It was true. The only way to sever a pact like theirs was through one of their deaths. It was possible the trial could’ve ended in execution for both, but that would’ve taken time—and time was one thing we didn’t have. That was why I’d come here in the first place.
“It’s funny, really. I needed his love so badly for so long, but it only took me a moment to stop needing him.” Gilles looked down at Albert’s body. He was no longer moving and beyond saving. Still, I couldn’t believe that Albert had died so easily.
“Is that what you meant by a deal?”
To think he’d use his own father’s life as a bargaining chip... What kind of man did that?
“Of course that’s not all. I’ll testify. I’ll confirm everything, including what father just said. But I want that man’s life spared in return,” Gilles said, pointing straight at Claude.
Claude’s eyes widened. “What are you talking about, Gilles?”
“The idea that I’d ever consider an idiot like you an ally is honestly insulting.”
“You’re not going to beg for your own life?”
“Why would I? As long as no one finds out about what kind of contract father made, I’ll be fine. And until they do, I don’t think they’ll rush to kill me, since I was just the intended sacrifice.”
Now that Albert was dead, we couldn’t get the full truth out of him. It would take time to untangle everything, and if Gilles had figured all of that out before plunging his dagger in, then he was even more cunning than I thought.
“Besides, I’m sure there’ll be at least a few nobles out there willing to sympathize with the poor boy who was offered up as a human sacrifice by his own father.”
“You said you didn’t want any pity,” Claude said, confused.
“Not from you. But if pity from the nobles is what will keep me alive, then I’ll gladly accept it.”
He was the type to never fall without grabbing something on his way down. That was exactly why I’d wanted this resolved peacefully.
“Very well, but don’t expect a bright future.”
“Siegfried!”
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Gilles replied.
I’d opened my mouth again to protest Siegfried’s offhand acceptance of the deal, but there was no point. He was right. As king, his decision was the correct one. This was necessary to bring the truth to light. Asking him to cover it up would’ve been asking him to throw away his pride as a monarch.
And maybe for Gilles, exposing all his misdeeds in front of Claude was the best punishment after all.
“You’re really not cut out for revenge, are you?”
Professor’s voice echoed in my head, breaking his silence throughout this confrontation.
What do you mean, “not cut out for revenge”? Whatever, the real revenge is still ahead.
The fallen angel, the one behind it all, was still out there.
Shortly afterward, the royal guards arrived. They placed Gilles and Claude formally under arrest and took them away to solitary confinement.
Meanwhile, I found myself being dragged down the castle corridor by a stubbornly silent Siegfried. He didn’t say a word, just grabbed my arm and started walking.
“H-Hey, Siegfried. Can you let go of my arm, please?”
He didn’t answer.
“It really hurts.”
And also everyone was staring.
Siegfried wasn’t usually the type to act out like this, so the sight of him storming down the hallway practically hauling me behind him had every passing servant turning their head in surprise.
“Come on, just for a second! Whoa!”
He finally stopped, shoving open the door to what looked like a guest room. He threw me onto the bed face down before I could even look around. I turned over and tried to get up, only for Siegfried to straddle me and pin me down.
“What are you—”
“What were you thinking?! Do you have any idea how precious your life is to me?!” He grabbed my wrists and pinned them to the mattress, yelling down at me from just inches away.
“S-Sorry...” I apologized automatically, but the truth was my life didn’t mean anything to me right now. Even if something went wrong, I could always try again.
“What if you’d died?! Then what?!”
Well, then I’d start over, and I’d keep going no matter how many times it took to get to the right ending.
“Why do you keep doing this? Why do you treat your life like it doesn’t matter?!”
Well, because it doesn’t. Not my life. But I couldn’t say that. Not when he was looking down at me like that, with so much pain in his eyes.
“I’m sorry I made you worry,” I said.
“That’s not the kind of apology I want.”
He wanted me to care about myself. He rested his forehead against mine and murmured in an anguished voice, “I keep dreaming about you dying, over and over again.”
