5. Twilight
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Boys, I trust you to look after your mother.
Every day, before he left for work, Taekjoo’s father would say this to Taekjoo and his brother. Young Taekjoo had always found that a strange way to say goodbye. He couldn’t tell why, but he felt that it wouldn’t be weird if his father didn’t return home one day. Indeed, the words Taekjoo’s father told his boys every morning turned out to be his last.
Taekjoo’s mother wailed, sobbed, and screamed at the funeral, overcome with sorrow. Before he even knew what he was doing, Taekjoo stepped back and ran away from his mother, startled by her heartbreaking cries and gut-wrenching shrieks. Looking back on that day, Taekjoo thought that he might have been scared. Back then, the unfamiliar sight of his grieving, devastated mother shocked Taekjoo more than the sorrow of never seeing his father again.
But his older brother was different. He was not yet an adult himself, but at that moment, he was the most grown-up person around. As if he had always foreseen, to some degree, the inevitability of this day, he carried out his duties as a sangju[1] faithfully. It was also he who managed to coax his mother to eat something. And when the funeral was over, Taekjoo’s brother wasn’t shaken by the new weight the death of their father had placed on his shoulders—all the expectations, concerns, and responsibilities. He was someone who always did what was right and stood firmly by his beliefs. He was the shoulder his mother leaned on and the shade that sheltered his brother. Thanks to him, Taekjoo barely felt their father’s absence.
The brothers weren’t particularly close. The six-year age gap between them was one reason, and another was Taekjoo’s brother’s job, which kept him away from home. They were neither best friends nor strangers. That was simply the nature of their relationship.
Unless there was a special occasion, the brothers didn’t bother each other. So, it bothered Taekjoo one day when he got a call from his brother out of the blue. He immediately sensed that something was wrong, but his brother simply said he was calling just to say hi and catch up. There was nothing unusual or unnerving about the conversation.
“I’ll be out at sea for at least two months this time. Look after Mother for me, okay?”
Their last conversation was as uneventful as any other. Yet, for some reason, something about it kept bothering Taekjoo, though he couldn’t say why. He brushed it off, telling himself he was just overreacting. Nothing had happened to him or his family, after all. He let his guard down and tried to ignore the unease bubbling up inside him.
Accidents always happen when you least expect them. And just when Taekjoo had finally stopped worrying, it happened, taking him completely by surprise. That night, Taekjoo received a call. He heard the words clearly, but their meaning wouldn’t sink in. It felt like a nightmare. He had no idea how he even got to the scene. Taekjoo and his mother were beside themselves.
A crowd had already gathered—Navy officers, the bereaved, journalists, and bystanders. That was where Taekjoo’s memory cut off. From that moment on, he was barely himself. All he could recall was the overwhelming mix of despair, sorrow, and anger, and how disconnected he felt in the midst of it.
Taekjoo kept vigil day and night at the wake, snatching only brief naps. Sleep and wakefulness were beyond his control, neither following his will. In between, he dreamed of his father and brother. They spoke in unison, as if they had agreed on what to say before appearing to Taekjoo. He grew weary of their relentless demands. When Taekjoo covered his ears, his father and brother began yelling, urging him to answer them. In Taekjoo’s dreams, the two were broken, trapped in the mangled state of their bodies from their final moments.
When Taekjoo woke up screaming, his mother was sitting next to him. She had lost consciousness after identifying her eldest son’s body. Taekjoo had been worried about her. But, much to his relief, his mother appeared to be her usual self, at least on the outside. Knowing Taekjoo had a nightmare, she held his hand tightly and brushed back his sweat-dampened hair.
You’re all I have now. You’re my only reason to live.
Her eyes flashed as she spoke the only remaining purpose of her life aloud.