I gripped the handles tight and pushed the wheelchair forward. It dug deep grooves into the ground beneath me, which quickly filled with seawater. Even when I got him to the very edge of the waves, he still wasn’t satisfied.
“Keep going.”
“What, into the sea?”
“Yes.”
But I was used to his selfish requests. I kept going, stopping just far enough that the tip of the waves licked the wheels. There was a fine line between getting wet and getting soaked, and we’d reached a compromise. He didn’t push any further.
Now that he couldn’t walk, he gazed at the sea without much excitement. The silence was uncanny, so I spoke to him teasingly.
“You really love the sea, huh?”
“Yeah, I’m fond of it. My home is in the mountains, so I never got to see it much. We only came with my family for birthdays and special occasions.”
And just like that day in April, he took off his shoes and socks. I took them without a word. I didn’t know whether to let him do as he pleased or to scold him like I always did. Surely there was no right answer. I’d grant his wish, just as he and those around him had.
The waves lapped at the wheels. I raised the footrests and lowered his legs to the ground, exposing his bare feet to the winter sea. The wheelchair would end up rusting for sure. But that wouldn’t bother him. He could just buy a new one. For the price of a wheelchair, he’d bought the dream that was dipping in the ocean.
In a very similar way, he had bought my presence at his side.
There was nothing wrong about it.
If he hadn’t offered me any money, if he had simply told me, “I love you. I want you to stay with me until I die” back then, I wouldn’t have agreed to it. He bought our relationship.
He was so practical that it wasn’t even funny.
He always chose the best path and bought what he wanted. And he was correct. In reality, he had succeeded in keeping me by his side. He’d paid good money to make his dreams come true.
“I know it wasn’t right. And I was okay with that if it meant having you by my side, Sacchan.”
He had told me as much.
“You did nothing wrong,” I said.
His face snapped to me instantly, but I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eye.
“Sacchan.” His voice sounded choked up. “You really are kind, Sacchan.”
According to the form we’d filled out for a trip out of the hospital, we were supposed to return by dinnertime, which started at 6:30 p.m., which meant we had to depart by 5 p.m. But even with that at the forefront of my mind, I couldn’t leave the seaside park. He didn’t say anything about the time either.
The temperature dropped in sync with the setting sun. Nishikawa was still barefoot, so I covered him with the two blankets that I had brought, and I also piled my down jacket and cardigan on him.
“Aren’t you cold?” he asked.
“No,” I replied. He must have known I was lying, because he laughed out loud. I was exposed to the ocean breeze on a November night while wearing only one layer—obviously I was cold.
The first call came at 7 p.m. I knew who it was from even without checking my screen.
“Aren’t you gonna pick up?” he asked.
Sitting right beside his wheelchair, I didn’t respond. My ringtone eventually fell silent, and his phone rang next.
“Aren’t you gonna pick up?”
He didn’t reply either. Once the sound stopped, we both pulled out our phones and held the volume button until the devices were on mute. They went back into our pockets so as not to light up and grab our attention.
“It feels like I’m in a movie. Like running away from home.” He chuckled.
“I wouldn’t exactly say that...”
I wished it were a movie. He could play dead, and once we wrapped, he would receive a bouquet with a smile. Then we’d see each other again at some other shoot.
But this wasn’t a movie, and it wasn’t any sort of escape. No matter where we went, we wouldn’t be able to outrun reality. He would die, and I would never see him again.
If only we could run away. But that was nothing more than a fantasy. And yet we wanted to cling to it anyway.
We wanted to hold on to the time we had left.
“And speaking of movies, can I tell you something?” he asked.
“Yeah?”
I could just about guess where this was going. Unable to look at him, I turned my gaze toward the sea. The winter waves at night were pitch-black and much wilder than during the day.
“Sacchan, I want you to be happy,” he began. “I want you to love people, no matter what shape that takes. I want you to always be surrounded by happiness.”
“Don’t be stupid...”
“I’ll give you everything. I don’t have much, but you can have all of it.”
His voice was clear above the roar of the waves. I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t heard him.
“I can be yours forever, Sacchan.”
“My eternal love?”
“Yes.”
“Come on, man, I’m not into that... I don’t dig the idea of eternal love.”
“Once you die, you’re dead forever. I can stay with you in spirit for the rest of your life.”
That was a cruel way to put it. His life should have been meant for greater things.
But even as I thought that, my heart didn’t reject the idea.
Nothing is forever. Love isn’t real.
If I had found myself in this situation in the past, that’s what I would have said. I wouldn’t have gotten anything from him. But things were different now. Even if I couldn’t fully believe it, I could receive it.
He had warmed me up to the point where I was willing to believe that love could be real.
He told me to flip the final page of his story.
And his actions had led me here all along.
“That way, do you think you’ll be able to keep living even after I’m gone?”
Those keen eyes of his—it was as if he were looking down on me from heaven already. He must have known for a long time now that even though I’d made it past my mother’s funeral, I would inevitably give up on life if there was no one to turn to. And of course, he was right. I really had nothing.
I lacked his positive outlook on life.
Nor did I have something to protect, as Toyota did.
I only had myself, but I still struggled to think I was worth anything at all.
This was a tragic conclusion to the glimpse of love I’d received.
When I’d grown weary, when I was ready to let go of everything, his cold hand had grabbed mine.
“All this time, I really wanted you to be happy. Even if these feelings were only ever one-sided, I didn’t need you to reciprocate them. I just wanted you to stay happy. And if I could be part of that for you, that’s all I could possibly ask for.” He sighed. “I really am selfish.”
“If you’re selfish, then so am I.”
I took out my phone from my pocket. I’d missed several calls. I ignored all the notifications and turned on the camera instead. My phone made a sound as I pressed record, and as he appeared on the screen, he turned to me.
He didn’t seem to mind. And free from worry, he grinned.
I couldn’t smile the way he did.