Book 4 The Faint Yet Definite Effect of Alain on Happiness When she was in middle school, Minami had been a very timid girl. In bed at night, she would be startled awake whenever she heard a sound from the room next door or from upstairs and would lie there straining her ears to hear whatever small thing was rapping or rattling around, praying it would go away soon. She wouldn’t sleep a wink. Whenever an earthquake happened, she worried that the sounds were from aftershocks that would signal another, larger earthquake. It would collapse the apartment building where Minami, her father, her mother, and her little brother lived, trapping them in rubble and killing them. At night, she would sneak around unlocking all the windows in the apartment. After she did that, she would worry that a robber was going to come in during the middle of the night with a carving knife, and she would tremble until morning with her blanket over her head. Drops of rain falling on her face whenever she was walking outside terrified her; she feared that some awful disease had infected her and that her skin was going to melt off, so she carried an umbrella even on sunny days. Whenever someone shouted in a loud voice nearby, she felt as if she was being scolded and would shrink back and start shaking. Once when a small mole had appeared on her arm, her whole body froze out of fear that it was some serious skin disease, so she read every book about skin ailments that she could find. When she cut her finger with a kitchen knife while teaching herself to cook, she was plagued by nightmares of getting tetanus and needing to have her arm amputated. She was sure that a persistent cough signaled a disorder of the lungs and again read every medical book she could get her hands on. When her eyes hurt and she noticed small bits of dust dancing in the sunlight, she immediately suspected retinal detachment and ran to the bookstore near the station to look up information on the condition. When a blister on her tongue was taking a long time to heal, she suspected serious illness of the tongue. When she felt a lump in her breast, she palpated it again and again to check, and when she felt a constant pressure deep in her chest, she was sure it was heart disease and once again searched for information at the bookstore. Minami’s imagination would run wild whenever something went wrong with a part of her body, and she couldn’t help but bolt to the bookstore to look up whatever was scaring her. At the time, Minami was also sleep-deprived, had no appetite, and was nearly always suffering from some kind of health problem, so her days were filled with anxiety. It had all started when a serious earthquake had struck the region where Minami lived with her family. But a year had passed since the earthquake, and all the other children seemed to be living their lives happily just like before. Only Minami was still worrying over trivial matters and buying up all the volumes she could find in the store about illness—which was yet another thing that worried her. I’m weird. When will I be all right? Will I be like this forever? Minami made her purchases at Koumoto Books, near the train station. There had been a small bookseller about ten minutes from her house, but it had closed after the earthquake. Now there was a convenience store standing there. Many other stores besides that one had also closed after the earthquake. In those days, she worried that everyone would move away and the town would be left empty. Won’t Koumoto Books close, too? If it does, where will I be able to buy books? I don’t have a credit card to shop online, so I would have to ask my parents, and I can’t do that. The library makes you wait your turn for new books, so it’s hard to borrow them. Besides, libraries around here aren’t likely to even have the sorts of books I want, with the newest information on different diseases. And of course, the library at school won’t have them, either. If Koumoto Books disappears, I won’t be able to research illnesses. Whenever Minami anxiously pushed open the door of the slim three-story building sandwiched between other various-use buildings, she would see the place bustling with customers and feel relieved that the store didn’t seem to be in danger of closing any time soon. And the kind-looking man with glasses who wore an apron with the store’s name on it was always there behind the register on the first floor, greeting customers with a gentle smile. “Welcome!” There seemed to be a lot of customers who came just to talk to him. “Emon,” they called him. From old people down to small children—he answered them all with a bright smile. He was apparently the owner of the shop. When Minami entered the store, he smiled at her just as he did the other customers, but