I thought I’d been falling into darkness, but before I knew it, I was in a bright white space. Or, well, maybe I wasn’t anywhere at all anymore. Everything was vague and hazy, and all that existed here was my mind. I could tell that I didn’t have a body. It was a strange sensation, like something out of a dream.
Is this the afterlife? Did I exhaust myself back there and finally die?
Something felt off, though. My perspective was fixed in place—I couldn’t turn to look at my surroundings. I didn’t even have any sense of what it would mean to close my eyes here. I just stayed like that for a while. Then, background scenery and human figures began to float into view amid the blank space. It was still all white...but this white was familiar.
White walls. White bedsheets. The hospital.
And sitting in the bed, crying with her face in her hands, was my sister—Yurika. Next to her, slumped over and sobbing, was my mom. I remembered all of this; it was the same thing I’d seen that day when my sister had passed out all of a sudden, after she’d gotten her diagnosis.
Is this that thing where your life flashes before your eyes? Do people get those after they die?
I wanted to avert my gaze from this painful memory. But when I listened closer to the voices, they weren’t quite the same as I remembered.
—Idiot. You idiot. Onii-chan, you idiot!
That was weird. Back then, Yurika had just apologized over and over, her voice shaking as she’d tried to stifle her feelings. She hadn’t been yelling at me like this.
—No... I should have paid more attention... Tsukasa! Tsukasaaa!
What was going on? My mom had been calling out my sister’s name back then, not mine. Yurika was the one who’d gotten sick. There... There wasn’t any reason she’d be calling for me...
While I watched, puzzled by the differences from my memories, their insults and wails changed to different words.
—I’m sorry...
—I’m so, so sorry...
—If I hadn’t ended up like this...
—If I’d taken better care of you both...
—Onii-chan...
—Tsukasa...
—I’m so sorry...
—It’s my fault you died...
—I’m sorry!
A shock ran through my mind.
Wait, no... Is this Yurika and mom after I died? Why...? Why are they apologizing? There’s no way they’d know I killed myself, so why?
I didn’t get any answers to my questions. The two of them—my mother and sister, my only family—were crying so hard that I was worried their bodies would wither.
But there was nothing I could do.
I didn’t have any legs to run to them.
Of course I didn’t—I was dead.
I didn’t have any arms to reach out and stroke their hair.
Of course I didn’t—I was dead.
I didn’t even have a voice to give them excuses or words of comfort.
Of course I didn’t.
I was dead.
I hadn’t felt the slightest regret about ending my past life. I’d been carrying a sort of pride, holding it close. But now, I felt a shadow loom over it.
—You would force those left alive to clean up your mess, while you alone make your getaway?
As the shadow spread to cover everything, a voice came from inside it. Those words had been condemning me for pretending to be an evil duke and manipulating a good and honest knight—but they applied to my past self too.
—Don’t... Don’t leave me!
Even that villain had screamed out in anguish from inside me—that was how painful it was to be left behind. But I’d just closed my eyes to every inconvenient detail. I hadn’t thought it through. I hadn’t understood at all. Without ever understanding, I’d decided all on my own that this was what I needed to do, that I didn’t have any choice. People had loved me, had cared about me, but I’d treated that me like it was worthless. I’d thrown it away.
I’m the one who needs to apologize. Mom... Yurika...
Right before I’d killed myself, I’d inwardly muttered an apology, but that shallow, meaningless contrition didn’t even compare to the guilt and remorse flooding my heart now. I still couldn’t give voice to any of it, though, and the people I wanted to share my feelings with faded back away into the whiteness.
I... I’ll never reach them.
A sadness filled me as I was pulled away from the people I loved.
The world went white once again, and a final set of words rang out.
—I will not let you die.