“What...?”
“At first it was a dream where I watched you get stabbed right in front of me. I wanted to save you, so I reached out, but I couldn’t move at all. My body just wouldn’t respond. All I could do was stand there and watch you die.”
I sucked in a sharp breath.
I knew that scene. It was the first time I’d come back from death. I remembered the visceral scream Kreis had let out just before his life had slipped away right in front of Siegfried.
“I still can’t forget the moment your life faded away... The way your tears fell right before the end. I despaired that I couldn’t save you. I couldn’t forgive a world where you didn’t exist. Then my body felt like it was on fire. I destroyed everything, but by the time I was finally able to hold you in my arms, you were already cold.” His voice was trembling. I thought maybe he was crying. It felt like my heart was trembling too.
“After that, I kept having dreams about your death. You’d get stabbed from behind without warning, or an arrow would shoot straight through your throat. And for some reason in those dreams, I became you. I felt the pain, the agony, the despair... I experienced everything. The way your heart screamed. It hurt so much, it was unbearable. Just knowing that you went through that pain, and that one day it might actually happen...”
I bit my lip to stifle the cry trying to escape my throat, because otherwise I’d have started sobbing right then and there.
Those weren’t just dreams. They were real, and I’d experienced each and every one of them.
I was the only one who could return from the dead. So I’d thought the pain, the fear, and the despair...were mine and mine alone.
No one else could possibly understand what it was like to die again and again. You never get used to that kind of hopelessness. Still, I convinced myself it didn’t matter. But somehow, my despair had left a mark on his heart.
Or maybe even if it hadn’t and even if they were just dreams...
“I’m scared those dreams will come true. You treat your life like it doesn’t matter, Kreis. Why? Why don’t you value yourself more?” He pulled me into a tight embrace, his arms trembling. He was afraid of losing Kreis. It reminded me of how terrified I’d been at the thought of losing him. I couldn’t bring myself to resist. I just let him hold me.
“If you got seriously hurt...it would be agonizing!”
He was right. It had hurt. It had hurt more than I could ever explain.
“I don’t want you to go through that pain again! I don’t want you to suffer like that ever again!” He held me tighter, and my chest ached.
That was right... Deep down, I’d always wished someone would understand me and see me for who I really was. The sob I’d been holding in finally escaped, and tears streamed down my face.
I’d spent so long pretending to be strong that I hadn’t had the emotional wherewithal to be kind to anyone else. I had always just been trying to survive. I’d bristled like a hedgehog and kept everyone at a distance with my thorny quills. Now, those thorns were falling away one by one, and the scared, vulnerable part of me underneath began to show.
“Nngh... I-I’m sorry...” I wept.
“Don’t ever do that again!”
“I won’t, I swear... I won’t, ever again...” My voice gave way to tears.
I’d thought I was fighting alone, but even if a little of my pain had reached him, if I’d hurt him in any way...then I had to start treating myself better. I had to.
I couldn’t let Siegfried go through that again. I couldn’t allow myself to get used to it either.
“You can cry as much as you need to.” That simple sentence snapped the final restraint I’d been clinging to.
I buried my face against Siegfried’s chest as I sobbed loudly.
It had hurt. I had been so scared. It had been painful and agonizing. And all along, all I wanted was for someone to save me.
“Of course you were hurt, and you went to see Albert alone because you were hoping that maybe, just maybe, he’d admit to what he’d done, right?”
It felt like a wild assumption, yet there was a part of me that had hoped. I’d wanted Albert to come clean and say he was sorry, just once. I’d really had a glimmer of hope, but that had been crushed the moment I walked into the room.
“From now on, I don’t want you doing anything reckless alone.”
“What if we do it together?”
“Then I’ll take on your share of recklessness.”
He leaned on one arm and put some space between us, then gently kissed the tear that lingered on my face. Then, he brushed his lips along my forehead, eyelids, and the tip of my nose, and finally he softly kissed me on the mouth.