she would cast her pimple-covered face down and stagger past the register to the place where the books on disease were kept. After spending two or three hours there, she would purchase a single volume on her way out. The books she bought were more expensive than comic books or paperbacks, and Minami’s monthly allowance didn’t come close to covering the cost. That’s why she would use the extra cash she’d earned helping her mother and the money she’d saved from holidays. One day, her stomach was feeling upset, and she thought it was probably some sort of stomach disorder, so she flipped through every page of a book that had the name of a familiar disease written on the cover. Whenever Minami thought something was wrong with her body, she felt compelled to look up every illness she could think of. She could only relax once she’d confirmed that she didn’t have any of those illnesses. But the more she searched, the more she read about symptoms that seemed to match her own, so she just got more worried. She felt a sharp pain in her chest when that happened, as if someone were crushing her with both hands, and it got hard to breathe. It hurts. I can’t stand it. So I really am sick. I’m going to die. I hate this. I’m scared. Still grasping the medical book in both hands, she squeezed her eyes tightly shut, hung her head, and clenched her teeth— “Miss, are you not feeling well?” The shop owner with the glasses addressed her, worried. He invited her to rest awhile in the back, and she followed him up to the second-floor office since she was suffering too badly that day to turn him down. Enclosed by gray concrete, the room contained a shelf lined with a variety of books and a mysterious painting hanging on the wall. The painting depicted a blue ocean and a gray shore where pure-white bird bones stood upright like tombstones. It was desolate—and a little scary. She sat on the sofa, staring up at it with a drawn face. “My father painted that. He passed away, but he used to own this shop,” he told her as he came back into the room holding cups full of tea. “It’s titled Extinction.” “…Extinction?” The sound of it gave her the chills, and she unconsciously wrapped her arms around her body. The shop owner handed her a cup of hot tea. Minami timidly brought it to her mouth. It’s sweet… Roasted tea? It was a calming flavor. It wasn’t too hot or too cold. It had been prepared at just the right temperature, and Minami felt her frigid body slowly start to warm up. “You come here often to buy books, don’t you, miss? It seems like a lot of them are in the medical field. Are you interested in a career in health care?” He probably brought the subject up in that way so it would be easy for Minami to talk about. Emon had already anticipated the reason why Minami only ever bought books like that. That was why he had invited Minami into this room. Minami shrunk in on herself and answered with embarrassment. “No…um… I feel bad a lot, and when I do, I worry that it’s something serious, so I just come to look stuff up in books.” “Is that so? Have the books you’ve purchased been any help?” “…I don’t know.” She couldn’t give him a real answer. Minami seemed to shrink even further. No matter how many books she bought, eventually she would fixate on some other ailment, and she would run for the bookstore. Over and over again. Living itself is scary, scary, scary. And unbearably stressful— Had the huge number of books piled up in Minami’s room actually ever helped her? Had they cured her? The answer to that was definitely no. “Well then, how about I give you some medicine today?” The store owner gave her a gentle smile, then pulled a book off the shelf and held it out to Minami. The cover had an image of a child-sized angel with wings sprouting from its back, drawn in a calm, airy, pale color palette. It was a fairly thick book. “Alain on Happiness…?” Minami was perplexed, but the store owner smiled reassuringly and narrowed his eyes behind his glasses, then continued speaking. “I like Alain’s writing on happiness, and I’ve read various translations, but I thought this one was the easiest to understand and made the most sense. So please give it a try if you’d like.” “Um…money?” “No need. This is my own personal copy.” “But—” “Look, if you read it, I’d like to hear your thoughts. It doesn’t have to be all at once. It’s broken up into small chapters, so it’s fun to pick out titles that appeal to you and read those.” Emon grinned. Minami thanked him and accepted the gift, then she left the store without buying the book on stomach ailments and went home carrying only the book he’d given her. In her room, she sat down at her desk and opened the cover. There were ninety-three headings in all. “The Famous Horse Bucephalus” “Sad Mary” “Depression, the