcheng’s practically expressionless face.