Pants-pisser or no, our Alexandricia was a damn brilliant chief.
There was no reason to expect anything to happen, of course, and if something did, I wouldn’t just sit idly by, no way. “I understand. I will do everything in my power to make sure our dealings with the bull-kin go well.”
“I expect nothing less. And if everything goes well…you’ll have your reward.”
Okay, she had to be doing that on purpose.
I rejoined Elpaco outside the village chief’s manor and we set out for home.
“Elpaco.”
“Uh. Yes?”
“You told me that you come from a canine race of beastmen. So that means you’re some kind of apeman, right? But crossed with what animal?”
Aside from humans and goblins, apparently most people in this fantasy world were beastmen and those were typically called “something-apemen.” Going by that logic, he was probably a dog, tanuki, or fox-apeman. Something like that. If there even were tanuki in this world. Were there? I knew jackal-headed apemen were called kobolds, and they ranked pretty high on the furry scale. Their faces looked pretty much exactly like a jackal’s. Fuzzball, though…
He sniffed. “A fox. I’m a foxling. I don’t like being called an apeman…”
“Oh, s-sorry. I didn’t know.”
There was something about him when he pouted that just looked so adorable. I mean, in a boyish way. Platonically adorable! “I’m sure you didn’t,” he said.
What made him so sure about that? Was that an insult?
“Do you know where beastmen come from, Shooter?”
“Nope, no idea. I’m just a hick from somewhere really, really far away, so I don’t know much about stuff like that. I guess there is a giant black mouse that’s really famous where I come from, but that’s about it.”
“A giant mouse?”
“We had those there,” I said, trying to divert Elpaco from asking about the world I came from.
“Really?” He looked up at me timidly, then got contemplative. “People say that dogmen were the first of all beastmen.”
“I guess they do say dogs are man’s best friend. I remember reading in some book that the first dogs to become domesticated split off from wolves.”
“Is that true? Humans are such self-absorbed creatures. A long time ago, the ancients went through a big drop in population, so they used magic to turn female dogs into humans. It…brought their population back up. That’s really gross, right?” Fuzzball added hurriedly, obviously wanting me to back him up.
He told the story so offhandedly that it kind of stunned me. What were those ancients thinking, man? That was straight-up depraved.
“They say that we foxlings appeared a long time after that,” he said quietly. “The minotaurs were born the same way.”
“So a cow was turned into a human and the children she had became the bull-kin. Wow. Humans have done some really dark things.”
On one hand, this was fascinating stuff. On the other hand, I wanted to throw humanity in a plastic bag and throw the bag in a river. I frowned right as we reached my hut. I leaned hard against the ill-fitted door to push it open.
“Oh, welcome home, Shooter. And you too, Elpaco!”
“Hey, hon. Boy is it good to be home.”
“Th-thanks for letting me stay with you.”
“Kwee!”
Fuzzball, who my new wife sweetly called by his proper name, cast his eyes down to the floor, seemingly embarrassed about something. Then again, teenage boys get embarrassed about everything.
“The hot water is ready. Would you like to take a bath?”
“Sure, why not?” I replied.
“You ought to join him, Elpaco.”
“Kwee kwee!”
I let my chubby little frilled lizard scuttle around at my feet, and then he started rubbing against my pants. Just like Basil, trying to ruin my best pair of pants for kicks!
“So what happened on your trip today?” asked Cassandra.
“We managed to meet up with the bull-kin, and the village chief decided we should hold a banquet three days from now.”
“Oh, my.”
“We have to go deer hunting tomorrow. And Cassandra—the village chief said that on the day of the banquet, you’ll have to serve the bull-kin drinks and chat with them,” I told her as I pulled off my vest, then reached for my pants.
Following my example, Elpaco also started to hesitantly undress. He had such a slight figure that he could have easily been mistaken for a girl. If I hadn’t been told, no way could I have known.
And then his clothes came off. Once he was undressed, Elpaco’s little nubbin was plain to see, foreskin and all. Thank goodness—after seeing him day after day, I’d started to worry what I saw on the road back from Bulka was some kinda penile hallucination.
“Now don’t be shy. You take your time and enjoy your bath. I have more water set to boil,” said Cassandra.
“Sounds good. You want me to wash your back, Elpaco?” I asked.
With Cassandra and I both encouraging him to get into the washtub, Elpaco gingerly slipped one leg into it, looking extremely flustered.
“N-no, that’s okay. I can get it myself.”
“True, you don’t want a filthy guy like me doin’ it. That wouldn’t be sexy at all. And you’re old enough to care about that stuff, ain’tcha!”
“It’s not that…”
“Would you like me to help you, then?” Seeing Elpaco’s reticence, Cassandra picked up our scrub brush and reached around Elpaco’s back.
“Wha—?”
“The water’s going to get cold if you don’t hurry up. Let’s get you washed up.”
“Kweee! Kweee!”
And so the job of washing Elpaco became a two-man job.
Before we finished, the chubby little frilled lizard had splashed his way into the tub. The warm water must have felt pretty good, because our little lizard closed his eyes slightly and took a big blorping poop right in the water. This was turning out to be an…eventful bath.
“Basil!”
“Kwee…”