Pest” “On Death” “How to Yawn” “Sullenness” “Prophetic Souls” “The Happy Farmer” “On Despair” “In the Rain” “Disentangling” “One Remedy” “Spiritual Hygiene” Those were some of the titles. And then there were the final five. “Happiness Is a Virtue” “Happiness Is a Generous Thing” “Methods for Becoming Happy” “The Obligation to Become Happy” “Swear an Oath” It was a succession of headings that each had to do with happiness. She started by looking over the first entry, “The Famous Horse Bucephalus.” It used an anecdote about Alexander the Great as an example. In his younger days, he was presented with a famous horse named Bucephalus. No trainer had been able to tame the unbreakable stallion. But Alexander realized Bucephalus was in fact terrified of his own shadow. He would leap with fright, and his shadow would jump with him, which would frighten him again and cause him to thrash about, and the cycle would go on forever. Seeing this, Alexander stepped in and pointed Bucephalus’s muzzle toward the sun, calming the horse. “Many people have argued that what we call fear has no basis in reality. They have offered varied and reasonable proofs for this assertion. However, the fearful man does not incline his ear to reason. He listens only to the pounding of his heart and the rushing of his blood.” I see… So I’m like Bucephalus… These words came readily to Minami’s mind. They gave her a strange sensation. It felt as if the words were a small pill that slid smoothly down her throat and fell into her stomach, where it dissolved and spread out into every corner of her body, permeating her completely. There must be a real reason for my fear, like how Bucephalus struggled violently when he saw his own shadow. And like how Alexander calmed the horse by turning his muzzle toward the sun, if Minami could no longer see her shadow, there would be nothing to be scared about. There is a reason for this thing called “fear.” Knowing that reason is essential. Minami came to this conclusion, then carefully continued reading section by section, one at a time, turning each over in her mind. “The reason why a person is happy or unhappy is not very important. All reasons are dependent on the workings of the body. And no matter how healthy a man may be, every day he is shifting from mental strain to depression, or from depression to mental strain. Moreover, in many cases, the shift is brought about by food, or a walk, or attentiveness, or reading, or the state of the weather.” As Minami read that passage, she heaved a sigh of relief. Is that so…? It was normal for people to feel bad a hundred years ago, too… Weather, food, and other minor stuff in everyday life can change your feelings and your health, and that’s all it is… Under the heading “Medicine” were many revelatory passages. “First and most importantly, it is essential to feel as contented as possible. Secondly, it is necessary to dispel any worries concerning the physical body, as well as those worries that disturb the equilibrium of living.” “In the history of every nation, we can see people who died because they were convinced that they had been cursed. So can we not say that curses are extremely successful, so long as the person in question has been informed that he is cursed?” “That is to say, nearly all illnesses are nothing but creations of one’s own cautions and worries, and it follows that the most reliable method of treatment is to fear stomach ailments or kidney disease no more than one would fear a blister on the foot.” A curse has no effect if the cursed person does not realize they are cursed. The important thing is not to be afraid. Not to curse myself by being overcautious. Ah, I see now. I was laying a curse on myself. I have to stop doing that. On the first page after opening the cover was a picture of the author, Alain, a kind and gentle-looking man with an impressive nose. Minami thought he slightly resembled the owner of Koumoto Books. The whole time she was reading, she imagined she could hear his mellow, kind voice speaking to her. In the book, the topic of yawning comes up repeatedly, and the author explains that yawns are extremely effective against the illnesses that the imagination invents. “Humans can stretch our bodies and yawn at will. This is the best exercise to combat anxiety and fretfulness.” “If you yawn, it stops hiccups. But how should one yawn on command? First, start by stretching the body and pretending to yawn. With any luck, miming a yawn will cause a true yawn to come out.” “I believe that yawns, just like the sleep that they precede, are most effective against all sorts of ailments. And that is the proof that our thinking is always closely connected to our physical well-being.” While she was reading enthusiastically, Minami got