However upset I was, if I’d been visibly scowling even during my regular duties, then I needed to rein myself in. A slipup like that would end up worsening Lord Heinreid’s position as well. There were likely some embarrassing rumors spreading about me now, but if anything, I owed Sir Schmidt gratitude for informing me so quickly.
Sir Schmidt, now thoroughly sobered up, opened his mouth again with a newly hesitant air.
“Is he in bad shape?”
“No, I don’t think there’s that much to worry about physically. It’s just...”
I faltered for a moment, unsure how to explain.
“Sir Schmidt... Have you ever felt overwhelmed by guilt?”
Unable to sum things up properly, I found myself asking a strange question.
Sir Schmidt did have some thoughts on the matter, though.
“Ahh...” He exhaled, coming to a realization. “If you’re asking me, then I’m guessing you’ve never felt that way, huh?”
“I’m not quite sure. I thought I knew the feeling, but after seeing the state that man was in, I think what I felt must have been something different.”
“Well, yeah,” he said with a wry chuckle. “If you were that sensitive, then you wouldn’t still be up and about working as a knight. Sorry to disappoint, but I’m the same as you. I do know a guy who ended up like that, though... Want to hear about him?”
“Please.”
I straightened my posture, bracing myself for a heavy conversation. Sir Schmidt, on the other hand, slumped forward in his seat and nursed his drink. Lightly closing his eyes, he began to recount his story.
“This is about an old friend of mine. Nicest guy you ever met—an honest-to-goodness saint. When the government was bleeding us dry and folks were struggling, he went without sleep to help people out, and he gave away everything he could spare. He organized these community dinners on the regular where he’d gather up all the townspeople and hand out food to everyone. For a lot of guys, that was the only time they could forget about the bad stuff and smile together...until the local lord caught wind of it, that is.”
Sir Schmidt’s voice was still quiet, but his hand clenched tightly into a fist.
He wasn’t from the duchy of Rodvelia, so the old Duke Heinreid hadn’t been involved directly, but I remembered hearing that there’d once been a large-scale “blood purge” in the town Sir Schmidt hailed from. The duke had grumbled that they’d thrown such a lovely party but hadn’t thought to invite him—that was probably what it had been.
“No advance warning. One day, soldiers just came charging in, tearing up everything and everyone there. They were spouting some bullshit about it being a gathering to plot treason—said they were purging the rebels.”
“Was your friend all right?”
“Yeah—sort of. All the folks there threw themselves in the way to keep him safe. By the time I got there, almost nobody was still alive, but he didn’t have a scratch on him. Maybe that’s part of why he started blaming himself for the whole thing. Said everyone had died because he’d gathered them together—felt like he’d basically killed them all himself... Craig, if you were in his shoes, how would you feel?”
If I were in that man’s shoes—if my actions had resulted in others’ deaths... That must have been what he meant.
After a slight pause, I gave my answer. “I imagine in the immediate aftermath, I’d feel much the same as he did—but after that, my hatred would turn to the soldiers who’d carried out the order and the lord who’d handed it down.”
“Yup, figured. You’re good at moving on from stuff—I like that about you.”
I couldn’t sense any irony or sarcasm in Sir Schmidt’s words. He was genuinely looking at me as I was, divorced from my history.
“Well, I saw it the same way as you,” he said. “And that’s exactly what I said to try and get him back on his feet: ‘It’s all the nobles’ fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Nobody blames you for any of it, and if anyone ever does, they’ll have to answer to me.’ I meant every word of it, and I thought it was the best thing I could tell him. But, well...”
Sir Schmidt paused briefly to drain the rest of his beer, then let out a breath. He continued speaking, leaning his head back to gaze up at the ceiling.
“That was the wrong thing to say to him. He broke down crying. Told me he couldn’t just put it all aside like that—it’d be the same as running away from his sins. He said I was putting a burden on him by pushing him to move on... That really stung, I gotta say.”
Sir Schmidt smiled bitterly, and I felt a deep sympathy. I’d found myself in the exact same situation just a few days ago. This was the sensation of doing something you thought was for the best but having your efforts rejected—worse, being told that you were the one putting pressure on the person you were trying to help. It felt utterly pathetic and shameful.
How had Sir Schmidt gotten past that? Impatient to know, I encouraged him to continue.
“What happened after that? If it’s all right to ask...”
But the answer I got back was nothing like I’d imagined.
“Yeah, sure thing. Once we’d calmed down a little, we talked one last time, and then that was it.”
“That was it?”
“Yep. We talked things out, and we decided we ought to give each other some space. Haven’t seen him since.”
“Were you all right with that?”
“Well, depending how you look at it, I guess you could say I ran away. But he wanted some space away from me too. That’s how I learned that you can open up to each other and acknowledge your real feelings all you want, but it won’t always make stuff better. Oh—it’s not like we totally cut each other off, okay? We’ll write letters once in a while, to let each other know we’re still alive. Last one I got, he wrote that he’s been helping rebuild the town. He said doing volunteer work takes his mind off stuff.”
Sir Schmidt’s voice was calm as he told me what his friend had been up to lately. He didn’t seem regretful, but I sensed a faint loneliness in his voice.
Well, of course—the two of them weren’t on bad terms, after all.
But now that I’d heard his story through to the end...Sir Schmidt’s friend really was just the same as Lord Heinreid. Even now, with the revolution over, neither one was fully free of their suffering. They couldn’t hand off their sins to anyone else, and they couldn’t bear even the slightest sensation of irresponsibility. So they took all those sins onto their own shoulders, no matter how unreasonable. In my head, I could understand the thought process they’d fallen into, but...
“I’m still lost,” I said with a sigh. “I’d hoped maybe hearing a different example might help me see something new...”
“Sympathizing’s tough, isn’t it? I totally get it—and I’m still the same way now. That’s why I couldn’t be a refuge for him.”
I gazed back at him silently.
“That’s just how he and I ended up, though. I can’t tell you what’s the best thing for you and your guy to do. But if you’re not gonna walk away, and you’re ready for some pain...then don’t leave him behind, okay?”
The harsh reality before me, wrapped in soft words of advice and support, sank into my heart and sent tremors echoing through my chest.
I can’t be a refuge for him... That was exactly the position I was in now. Maybe people with different beliefs and different values could never truly share their burdens of pain and sadness with one another. That was the case for me and Lord Heinreid, at least. I probably had to make my peace with that truth... And then, with that in mind, I needed to prepare myself to stop moving—so I wouldn’t leave him behind.
Feeling daunted by the long, hard battle ahead of me, I caught sight of the glass still sitting on the table. I pushed aside my slight hesitation and grabbed the drink, then downed it all at once. All the ice had completely melted, watering down the already-cheap beer; it wouldn’t even get me drunk, let alone poison me. Nevertheless, the slight bitterness reminded me upsettingly of that paralyzing liquor. A laugh spilled from my throat.
“Ha ha... Haah. Hey, Sven. Even now that the nightmare’s over, we never run out of things to worry about, do we?”
“Sure don’t. That’s just what real life’s like, I guess... Wait, did you just call me by my name?”
“Did I?”
“C’mon, don’t play dumb!” he shouted cheerfully.
I laughed again, then ordered some slightly pricier beer.