The former butler’s words were on the mark, I supposed. The tower’s occupant didn’t call me an idiot, of course, but as soon as he caught sight of me—or rather, of what I was carrying—he got an odd look on his face.
“Um, so... Is this, like, a running gag now? Should I laugh?”
“I’m not sure what you mean, but you’re welcome to.”
“Ha ha...”
“I didn’t say to force yourself to laugh.”
At my scolding, his strained laughter turned into a deliberate clearing of his throat. The source of Lord Heinreid’s unexpected confusion—the bouquet of red roses I held in my hands—bloomed beautifully, as though feigning ignorance of the awkward atmosphere.
Come to think of it, when I’d visited the same shop to ask for the same number of roses with the same wrapping paper, the shopgirl had worn a strangely pitying smile. Perhaps she’d also been wondering whether this was the only idea in my brain... Well, I didn’t care. I simply wanted a do-over of that day.
“I do appreciate it, though,” he said. “I didn’t think you’d ever bring any more roses—not after I told you all that stuff you didn’t want to hear about.”
Stuff I didn’t want to hear about—his story of his old lover. And now, cruel as ever, he was deliberately trying to rehash that all over again. But I also had an inkling that his provocation was meant to convince me that I didn’t need to worry about his feelings. Whatever the reason, it really was despicable of him. I furrowed my brow in frustration.
“They’re your favorite flower, so I thought that bringing them would make you happy—that’s all. My own feelings don’t enter into it.”
The curt, blunt tone of my answer must have been exactly what he’d been hoping for, but my words seemed to catch him off guard. Looking a little ill at ease, he shifted to a more accommodating, placating register.
“You... You really don’t have to put my feelings first, okay? I belong to you, right? You can just do whatever makes you happy.”
“I have been. But that’s not good enough. If we only ever do things I’m happy with, you’ll be left unfulfilled, won’t you? Lord Heinreid...”
My vision of happiness would leave him stifled, unable to breathe. I’d simply decided that rather than leaving him to writhe and suffer, I’d be better off reining in my own desires in order to allow him whatever peace I could. In a sense, even this was just me doing as I pleased; there wasn’t any reason for him to worry over me. But Lord Heinreid started glancing around anxiously, his gaze wandering restlessly across the room.
“No, look... What’d I do to make you start thinking that way? Is it because I’m still making you call me Heinreid, acting like that’s me?”
“Lord Heinreid.”
“Right, yeah. Little details like that are important—gotta get that stuff nailed down. Craig, I’ll make sure I get better at answering to a different name, so you don’t need to call me Heinreid anymore. You can call me Felix, or Reynard, or Tsukasa—well, that one might stick out a bit—but anyway, just call me whatever you—”
“You know that’s not what this is about, don’t you?”
I cut off his nervous, misdirected rambling. As always, whenever I tried to get to the heart of the matter, he tried to change the topic and keep me at a distance. But he was only doing that because I’d wanted us to be happy. I’d failed to realize it all this time...but, well, I couldn’t fault myself. Who would ever imagine that seeking happiness could be a mistake? I didn’t want to sink myself in regret over it; I just needed to learn from my mistakes and do better from now on.
I set the roses down on the desk and stepped over to him as he sat on the edge of the bed. Once I’d gotten close enough that I could reach out a hand and touch him, I slowly got down on one knee. I knelt before him, gazing straight up at his face as he looked at me in confusion.
Now that I’d come this far, I wasn’t going to engage in any unnecessary back-and-forth. He probably didn’t want to hear this, but I was going to say it anyway.
“Duke Heinreid von Rodvelia. My former master. Not far in the future, we will be officially informing the people of your demise. Even if they oughtn’t forget their pain, they must be allowed to heal from their wounds. For their sakes, we need your sins to die as well.”
He stayed silent, looking uncomfortable and dissatisfied. He believed that even if he lived on, he ought never to be redeemed or absolved; the future I’d laid out wasn’t what he wished for at all. But there was no changing it at this point. The majority of those now living didn’t want to be tied down to the past. They might not be able to forget, but they would do their best to, and slowly but surely, they would consign it to silence.
“I, for my part, had already severed you from the villain you once were. Even if you and he are one and the same, I intended to leave that all in the past, just as everyone else will. I believed it was for the best. But, Duke Heinreid... If you insist on carrying your sins with you, no matter what...”
For a brief moment, my voice fell away. I felt a stinging pain deep in my chest. That was how little I truly wanted to say the words I was trying to get out.
“I won’t deny your sins any longer. So, please, Your Grace. Just...don’t let yourself be alone.”
I forced it all out anyway, my heart creaking under the strain. I nearly let out a groan as intense agony surged within me, but I pushed through the pain with all my might.
The truth was, even now, I still wanted to save him. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted us to be happy together. But I’d resolved myself to give up on all of that—no, to hide those desires away. Even if my efforts would never bear fruit, even if there was no destination in sight, I wanted to be by his side. After all, I...
“I love you.”
From the bottom of my heart.
Still kneeling, I took Duke Heinreid’s hand and pressed the back of it to my brow. This was an ancient rite in our kingdom—a pledge of devotion from servant to master. Painfully, bitterly, that was what I offered him.
He looked a little shaken, but eventually, he let out a single weary sigh. He placed his other hand on my cheek, and I turned my face upward as he guided me. His uncomfortable smile entered my field of vision.
“I’m not gonna be able to make you happy.”
“I don’t care. If the price of happiness is abandoning you, then I don’t want it.”
“Right... You’re real messed up too, huh, Craig?”
Those slightly cold fingers stroked my cheek, and I lost myself in his smile. A hazy memory surfaced from my childhood—back when I’d thrown tantrums over little irrelevant things, my mother and my brother had worn smiles just like this one. It was a smile that met selfishness with care, acceptance, and simple kindness. Looking at it, I found myself smiling a little as well.
“Indeed,” I replied. “Pitiful, aren’t I? If you’d like to give me an apology, you’re welcome to.”
“Can I really?”
I’d meant it as just a small, mean-spirited joke, but the man in front of me had a far more pronounced reaction than I’d expected. His scarlet eyes deepened and wavered. There wasn’t any gleam of hope there—but they held a darkness brimming with guilty anticipation and pleasure.
The moment I saw those eyes, I suddenly, finally, truly understood.
Oh.
“Go ahead.”
Oh. It’s him. It’s Duke Heinreid.
He tugged my head in closer and embraced me tightly. Feeling his slender, delicate frame clinging onto me, I quietly awaited his words.
Finally, after a long silence—there, in that room with just the two of us—those fervent words softly echoed.
“I... I’m sorry...”
“Y-Yes, Your Grace.”
“I’m really sorry... I’m so sorry...”
It was as though a dam had burst. The words that came pouring out were devoid of sweetness. They were bitter like medicine, like venom. And they certainly weren’t directed at me alone. I felt as though his self-centered apologies were flying all around me, carving into my body like knives.
What an utterly despicable man he was. What a despicable man I’d fallen in love with. This acrid, stinging pain was sure to keep on going—I could say for certain that there was no happiness to be found on this path.
But nevertheless... Even knowing that this love itself was a mistake...
I would go on living with him.