sleepy and really did let out a yawn. Sitting in her chair, raising her arms and stretching them upward while looking up and opening her mouth wide to yawn was an incredibly refreshing action. It felt absolutely great. After that, Minami continued reading Alain on Happiness bit by bit every day. The book seemed to have been written especially for her. There were parts she agreed with, parts that encouraged her, and lots of parts that made her realize things. Just as the owner of Koumoto Books had said, it was the gentle medicine that Minami’s heart had desperately needed. “Right now, as I am writing this, it is raining. The roof tiles are making noise, the murmur of countless tiny grooves. The air seems to have been washed clean, as if put through a filter. The clouds resemble magnificent puffs of cotton. “We must learn to perceive this kind of beauty. “Some people say that the rain spoils the harvest. Others say that it gets everything filthy with mud. Still others complain that it ruins the pleasure of sitting in the grass. “All of this goes without saying. Everyone knows these things. But complaining about them won’t do any good. “And should I get soaked in the rain of discontent, that rain will follow me into my home. “Especially when it is raining, we want to see bright and cheerful faces. For that reason, whenever the weather is bad, one must wear a happy face.” Smile cheerfully, especially on rainy days! Find the beauty in life, especially because it’s a rainy day! As she told herself this, the fog that had been hanging over Minami’s head seemed to clear away. A passage in the section with the heading “Optimism” became her new guiding principle. “If you think that you are going to collapse, then you will. If you think that you cannot do anything, then you cannot. If you think that you will be betrayed by your expectations, then you will be. “We produce our own weather, our own storms. First and most importantly, create your own interior atmosphere. Then you can influence your surroundings and the rest of the human world.” So even if I’m in the middle of a raging storm, if it’s clear inside my mind, there will be clear skies. First, I have to raise the sun in the sky of my mind. I have to believe, with clear and sunny thoughts, that I am capable. The owner of Koumoto Books had prescribed Minami just the remedy she’d needed. She wasn’t as fearful of small irregularities in her body as she had been before, and she started sleeping soundly through the night. Her pale, pimply skin turned a rosy pink, and it felt smooth when she stroked it with both hands while washing her face in the morning. Her posture improved, and her eyes, which had been bloodshot from lack of sleep, sparkled. The weight lifted from her once-heavy eyelids, and her vision cleared. She still visited Koumoto Books as often as she had before, but not to purchase medical books. Now she went to chat with the owner. Emon always listened to Minami with a kind look in his eye and would elicit more and more comments from her. Once Minami had finished reading Alain on Happiness, he introduced her to other books, which she purchased and read at home. Whenever she finished reading one, she would excitedly go visit Koumoto Books. Her favorite book, the one that was most special to her, was of course Alain on Happiness, which Emon had initially chosen for her. She would reread it at night before bed until she had completely memorized her favorite passages. And then Minami had her greatest stroke of good luck in her second year of high school. She shook with joy when she saw the HELP WANTED notice posted on the wall of Koumoto Books. She immediately went to find the owner, walking around in a daze until she came upon him sorting books in the children’s reading corner on the second floor and ran up to him. “Please allow me to work here!” She had hardly glanced at the hourly wage and other conditions. Ever since Emon had prescribed Alain on Happiness to her, Minami had held hope in her heart that she could work with him at Koumoto Books one day. She intended to make that wish reality. She probably would have offered to help even if it were a volunteer position that didn’t pay at all. Emon’s eyes rounded behind his glasses, then he smiled gently. “Mmm, well, I suppose I’ll take you up on that.” “All right! I’ll do my best!” “You’ll have to make sure to get your parents’ permission. You’re still in high school, Minami, so you can’t neglect your studies.” “I’ll be fine! I’m so happy right now, I feel like I can do anything!” And that’s how Minami started working at Koumoto Books. Each day brought happiness, and she enjoyed her job. Her heart fluttered every time she carefully opened heavy cardboard boxes with a box cutter to reveal the brand-new books