Chapter 7

Fujoshi diagnosis. 2005/12/06 22:23 In recent years, the number of secret fujoshi has risen. My very own girlfriend, Y-ko, is a fujoshi to the core. But many fujoshi keep their hobby firmly hidden, and if desperate enough, their disguise is virtually perfect. As a matter of fact, Y-ko herself appears to be a normal, sharp-tongued lady so many people are not immediately aware of her identity. —But. There is a simple way to unmask these secret fujoshi. Very, extremely simple, in fact. You don’t even need to know anything about Kira as an uke or anything. (*Kira: Kira Yamato, protagonist of Gundam SEED.) You, too, can attempt Y-ko’s famed “Easy Fujoshi Diagnosis” method. Easy Fujoshi Diagnosis: Y-ko Method Step 1. Identify target First, identify the target whose fujoshi-ness (or lack of) you wish to determine. It can be a potential hookup, a friend, family member, or even your girlfriend. However— Please steel yourself to accept the results you receive, no matter what they might be. No matter what the result, no matter if it should mean the end of years of love, this is a test that requires strong responsibility. Stand up for your actions. Step 2. Introduction Have you picked out your target? Then please tell her the following: “I’m going to give you an IQ test.” You can’t tell them you are administering a Fujoshi diagnosis, as this will put them on guard. Sell it as an IQ test to set your target at ease. Step 3. Begin test Now, we’re getting somewhere. As an example, I will demonstrate this test with Y-ko. … Give them a series of very simple terms that can be answered instantly. Once they are replying in rapid succession, you are going to give them the test’s only real question. …… An instant, unthinking answer! If the test subject answers immediately and without hesitation, you’ve got a fujoshi. For contrast, let’s see some examples of different answers. The opposite of seme (“attack”) is… “Mamori!!” (or “defend”) This is a healthy answer. Please give your subject a gentle hug. Whisper your love to her. “… Mamori!” She will probably be all right. A toast to her for clamping down and choosing correctly. “Uh… mamori.” Borderline case. Don’t push her too hard. If you try to dig too deep, you might regret the results. “Uk… mamori!” Slightly fujoshi. Your reaction to this news will determine your level of compassion and forgiveness. “Uke!!” She’s a fujoshi. Welcome to the other side!! If she happens to shriek “uke!!” Please, don’t panic. Imagine that by sharing this secret, your bonds have just grown stronger. In fact, convince yourself of it. Please don’t cast your eyes away from the rigors of the truth. You’re not alone. You are not alone. So please… please! Hang in there, me. When I tried this out at a party the other day, about half of my answers were “uke.” What is wrong with you, Japan? Note: In certain areas such as karate, uke is the proper contrast to seme. Use this test as a general guideline only. Are you all aware of the word uke? If you’re unfamiliar with the term, please stay just the way you are now. However, for the sake of those not in the know, uke is a yaoi term that refers to the “receiving” end of a homosexual relationship, which is similar but not identical to the term bottom within the gay community. (The opposite is seme.)