packed inside. Taking them out to arrange them on the flatbed displays, thinking about what layout would most appeal to the customers and how best to grab their attention thrilled her. Her heart would pound when she saw the excitement of other high schoolers who had come to buy books. “All right! It’s here! See, I told you Koumoto Books would have it.” “I bought a book I saw on display here, and it turned out to be really interesting!” Her heart seemed as if it would soar up to heaven when customers said those things. She even came to appreciate the painting titled Extinction that decorated the office wall. When she had first laid eyes on it, she had trembled with fear, but she eventually became quite fond of the piece after seeing it every day at work. Moreover, she came to consider it achingly beautiful. “Your father’s painting is lovely, isn’t it?” Emon’s eyes narrowed in a smile as he answered. “Yeah, I think so, too.” Happiness filled every corner of her body when she heard that her and Emon’s thoughts on the painting were in alignment. “My grandfather was an aspiring writer, and my father wanted to be an artist or an actor, you know. Both of them died young and didn’t get their wish, though.” “What did you dream of being when you were little, boss?” When Minami asked that, he answered with a dazzling smile. “I always wanted to run a bookstore.” He explained that for as long as he could remember, he had been surrounded by books and been hopelessly in love them, so he had always wanted to help connect people to them. Emon would always talk like that, and Minami would listen with a sweet feeling inside. Even after Minami graduated and enrolled at a local university, she continued working her part-time job at Koumoto Books. When it came time for her to look for work, Emon offered to help. “If you’re job hunting in the area, some of our customers run their own companies or are in charge of hiring. Would you like me to talk to them?” But Minami had stopped him. “No, I’ll keep working here even after I graduate.” “Thank you, but…no matter how great you are, Minami, we don’t have room in the budget to hire you as a full-time employee.” He’d looked somewhat stumped. However— “I’m commuting from home as it is, so I’ll make it work. Besides, I’ve been thinking of getting certified as a tax accountant, so I want to be able to study for that.” She had added the part about becoming a tax accountant so that she wouldn’t make him worry and so that he would allow her to continue her part-time job at Koumoto Books even after graduating from college. “Feel free to quit any time you like, okay? I’m also not sure how much longer we’ll be around.” They had been losing ground to e-books and online shopping, and sales had been dropping steadily. Koumoto Books was already the last bookstore in town. And Emon had no successor. His wife and child had died in the earthquake, Minami had heard. The elderly part-timer who had told Minami the story had been moved to tears. “Emon’s son was named Mirai. He was just six years old—the cutest little thing. “His wife, Yaeko, miscarried their first child, and apparently the doctor told her she couldn’t have children anymore. So when little Mirai was born, they were truly overjoyed. To think that it ended in tragedy.” Mirai loved books, and he would always sit down quietly on the mat in the children’s section happily reading. He looked exactly like Emon had when he was young. “He would tell you in his cute voice, ‘I’m going to run a bookstore, too, just like Papa!’ …Emon would melt when he heard it. Really, why did such a horrible thing happen to such a sweet boy? Naming the child they had been miraculously blessed with Mirai—meaning “future”—Emon must have been imagining the continuing legacy of Koumoto Books. He was the third owner, and after he passed away, there would be a fourth owner, and a fifth, and a sixth… On and on it would continue. He must have wished for his family to continue connecting people and books right there. And yet, the earthquake had stolen away both futures too soon. Despite the tragedy, Emon smiled kindly when he spoke. “As long as I am alive, I’m keeping the store going. If we closed, many of our customers would be disappointed, you see.” It seemed as though he’d always known that sooner or later, all the bookstores would disappear from town. Minami could tell he was serious about believing that he had a duty to perform, and he did it earnestly, without regret or fear and without holding on to any kind of resentment. He would simply work solemnly until his final day arrived. And Minami wanted to be by his side. She wondered if what she was feeling was love. Her heart pounded excitedly whenever he smiled at her. She felt happy and proud whenever he called her by name, and it made her wish he would open up to her. Working at Koumoto Books, she had learned of Emon’s secret sorrow and suffering. And she had also seen how, despite all that, he smiled gently and lived honestly. His quiet love for books and people, plus everything else about him, was just like the writings in Alain on Happiness, the book he had prescribed for Minami. She used him as a model for life—the way he lived, the words he spoke, his strength in hiding his pain behind a smile, his kindness, his love for others. Was it love? Or was it something stronger that only resembled love? Minami didn’t know. But she wanted to be by his side forever if she could, to protect both Koumoto Books and its owner with all her strength. She hadn’t wanted to think about it coming to an end. “The boss would absolutely never have taken his own life!” With complete devotion, Minami shouted at Tamogami, who was now reclining on the sofa, holding his head in his hands. He had been weeping about how he had caused Emon’s death, and he was obviously very upset. But Minami knew there was no way the boss had done something so stupid. “Even if the novel you wrote using the boss’s ideas did become a big bestseller, the fact that he never said anything about it means he cared about your feelings. It certainly wasn’t something he would have held a grudge about! If anything, he was probably happy you got famous with a book that borrowed his ideas! The Emon Koumoto I knew—my boss—that’s the kind of person he was!” Tamogami, Asuka, and the glasses-wearing high schooler to whom Emon had entrusted the store’s books were all staring at her. Tamogami looked distressed, Asuka looked sad, and Musubu was just gazing quietly with clear eyes— Behind Musubu hung the painting of bird bones discarded by the seashore. That quiet, lonely, beautiful picture. “After the earthquake, I turned into a real scaredy-cat. Every day, I would imagine some new thing to be afraid of, and my fear would follow me everywhere, until living itself became an utter nightmare. I was always shaking, wondering what horrible thing would happen tomorrow. That’s what I was like when Emon prescribed me the medicine of Alain’s Alain on Happiness! He told me he loved the book so much that he’d read many different translations!” On the office bookshelf stood five translations of Alain on Happiness, each different from the one Minami had. Emon had always read the books on his shelf during breaks or when he was working a night shift. He had certainly read Alain on Happiness many times over. “This book teaches how to resist worrying about imagined ailments and methods for turning rainy days into sunny ones—ways to become happy! There are lots of them written here! The power of imagination will never make us happy! Imagination cannot create anything. Creation comes through action! Thinking you are naturally just a certain way and nothing can change that is like placing a curse on yourself! The grief you get from obsessing about the past is worse than useless—it’s poisonous! Dwelling in regret is the same as repeating the mistake! You have to punch back at the real source of your sorrow!” She shouted desperately, until her throat was raw. Just as the words written in Alain on Happiness had encouraged Minami, so, too, must have Emon taken it off the shelf to read whenever he was feeling disheartened or assaulted by sadness. By doing that, he would have hit back at the sadness and smiled. He narrowed his eyes gently and kindly. You always smiled through thick and thin, just like the first time you served me tea in this office! “If you don’t want to become happy, you never will! You have to wish for happiness of your own and make it come true!” The Emon that Minami knew had lived his life that way. “There’s no chance a person who would recommend a book like that would ever take his own life!” Tamogami frowned and stubbornly gritted his teeth as he listened to Minami’s speech. Over and over, despair, denial, and doubt passed across his face, which was lined with exhaustion and suffering. But Emon did die. He died the day after I said those cruel things to him. Died after sending me that handmade picture book. Tamogami felt as if he might shout these words from his trembling lips at any moment. Just then, a clear voice rang out. “It’s as Minami says.” They all turned to see the high school boy with large glasses—Musubu Enoki had spoken with a gentle expression that almost made them believe he was Emon. With the painting of the bird bones on the beach titled Extinction at his back, he continued with a look of quiet wisdom in his eyes that took everyone’s breath away. “Emon did not kill himself. I know the real cause of his death. And I’ll reveal it to you now.”
Chapter 19
26 min read